I am not concerned with fashion, heads turn.

Yes we did!

2009-01-20T12:25:00.000-05:00

So happy :)

Kicking the winter blahs

2009-01-14T09:51:00.008-05:00

I usually hibernate in the winter. Leaving the house ONLY when it is absolutely necessary. This results in low energy and motivation, but I have maintained this strategy because....well, the bottom line is I spend less time out in the cold. This year I have employed a new strategy. One that will help me keep the high energy I have the rest of the year. That's right, I've decided that 2009 is the year I kick the winter blahs.

Strategy #1: Start a running program - outside in the cold. Ah!!! I have to give myself a pep talk every time it is time to go running. Part of my brain screams, "Do you realize how cold it is out there? Can you stop and think about how crazy this is?" while the other half is speaking logically, "It's less than an hour and you'll be right back inside. Plus you'll feel great after it is all over!" My guess is this battle will continue until I am no longer allergic to the cold of winter. But I tell you, it is a great exercise in determination. After I get started, the one part of my brain stops screaming and it is logic that gets me through the workout. Over the weeks I have paid less attention to the negative thoughts and the running program is working well. My program is interval training that increases intensity over the course of 8 weeks. Running outside really isn't that bad and I think it is helping desensitize me to the cold. I've wanted for 2 years now, to train for a half marathon. I just haven't been disciplined enough to stick to a rigorous training program. I think this winter program, while training my body, is helping me develop the mental toughness I'll need to train for a half marathon this spring. Yay!

Strategy #2: Yoga Class and Kung Fu. While yoga is a class I take year-round, Kung Fu is something new for me. I'll admit I have only been to one class. First it was the craziness of the holidays and now it has been a couple social engagements. The one class was challenging and fun so I can see myself getting into it, I just need to hit a rhythm and start going consistently. Effectiveness TBD....

Strategy #3: African drum and dance classes. A little online search yielded a studio right by my job. I'm not good at choreographed dancing, but hey I'm having fun and who knows I may look like I have a left and right foot by spring!

Strategy #4: Find a new job. I have been at my job for 3 years now. I'm bored. I have gotten all the promotions I wanted and know the company inside out. It is time to move on to something challenging and stimulating. I have been on a couple of interviews and landed a part-time gig. Now I am just applying to full-time places that look like I'd be challenged. I know if I stay diligent, I will find something amazing.

So there we have it. I am intentionally trying new things to keep myself out of winter hibernation. I feel much better than usual this time of year. So I think it is working!

Streeeeeeeeeeeeetch!!!

2009-01-05T23:14:00.002-05:00

My, my, my! It has be a loooong time since I have blogged. Today I felt like writing, so here I am. I'm so happy to welcome in a new year. I don't waste time making resolutions for they are usually broken before spring gets here. I instead make commitments. Commitments to myself. What can I do this year to lead a happier, healthier life? This year I have made four commitments to myself. The first days of the new year are always exciting as I plan out exactly the steps I need to take to keep my commitments.

My life looks much different than it did the last time I wrote a blog entry. I'm not going to take the time now to describe that transformation. Today was a GREAT day and for some reason blogging came to mind. Perhaps I'm back for 2009?

Birthdays & Packing

2007-05-16T12:16:00.000-04:00

It is amazing how fast a month can go by when you need to move in a hurry and continue to live your life. 2 weeks down and 2 to go. I freaked out at first but I'm fine now that my cognition has taken over my emotions. I have a new living situation worked out for the end of June. It will be in the same area of the city with a good friend of mine and her current roommate (a girl she's lived with for 5 years). This is all a blessing in disguise. I've had major problems with one of my current roommates. Without divulging details, let's just say she has been completely inconsiderate and even disrespectful at times. The last few months have been like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It was getting to a point where I was considering moving and the situation worked itself out. I am so blessed! So basically I just need a place to live for one month before moving in with the new roomies. I have plenty of offers. I'm leaning towards moving my things home. I have 2 major trips planned for June so I'm only going to be around 2 weeks or so. It doesn't make much sense for me to pay for a room I won't be using much. We'll see, I haven't made up my mind yet. Thanks for all the comments and e-mails of concern.

Well May is a busy birthday celebration month. Every time I turn around there is another invite. . .

There were a couple more I didn't have my camera for and another this weekend. There must have been a storm a few years ago nine months prior! Whew!

I'll share with you pics from this year's Kinetic Sculpture Race in Baltimore. As soon as I get them uploaded that is... All in all, I'm fine and life is still very good!!! :)

I'm homeless

2007-05-01T12:32:00.000-04:00

So, our landlord has decided to sell our house. We have to be out by the end of May. All I can say is a four letter word beginning with F.

Life is Good!

2007-04-25T00:43:00.000-04:00

I should be in bed right now because I need to be at work super early tomorrow. However, I am so excited about life right now that I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. So why try?

Why am I so excited? Let me count the ways....

My brother is dating a girl I love. He's happy which makes me even happier.

I have awesome friends.

Spring is here!

The last couple of weeks have brought with them fun trips. Like the National Aquarium in Baltimore
and the National Zoo in Washington, D.C.

I have a new job! Great money and I can ride my bike there!! I'm finally leaving the corporate world - hopefully for good.

I'm driving across country with one of my best friends as she relocates to the west coast. We get to go camping together across the U.S. and get a very personal extended good-bye.

Simon continues to fill the four-legged companion void in my life.

My Mom has come out of winter hibernation and we have started weekly dates.

I spoiled myself today with a mini shopping spree.

I'm getting my first tattoo.

I'm living in a city that isn't perfect but that I have carved a life out in and I love. I can take a two minute walk to the water and see amazing sights like this.

I'm attending an outdoor leadership course with Outward Bound in the fall where I will be certified to start trip leading. It is a huge step towards reaching my goal of entering a new career as an outdoor educator. Yay!

After visiting Washington, D.C. and seeing the flags at half-mass firsthand, I helped my company raise thousands of dollars for the VT tragedy memorial fund last week. It left me with the feeling that I had made a contribution to the healing of the students, faculty and families involved.

I'm sure there is so much more if I sat and gave it more thought. But I do need to get to bed. It is just so awesome how so many things are coming together! Yay!!

What is something great going on in your life?

Body Modification

2007-04-10T11:08:00.000-04:00

Orginially posted on 100 Things, Friday, December 02, 2005:

If you think about it, nearly everyone has modified their body in some way. Perhaps it is something permanent like a tattoo or something temporary like makeup or hair color. It can be something simple like an ear piercing or something major requiring surgery. I believe each modification, whether major or subtle, says something about the person.

For me it is piercing. I have three piercings in each ear, with an additional cartilage piercing in one. I also have my belly button pierced. To the relief of my family, I have no plans to get anything else pierced. I am content expressing myself through the piercings I have.

In what ways have you modified your body? Does it serve as a form of expression? What does it say about you? If you haven't made any body modifications, are you considering any? What does it say about you?

New Addition: Ink

I never thought I'd get a tattoo. I have nothing against them, don't think they look trashy, don't find them a violation of "God's temple", and don't find the fact that a tattoo is relatively permanent intimidating. Afterall, life is short and having something permanently on my skin is not on my list of things to be preoccupied with. Besides, tattoos are no longer permanent with modern laser treatments. I just never thought of anything I'd want inked on my skin. That is until I was watching an episode of Miami Ink with my roommate one evening. (This is why I don't watch TV, I don't need anymore great ideas...) Watching the show made me see how tattoos can be an incredibly powerful form of self expression. It can go far beyond the pretty butterfly so many people have tattooed without giving it much thought. Tattoos can honor a loved one, symbolize a turning point in one's life, have religious or cultural significance - the list goes on.... Watching Miami Ink showed me that a well thought out and executed tattoo is in fact, a work of art. At the very instant I came to this realization, this image popped into my mind:

I'm getting my first tattoo. I want a single zebra running with the woman in the zebra suit riding it.

I am going to see a well-known tattoo artist in the area for a consultation in the upcoming week.

Any guesses as to the meaning of the tattoo I want???

Ever have one of those days?

2007-03-28T11:56:00.000-04:00

First your alarm didn't go off and the day just progresses from there. We've all had one of those days.

Well, I didn't awake yesterday to my alarm. It wasn't because it didn't go off - it was because I didn't set it. It was my day off and I awoke completely rested to a sun filled room. It was 9:30am and for once, the weatherman was right. In Baltimore, temperatures reached 85 degrees. The day was filled with sun complimented by a light breeze. Perfect.

On a day like yesterday, Trek and I would spend the day hiking, swimming, or playing at the park. I'll never be able to share a day like that with Trek ever again. I don't say that because I feel sorry for myself, it is what it is - a dull sadness and a sharp dose of reality. But God sent someone that has helped me get over hurt and void in my life before. One evening while spending time with this friend, I was talking about Trek and how much I missed him. He said I could take Simon (his dog) to my house whenever I wanted. I paused for a moment. Many thoughts ran through my head: Sure Simon is a dog, but he isn't MY dog. Does he really think borrowing his for a day is going to help a void left by a four year companion? What if I do borrow his dog, will it bring back old hurt? On the other hand, perhaps I could benefit from spending time with another dog.... I thanked him for the offer and told him I'd think about it. Well, weeks later, I took him up on it. Yesterday was that day. I picked up Simon late morning, put together a day pack, and we were on our way. I decided to forgo a serious hike on our first day together and went with an all-day city excursion instead. We walked about two miles to a park near my house. After walking the perimeter, we cut through to sit by the pond and soak up the sun.

After getting our fill of the park, we headed back home for lunch. I made a few phone calls while Simon rested. After about an hour, we headed back out, this time to a park right across the street from my house. I played frisbee with my roommates while Simon played with the fifteen other dogs at the park. On our walk home, I called my friend and left a message that I could bring Simon back whenever he'd be home. A few minutes later, my friend called to say in addition to Simon, bring a six pack of beer for he was making dinner for two. Now, that's a great day!

It seems to nearly everyone else in my life, getting a new dog was the solution to getting over Trek. Fact is, I needed to grieve like any other loss. I did that. Unfortunately, my current lifestyle isn't conducive to raising a puppy or adopting a new rescue. But my lifestyle is perfect for borrowing a friend's dog on my days off to do all the things I used to do when I had a dog of my own. I thought of Trek fondly all day yesterday. I thought of how he would have reacted in certain situations and it made me happy. I thanked my friend for coming up with the idea and trusting me enough to take his dog all day. Even so, I don't think my friend will ever realize how much having Simon around meant to me.

It meant the world.

2006 Reflection

2007-03-13T14:15:00.000-04:00

In my last post I asked the question: What does the start of a new year mean to you?

The answers I received were as diverse as the individuals who read this blog. Thank you for your responses. I've also asked myself the same question. To me, the start of the new year is a time for reflection and . . . Well, I have yet to figure out the next part if indeed there is one. I can tell you with certainty that the start of the new year is a time for reflection, that I am sure of. How often are we too busy to reflect on our own lives: our motives, actions, feelings, joys, and pains? Too often. I've been silent the last few months reflecting. Just reading over my New Years post from last year is evidence of how much I have grown in the last year. 2006 was an amazing year. Here are the highlights:

January was spent recovering from the holiday madness. By February, I was ready to get out and meet new people. I took my first (and only) stab at internet dating. Although it wasn't a match made in heaven, I ended up making a really good friend. He introduced me to Rainbow and as a result, I drove across the U.S. in June to attend my first Rainbow Gathering. It is a week I will spend among "family" for the rest of my life. A week that reminds me of the things that I sometimes forget in my day to day: the awesome beauty of nature, the importance of community, and the strength of the human spirit.

March was spent searching for a creative community. Unfortunately, I never found the group I was searching for. I did, however, explore parts of this city I hadn't before and in the process rediscovered my love for live music. I spent the remainder of the year attending as many live music events that time and money would allow.

In April, I reconnected with an old high school friend. We have since had a great time getting to know each other all over again. Good, lifelong friends are hard to find. I can say with certainty this is one I won't lose touch with again.

May began a great outdoor recreation season. I went kayaking and backpacking several times.

I finally completed my gear collection with a Mountain Hardwear tent. Being the huge gear nerd that I am, this was a very exciting moment.

June brought along Special Olympics Maryland Summer Games. I ran the track staging for the 8th consecutive year. I was once again fortunate enough to spend a weekend with the athletes, families, and coaches who inspire me every year.

Also in June, I cut my hair. I’ve wanted to try a short hair cut for years. My ex-boyfriend hated the idea. Not wanting to hear his mouth, I never cut it. Then, one day this summer, I decided to forgo the normal trim and cut my hair. It was liberating and I absolutely love it! What do you think?

When I got home and looked in the mirror at my new hair cut for the first time, I knew I had finally let go. Let go of a broken heart, hurt feelings, and a plaguing emptiness. I knew at that moment, I had completely healed from the relationship with my ex-boyfriend. Although I did some dating, I still had an emotional tie with my ex that wasn't allowing me to move on. It took much of the year to finally let go. But I finally did it!! In fact, new year's eve was spent throwing away old letters and gifts. I kept only the pictures. He played a significant and important role in my past. Now I can say with absolute certainty that he has no place in my future. It feels amazing to have that heaviness lifted from my head and heart. In fact, so much so, I let someone get close without reservation. For the first time, I let someone else into my life and home. It was scary, but I did it! And I'm not looking back.

I was able to spend a lot of quality time with my family this year.

Speaking of family, let's not forget that
I caught this biggest fish on this years' fishing trip!

Pop Quiz: Where has this suburb dwelling, outdoor loving girl always wanted to live? Any guesses on what great news is next? I moved downtown!!!! Yay! Everything finally fell into place at the end of the summer. My rent is super cheap, my house super cute and the location is super ideal. All together super. We live in an area of Baltimore City called Canton.

I absolutely love it. It is one block to the water, two blocks to a park or fitness trail, walking distance to shopping and nightlife, and only steps away to the dog park . . . .
. . . . Which brings me to one of the hardest decisions of my life: I surrendered Trek. Underlying health issues caused severe aggression and dramatic behavior changes - it was scary and unpredictable. He never showed any aggression toward me or my family, but my friends and strangers became a threat to him. We had several close calls and at 90+ lbs, I was afraid that he would harm someone. I did all I could do to try to resolve his behavior issues; I consulted vets and two animal behaviorists. At his final evaluation, the behaviorist said it was only a matter of time before he bit someone and if it were her dog, she would have him put down. It was a devastating blow and a dose of reality that took me weeks to swallow. The last straw was when he tried to attack a friend he had previously met and loved only weeks before. I could no longer keep him in good conscience. After taking him to the ASPCA, I cried for days. Often, I still tear up when I talk about him. Anyone who knows me knows how much I loved Trek and what a difficult decision it was. But I had to do the right thing. The rescue director said to me, "sometimes the wiring is wrong and there is nothing you did or could have done". She’s right, but the loss of Trek is still very painful. The first few days I came home looking for a dog that would never be there to greet me ever again. My daily routine changed drastically as I no longer had the responsibility of pet ownership. A responsibility I would give anything to have once again for a happy healthy Trek. He was my welcome home committee, my moving breathing dress up doll,

my hiking partner,

my four-legged wrecking crew,

my Olympic swimmer,

my comic relief,

my running and walking partner,

my heart,

but most of all . . . . my friend.

I miss you...

I hate to conclude on such a sad note..... So on a brighter note, although not without challenges, this year was full of joy and new discoveries:

I moved to a large city and discovered little things I never would have had I not made the move. Like the downtown farmers market,

where I discovered there are many different types of honey - not just the one that comes in a little bear at the grocery store.

I've also discovered that the Canton waterside park has a beautiful view at night.

And, that Patterson Park has a pagoda with an awesome spiral staircase

and an awesome view of the city.

I competed in my first mud wrestling tournament,

where my roommate and I kicked ass!

I threw one of my best friends an awesome bachelorette party and participated in her wedding.

I created a tradition of "Monday Night Dinner" with two of my best friends - a time of yummy food and girl talk before tackling the week ahead.

I trained for and raced in my first 5K in years and placed in the top 19%. It motivated me to begin training for longer distances with the goal of completing a half marathon this year.

I had an amazing theme party for my birthday. It was a true "fiesta" all the way down to the piñata attended by my closest friends.

I spent Christmas on the first family vacation in years in beautiful West Palm Beach Florida.

I have come so far, but there is so much further to go. Like I always say, life is about learning. Life is just one lesson after another. Sometimes you have to retake the same lesson over and over again. Then it happens. One day, your perspective and life experience comes together to teach you the lesson you have failed to understand so many times before. 2006 was full of lessons learned through many tears and much laughter. I am learning the power of silence and reflection. I am so thankful for the experiences and relationships that taught me so much this year. Here's to 2007!

Time to answer my own question:

2007-02-05T11:21:00.000-05:00

Blogging is on the agenda. Stay tuned . . .

Happy New Year!!!!

2007-01-02T23:23:00.000-05:00

What does the start of a new year mean to you?

Help?

2006-12-20T12:37:00.000-05:00

I have a dating question for the blog world.....

This has been the topic of debate between my friends and I.....

Do people date anymore?

Is it necessary to ask someone explicitly to be exclusive (to be a bf/gf)?

Is there an understanding that comes from spending a certain amount of time and energy on another person?

What if sex is thrown into the equation? Does sex in of itself mean anything? What if it is coupled with quality time, phone calls, thoughtful gestures, ect.? Is it understood this is a relationship? What is the understanding? Is there one at all?

What is your opinion on dating and relationships? How does it work in this day and age?

Where have I been?! Part One.

2006-11-29T14:42:00.000-05:00

Right now, I am sitting in one of Baltimore’s most well known coffee houses: The Daily Grind. I came here because I needed to write. It has been far too long. My inner voice has been telling me to sit down and write for some time now. Life kept getting in the way. Where have I been? Some would say finding myself. Others, redefining myself. A few may even say I’ve lost my mind. I say I’ve been busy - learning, exploring, and discovering. Learning what really matters. Exploring the world around me. Discovering myself.

It feels good to find myself blogging again. I know so many of my readers have missed my presence in the blog world. Even to this day, I receive e-mails and comments inquiring about me. That amazes me. Out of all the bloggers one can discover, I have somehow touched so many people by sharing myself openly and honestly. People who don’t blog can never understand the connection you can make with others through a computer screen. My regular readers have been an important source of encouragement and support. That is real. Thank you.

So, inquiring minds want to know: What has Brea been up to? Wow. You know me, a lot can happen in just a week. But it has been months since I’ve blogged. I’ll give you the abridged version, but get comfortable, there is a lot to tell....

Last time I blogged, I had just returned from the National Rainbow Gathering in Colorado - without my camera. I worked my little butt off and bought a new one a week later. Still, the photos from my first cross country road trip were gone. Such is life. My trip was amazing. I went with two friends: Randy and Nick. We left Maryland in the middle of the night and drove to Steamboat Springs, Colorado. We took our time, rotated four hour driving shifts, and stopped when we felt like it. It took us 34 hours to get there. It was my first time in Colorado and it was absolutely breathtaking. Picture montains, trees, streams and lakes bathed in sunshine and surrounded by crisp air. We camped for a week at the Rainbow Gathering where we met really cool people from all over the country. Imagine a tent community full of hippies and hipsters. That is how I spent my week. We were completely isolated from what is normal society and surrounded by nature. The whole trip gave me time to reflect on many things. I spent a week away from the stress and pressure of everyday life. I didn't have a cell phone or even a watch. The sun rose and the sun set. Amazing. I felt completely free and totally safe. I experienced the strongest sense of community I have ever felt. I became as close to nature and myself as I have ever been. It was amazing. It was the catalyst to a lot of change in my life. More on that later . . . .

I'm in the middle of tranferring data (most importantly, my pictures) to a new laptop. I figure my narrative is always more interesting with pics. I'll have the transfer complete by Sunday and I'll be back to share what Brea has been up to these many months. Stay tuned. I'm looking forward to getting caught up with all the blogs I used to frequent. It feels good to be back! :)

If it wasn't for bad luck...

2006-07-10T12:40:00.000-04:00

I lost my camera ;( I'll return when I start breathing again. **sigh**

Road Trip!!!

2006-06-29T16:02:00.000-04:00

Taking a road trip with friends from Maryland to the National Rainbow Gathering in Colorado. I'll be back next weekend with lots of pics. Don't miss me too much ;)

Family Fishing Trip

2006-06-22T09:27:00.000-04:00

Guess who caught the biggest fish on our annual family fishing trip?

Reeling in that 24.5 inch fish was pretty impressive. But not as impressive as this:

I love my new camera :) (full size photos available on my flickr account)

Taken by: MY NEW CAMERA!!!

2006-06-19T13:29:00.000-04:00

"Why are you taking another picture of me?"

"I will not smile for the camera, I am a princess, you cannot tell me what to do!"

No caption necessary

Why do I even bother with plans?

2006-06-13T10:11:00.000-04:00

Seriously, nothing ever works out as planned. EVER. Yesterday I had planned to blog in the evening after spending the day with a friend. My body had other ideas and I ended up crawling in bed after a hefty dose of Advil. Ah well...

So much has been happening in the life of me. Let's see...

First things first. I got a new camera!!!! My regular readers know how badly I've wanted a new camera. With all the fun trips I have planned for the summer, I decided I could no longer wait. I picked up a few extra shifts at work and headed to the store with a pocket full of cash. I ended up getting a more advanced model of the camera I wanted for the same price! Can you imagine how happy I was?! I imagine it is like taking a newborn home for the first time. Okay, maybe not that exciting but damn close. 8.1 megapixels and tiny enough to take everywhere!

Isn't she cute?!

Well, everything else pretty much pales in comparison. It doesn't get much better than a new camera. Graduation party, crab feast, birthday bash,work drama, new clothes & sandals, Trek swimming, my first pedicure, Trek & Princess Lulu's first sleepover.... See, it all just pales in comparison. Only two events come close to a newborn baby or a new camera: backpacking and Special Olympics.

My most recent backpacking trip was in the Dolly Sods Wilderness in West Virginia. It was the trip that almost wasn't, as people confirmed and cancelled one after the other. It ended up being a small all female group - very cool. Meet Team 219:

comprised of Heather, Meighan, and myself.

Our team was named after one of the most confusing roads in America. While traveling down 219, you will turn right then left then right then left then right and then left again. Hopefully you get the point - absolutely ridiculous. It got to a point where we thought we'd never get there. Then while traveling behind one of the many trucks during the trip, we saw it:

The sign for Monongahela National Forest!

After entering the forest, we quickly made our way to the trail head. We had very little daylight in which to hike in and set up camp. After only a 20 minute hike, we found a great campsite.

First, we set up the tent. Well, Heather did anyway. Meighan and I just followed directions. It was a confusing ass rental tent. After spending WAY too much money renting it and WAY too much time setting it up, I bought a tent as soon as we got back. This trip helped me rationalize spending another $200 on camping gear. (I needed to buy a tent. Now I have everything. Insert evil laugh here.) Ahem. Moving on...

Next we hung the bear rope, with Meighan nearly knocking herself out in the process. The next task was to collect firewood. We gathered what little dry firewood there was. Despite our best efforts, a camp fire was not happening that night. I started preparing dinner: pizza bagels! After the first bagel was finished it began to rain. By the time dinner was comple, it was pouring. We were hungry and sat cooking and eating in the pouring rain. Classic case of our good luck. It was worth it though; those bagels were damn good. We secured our food for the night and changed out of our now soaked clothes. After crawling into the tent, we realized our "3-man" tent had us in for a very cozy night.

The thunder was rolling over a relentless rain. Fortunately, Meighan and I make quite the dynamic. Our antics had us laughing all night. It was that night we came up with our team motto: "All holes, no poles!" It was my first backpacking trip without any males. It was nice. We were all really proud of what we had accomplished as a team of women. And just as important, we were having fun despite the weather.

We woke up quite early to a chilly overcast sky. Bummer. It looked like the overpaid weather man was wrong again. We decided to stick around camp to see if the weather would improve. After putting on a couple extra layers of clothes, we made blueberry pancakes and a community bottle of super hot, extra chocolatety, hot cocoa. After breakfast, we decided not to move camp and to just do some day hiking. We followed a trail along the water. It was beautiful.

As we hiked, blue skies alternated with dark storm clouds.

It came to a point where there were no more blue skies and the temperature was dropping. We decided a cold night with no way to make a campfire wasn't our idea of fun. We ate lunch hoping the weather would improve. It didn't. It was time to stop pushing our luck, so we packed up camp and headed to the car. Thank goodness we did because it stormed just minutes into our drive.

Although we were bummed our trip was cut short, we had an awesome time.

Our next trip is set for July.

Go team 219!

I don't have much to say about Special Olympics other than it is my most rewarding experience of the year. I help plan the summer games all winter then head track staging for the Summer Games. Unfortunately, my committee position doesn't allow me to see much of the competition. I did manage to get away for a few minutes here and there. It is hard to articulate the experience. So, I'll finish with these images:

Everyone has a chance to make a difference in the life of someone else. Every year, Special Olympics gives me that chance.

Thank you to all the athletes, parents, and coaches who have made such an impact on my life. Eight years and counting!

Coming soon...

2006-06-12T01:06:00.000-04:00

Blogging is on the agenda for today. Lots has happened the last few weeks. Stay tuned...

Answers

2006-06-01T09:56:00.000-04:00

I know I said Monday. Sorry. Do I ever do anything on time? Anyway, here are the answers originally posted November 17, 2005:

1. Necessary. Wearing a tube top without support carries the risk of looking droopy in all the wrong places. Hold on, is there a good place to look droopy? Scratch that. Droopy - period.

2. Unnecessary. Dresses/skirts make me feel feminine and free. Why mess it up with underwear? Length is the key here.

3. Unnecessary. Although I'm not a big fan of sleeping naked, do you really need underwear?

4. Unnecessary. If I'm out having fun and getting dirty with the boys, I want to go bare chested too - it is only fair.

5. Necessary. Again, drooping risk.

6. Necessary. Going without underwear in jeans is just plain uncomfortable. Yes, I've tried it.

7. Unnecessary. In my opinion, layers negate any need to wear a bra. Why? Because I don't have much going on in that department. I wear a sweater or jacket, there isn't anything going on in that department. So why wear a bra?

8. Necessary. The thought of engaging in any strenuous activity without underwear has never crossed my mind. I do, however, have a lot of athletic wear with built-in sports bras or undies. In that case, there is no need to overdo it.

9. Necessary. Casual shorts have too much . . . space. If you sit the wrong way, you risk showing the world your, ummmm.... goodies.

10. I'll give credit for either answer. If I was actually doing the town run, then yes, support is necessary. In this picture, however, I am just hanging out on the beach. I'm wearing layers so this pic is actually an example of unnecessary.

11. Necessary. Short skirts require underwear for the same reason as casual shorts. I have been to too many bars where women did not follow this rule. But from the looks of them, I'm sure the whole world has already seen those goodies anyway. Did I just say that?

12. Unnecessary. Halters are designed to provide their own support system. Besides, with the low cut backs, where are you supposed to hide a bra?

Brea's Underwear Rules:

Necessary:

Jeans

Tight fitting pants

All casual shorts

Mini skirts

Athletic shorts

Any shirt that may reveal "nippleage"

Tube tops

Unnecessary:

Loose fitting pants

Workout clothes with built-in support

Sleepwear

Layered tops

Halters

Flowing dresses or skirts

How is that for TMI? ;)

And the winner is........Marz who has tied with Miz JJ & Anonymous (who is really one of my best friends, I was curious to see how she would do compared to people who have never met me) from the original post. Congratulations!!!

How did you do? Any disagreements with and/or additions to my underwear rules?

Still moving...

2006-05-25T12:32:00.000-04:00

Unnecessary Objects

NO CHEATING - IF YOU PARTICIPATED IN THE ORIGINAL POST! Answers will be posted on Monday

Originally posted November 16 2005 @ 1:05 am

If you have ever had the misfortune to read one of my TMI posts, you already know my opinion on underwear - wear when necessary. Before I give you my rules, let's see how well you do with these snapshots. Post your answers in the comments section. Deem each photo either necessary (N) or unnecessary (U).

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

Moving...

2006-05-24T12:15:00.000-04:00

Now that school is out and my summer trips are about to begin, I am taking this time to start moving my posts from 100 Things to here. Enjoy for the first or second time...

Originally posted November 15 2005 @ 1:31 am

Addiction

Hi, my name is Brea and I am a chocoholic. No, seriously, I am. A lot of women will speak of their love of chocolate, but I think I have gone above and beyond that. I have left my house (on more than one occasion) at 3am in search of chocolate. There has not been a day in recent memory where I haven't had at least a Hershey's kiss. Even as I type this, I am chowing down on a bowl of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Therapy. Sad. I often wonder how many dress sizes I could go down if I could stay away from chocolate. I've thought about trying to see how long I could go without it, but I don't think I could handle the shakes. **sigh**

What is your addiction?

The 21 Original Comments:

Lorna said...
chocolate and crisps (chips)at the moment the latter especially. (they seem to alternate)I've now not eaten any for 2 days, and trying to keep it up. I too would like to fit into some other clothes :)be blessed
Goddess said...
I don't have a food addiction but I have a person addiction. More specifically, a Keanu addiction. I need a little everyday. :)
Storm said...
I am highly addicted to caramel. I try to stay away from the stuff because I can literally eat an entire bowl of it in one sitting.
VerseONe said...
Black women. I don't even try to stay away... Peace.
DCS said...
I wouldn't say I have an addiction to chocolate, but perhaps it comes close. I only eat dark chocolate ice cream and cake when I need to lift my spirits. No candy, and I hate milk chocolate. Call me picky.Goddess is killing me with "all Keanu, all the time." LOLBrea, I'm proud of you, girl! This is great. I can't wait to see what's in store for us, your readers. I love adventure!
Brotha Buck said...
A few weeks ago, I had some Ben and Jerry's vanilla carmel ice cream with chocolate rolos in it. Mmmmmm.
Edz said...
Ice cream, preferably Hagen Dasz Rhum Raisin... My happiness, my heaven... Mmmm, give me ice cream when it's cold, when it's hot and I'll smile.
Miz JJ said...
I have never had a thing for chocolate. Candy yes, but chocolate not so much. My addiction is probably red wine. No, I am not an alcholic, but I like a glass with dinner. Very tasty.
Don Juan de Bubba said...
Food: Slurpees, though I have cut back.Blogging
Michelle said...
The space you've carved out for yourself in blogworld is fun. Good luck on those 43 things.In the words of Arnold, "I'll be back." Til then, keep smiling and enjoying life.
AsianSmiles said...
hey! congrats on the new site! nice job!chocolates? hmmm...... i'm not addicted to food or munchies.. but i'm addicted to cooking and chatting! LOL.WTG girl!
envizable said...
I like this spot... nice job and it looks good. My only addiction is a coke with a smile.
Dee-Dee said...
Hi my name is Dee~Dee and I am a Shoeaholic. Whew, man that felt good to get that off my chest...:)I love to buy shoes for no apparent reason:)Nice over here ma!:)
Jeni Angel said...
Totally addicted to blogging. LOVE IT! I currently have 4 blogs, 2 blogs that once were and are now no more. . .I just love it.
kathi said...
diet pepsi...rather boring huh?
Adorable Girlfriend said...
Starbucks, in a bad way!Good luck with your blog.
josie said...
i am addicted to ice cream. the weight i gain from that lovely tasting sin. but oodly enough, i am being strong and not eating any.
Nipper said...
e-mail. simple as that. or horrific as that.
princessdominique said...
Shoes. Simply shoes, sweetie!
Kaz said...
I think my addiction is candy. I can't go on without it. I would have said sex but it's been so long since I got any that I can't vouch for that anymore.
Rose said...
Shoes and sexy sweaters

It's been a while

2006-05-18T12:10:00.000-04:00

Yeah so, I've been slacking on this Thursday Thirteen thing as well. Life happens.

Thirteen Things that indicate Brea has been working too much:

1. What I thought was allergies, actually turned out to be a minor cold. I used to never get sick, but it now seems to be a regular occurrence.

2. Arrived late for Mother's Day dinner after working 6 days straight and 6 hours that very day. It took me 10 minutes to gather my brain enough to even order a drink. I ordered water.

3. My friend had to come to my job to show me her engagement ring and invite me to be a bridesmaid.

4. My room is a total disaster. I just don't have the energy to tackle it when I get home. While I've never been a neat freak - I'm very anal about my clothes. I always hang and fold them after finishing laundry. In fact, my closet is organized by color and season. Now, last week's laundry is still a pile on my desk.

5. Myspace comments from friends confirm the fact I am always working.

6. When asked what days I work, I respond the days I DON'T work is the shorter list.

7. Trek won't let me out of his sight when I'm home. You try having a 93 lb. lap dog, it's fun.

8. I've worn my work clothes more than any other clothes.

9. When I go out, 90% of the time it is with people from work. I've lost all meaningful contact with non-work friends.

10. I miss blogging and reading blogs. Again, just don't have the time/energy.

11. I spent my one day off this week shopping and cooking. I have a million small projects I need to complete. I just couldn't bring myself to spend my one day off "taking care of business".

12. Yesterday, I looked up the word relax. Does that really happen?

13. I just orchestrated three weekends in a row off for fun, leisure, and tradition: a graduation party, backpacking, and special olympics. Just a week and half more on the hamster wheel.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It's easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things.

Well, time to walk the dog and get ready for work. **sigh**

I can't wait!

2006-05-16T15:00:00.000-04:00

It's official, I'm going backpacking the first weekend in June! Yea!!!

I'm back!

2006-05-09T12:24:00.000-04:00

Last week was totally chill. What does such a week look like? Well, I'm glad you asked...

The weather here was gorgeous, so outside I went. While heading into downtown with a friend, we stumbled across what seemed to be a fair of some sort. Naturally, we parked the car and wandered in. It turned out to be a rally for immigrant rights. We stayed for the musical performances, but left during the speeches.

After four different speakers spoke entirely in Spanish, that was about all we could take. Apparently, rallies were occurring all across the country and there were even boycotts. I know immigration in the U.S. is a hot topic. There is no doubt there needs to be sweeping reforms. However, if the point of last weeks' rallies was to send a message to policy makers and the American people, it seems to me that message should be in a language Americans can understand. I kept waiting for someone to speak a word of English and it never happened. I'm just saying....

After the rally, we continued our drive into downtown. We found a bench right on the water and watched the boats. My favorite was the tug boat:

It reminded me of one of my favorite books as a child: Scuffy the Tugboat. After the sun went down, we joined two more of my friends for dinner. We then saw the tailend of an open mic night and finished the night at the Thirsty Dog Pub.

Trek and LuLu were not happy when they found out we went to the Thirsty Dog Pub without them. To make it up to them, we took them for a hike at Fallen Branch. Introducing Brad and LuLu (whom I've nicknamed Princess LuLu):

There were watering holes for Trek to enjoy (Princess LuLu was not interested in getting her paws wet):

A waterfall:

And Trek even got to sport his pack for the first time this season (the princess would not be caught performing such undignified tasks):

Last week there was also a lot of drinking/partying. I guess we all needed to relieve some stress after the events of recent weeks and with finals coming up. Here's a pic from Cinco de Mayo:

Can we say $1 Coronas and $1 Margaritas? I think we can.

Finally, I have continued on my cooking kick.

This is baked Tilapia served with Couscous tossed in garlic and flax seeds and cooked tomatoes with italian seasonings. Yum!

Today is my last final and I'm going out to see Righteous Soul with friends afterward.

This night will mark the first official event of my summer! Woot woot!

Happy Monday!

2006-05-01T07:04:00.000-04:00

I am so glad to see last week over! I'm actually happy it is Monday, which NEVER happens. I never thought I'd say it, but thank G-d for Monday!Thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts from last week. Someone has been arrested for the murders. Time will tell if it is the right person with enough evidence for conviction. In the meantime, I feel better knowing the animal capable of murdering a pregnant woman in broad daylight is behind bars. I went to the viewing last week and saw a still born baby for the first time in my life; he was buried in his mother's arms. He was beautiful. How could someone have done this? Even more heartbreaking, was her 16 month old daughter walking around the funeral home. She has no idea what has happened and will grow up having never known her mother. When I first heard of this tragedy, the first person I thought of was my own little brother. We are as close as my friend was with her sister. I cannot even fathom the thought of losing someone that close to me. My brother and I always say "I love you" before hanging up the phone or when leaving each other. Somehow, that meant so much more to me this week. This whole situation is a reminder of just how precious life is and how easily it can be taken away. My other friend's husband is doing fine, but still hospitalized. Last Wednesday another friend of mine miscarried. It wasn't far enough along to require any surgery and she seems to be taking the situation very well. There is a lot of healing to be done, but the hardest days are behind.

Well, with everything that happened last week, I'm just going to lay low and try to be a good friend. I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm pretty sure I blew my interview. I'm really bummed because I had been looking forward to it for weeks, but my head just wasn't there. I'll just have to see what happens. In the meantime, I already have plans B and C in line.

I love spring and summer because it is always a time for change and adventure in my life. I come out of winter hibernation ready for new challenges. This year is no different. Over the next few months, I'll have a new job, new friends, and new home. There are also the numerous outdoor festivals, camping, hiking, and kayaking trips. Of course I am going to Cali to visit family, and this year I'm even going to do a little outdoor top-rope (that's rock climbing). I figured I might as well give this blog a overhaul too. Besides, I could use a mindless activity to take up a few hours. What do you think? Any bugs or suggestions? I'll also be shutting down shop over at 100 Things. I think one blog is more than enough. I'll keep it up until all past posts are re-posted here. After that, you can only find me on one channel :)

Thursday and Friday just blend together sometimes

2006-04-28T13:01:00.000-04:00

So my Thursday Thirteen is late - again. Ask me if I care. Anyway, this has been a difficult week. Difficult is an understatement. I thought I'd end the week on a lighter note:

Thirteen Things that make Brea Happy
1. Dark chocolate 2. Spending time in nature 3. Road trips 4. Doing something thoughtful and unexpected for someone 5. A walk on the beach 6. Good sex 7. Reminiscing 8. Good food 9. My dog 10. Obtaining a goal 11. Planning and the pay off 12. Making and spending money 13. A sincere compliment

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. (leave your link in comments, I'll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

What makes you happy?

What is wrong with people?!

2006-04-25T23:40:00.000-04:00

Sunday started out looking terribly bleak; it was rainy and gloomy. I dragged myself out of bed and went an hour late to my lunch date. By the time lunch was finished, the sun was shining brightly and there was no hint of the morning gloom. My friend and I put on our walking shoes and left our cell phones in the house as we spent six hours walking around downtown, occasionally stopping at small shops and cafes. It was a fantastic day spent walking and talking with one of my best friends. After discussing every little detail of what was going on in each others lives, I drove home with a sense of peace I hadn't felt in a long while. I was completely oblivious that Sunday was also a day of senseless violence. Monday morning, phone calls and e-mails brought me crashing down from my cloud as I learned the events of Sunday afternoon- the very same day I felt as if everything was finally right in my little world.

My friend's sister was gunned down Sunday around noon in Baltimore. She was 25 years old, six months pregnant, and at the wrong place at the wrong time. The friend she was with was also killed. Three lives were lost that day, as efforts to save her unborn child failed.

Not far away, later that afternoon in D.C., another friend's husband was shot point blank in the chest while loading his truck. For landscaping equipment, he is in the hospital fighting for his life.

Tomorrow I have a job interview for the job I am so eager to get. Before I go, I will call my friend to ask how her husband is doing in his battle to stay alive. After the interview, I will drive to the viewing of my other friend's sister. Then I have to go to work. There will be no joy in my heart tomorrow, as the day I have been so looking forward to has been tainted by tragedy. Please pray for the family and friends affected by this weekend's events.

Belated Thursday

2006-04-21T12:49:00.000-04:00

Okay, so this week's thirteen is a day late. Better late than never, right? I've been advised to make a list of the non-negotiable qualities for my next partner. That way, even when I'm not looking, I'll know what my standards are if someone should come along. When this was first suggested to me, I thought it silly. But now that I look back over my dating history, a list like this could have really been useful. Especially when people seem to come into my life unexpectedly, I am always caught off guard. I'm also really bad at listening to my inner voice and instead my drive to "make things work" or "give them a chance" or "just see what happens" takes over. So, since I always seem to ignore my SCREAMING inner voice, I think having my non-negotiables in writing is quite necessary. Perhaps if we all had this in writing, we'd stop kissing so many frogs... What would your list look like? Post it in the comments or on your blog. Does your current partner have all of your non-negotiable qualities? Can you recall a past relationship where your partner was missing a non-negotiable? Do you think having a list like this is useful? Do you think sticking to it would have saved you from past grief? How about you, any plans to use such a list as you make these decisions in your future? I seriously plan on sticking to this. From experience, I know these are qualities I need in a partner. I don't want to waste any more time with the wrong person.

Thirteen Things about Brea's Next Partner
1. MUST be self-confident. Jealousy and insecurity will not be tolerated.

2. MUST be affectionate. Hugs, kisses, soft touches...I need all of it.

3. MUST be a great communicator which includes the ability to express feelings.

4. MUST value my feelings and opinions, even if they do not agree. Respect is the key word here.

5. MUST be a good listener. The more I talk, the more comfortable I am with the person. If I am opening up to someone, I want to feel like I am heard.

6. MUST be physically fit. Physical attraction plays a big role between two people. A fit body is a requirement to get my chemistry flowing.

7. MUST be adventurous. Food, music, art, travel, activities, ect. I want someone who is willing to try anything at least once.

8. MUST have a good relationship with their family (unless they are crazy).

9. MUST love the outdoors. Duh!

10. MUST make me smile. Laughter is important too. But mostly, I want someone who makes me light up whether I am talking to them or about them.

11. MUST have a healthy sex-drive.

12. MUST master the art of "just because".

13. MUST know how to let things "go with the flow" without rushing or running from commitment, labels, ect. If they or I want a commitment, make it known. I'm not into playing games. If I come to a point where I want them to be my boyfriend, I will say so. I'd expect the same from them. Until then, let's just enjoy getting to know one another.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. Josie

2. Torrance

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

Weekend Recap

2006-04-17T23:39:00.000-04:00

Look, I'm blogging before Thursday! Are you proud of me? ;)

Well, I had an awesome weekend, although nothing went as planned.....

The plan for Friday: mountain bike by day, party downtown by night. What actually happened: I awoke to a gloomy, rainy morning. After talking to my friend, it was decided that the bike trip was off. Perfect, I could curl back into bed. And curl back into bed I did. There is nothing like waking to an alarm only to discover you can sleep as long as you want. I snuggled up in my comforter and was sound asleep in mere seconds. I slept until my back started to hurt, then I slept some more. Finally, Trek had enough of my laziness and demanded he be taken out. After walking the dog and eating a ridiculously big breakfast, I did what I do most rainy days - I went shopping. I picked up a cute blazer, a button down top, a gift for Steph, some socks,

this ring (sorry, best pic I could get - it's cool, take my word for it),

and these shoes. I'm not a big shoe person but I absolutely LOVE these shoes! By the time my shopping trip was concluded it was bright and sunny out - figures! I took myself out for a late lunch and then headed home during a beautiful sunset.

The fun doesn't stop there. However, the pictures do. See, there is the little matter of this:

My battery charger. It is quite a simple process actually. After using the camera, place batteries into charger and go to sleep. Put batteries back into camera in the morning. Had I done that the last time I used my camera, I'd have a ton of fun pictures from this weekend. But nooooooooooooo, I didn't. And my camera died. Okay, back to the story. Fast forward to late evening. I showered and after three outfit changes, headed over to a friend's place. Remember, the plan was to head downtown. Well, somewhere between our phone conversation and the 30 minute drive to her place, the plan changed. Now we were going to drive another 45 minutes and hit the bars in Annapolis. Now, if you'll recall, I didn't exactly like the bars I went to last time I was there. But I made the best of it and ended up having a good time anyway. Plus, it gave me something to blog about. So, off to Annapolis we went. I ended up having a really awesome time - great atmosphere and company. We hit several bars but ended up spending most of the night at Ram's Head where someone rang up a $60 bar tab! Hey, they have good beer. And you can get it by the pitcher! :) I met an awesome guy who spends his summers on various outdoor trips - we exchanged numbers. I also met up with my drunk ass H.S. friend who had been at happy hour since six - keep in mind I didn't get there until 11pm. Drunk ass is an understatement actually - but it was funny. After last call we took my drunk friend home and then hit up Double T Diner. Yum! French toast and eggs at 2am is amazing stuff let me tell you. I was in heaven. It was the perfect conclusion to the night.

The plan for Saturday: wake up early to go hiking, lunch, run errands, late night girl talk and art projects. What actually happened: Woke up late. Lounged around in PJs until nearly one. Last minute decision to hike in Loch Raven resulted in never finding an actual trail and listening to the county firing range - not exactly the best way to enjoy nature. But it was good company and good conversation where we compiled a list of all the art/music/outdoor trips/activities to be done this summer. After our "hike", we went out for lunch. You'd think we hadn't had a bite in years. Between the three of us, we rang up a $100 food bill. We had salads, lobster, crab legs, and filets. Yum! After lunch, I ran errands with a friend. I went home to shower and never made it back out of the house for girl talk and art projects.

The plan for Sunday: sleep late, go to work, endure a slow shift of 10% tips, miss Easter dinner with the family. What actually happened: Well, everything pretty much went according to plan: sleep, work, bad tips.... However, my Mom saved the day! There was Filet Mignon, rice, and veggies left for me from Easter dinner. A couple minutes in the microwave, and I was enjoying Easter dinner with my family (even though I was the only one eating and it was in the living room watching TV- minor details). I was even able to hang out with my brother a bit before he had to go back to school.

This weekend was much needed: I had fun without a drop of drama (unless of course you count the 17 phone calls from a crazy ex-co-worker - yes, 17, I just counted). I made a big decision - I'm moving downtown at the end of the summer. I'm not taking the job my Dad wanted to hook me up with. Instead, I'm going to apply for another job. It will still be more than a teacher salary - but not a HUGE salary enough to tempt me from not following my dreams. I really bonded with a new friend in my life and did a lot of catching up with some old ones. I have some exciting trips and activities in store for the summer (which I need to put in writing lest I forget anything). I've also decided NOT to tell Mr. Right to go f*^k himself should he come along. Actually, I'll just ask him to be my friend. One can never have too many good friends. I still have quite a bit to get figured out, but less left up in the air. It feels good.

Smiley for the Day:

Bitchy Thursday

2006-04-13T10:09:00.000-04:00

This week's thirteen quickly progresses into my own personal bitch fest. Enjoy.

Thirteen Things about Brea

1. Not sure if I'm hungover or dying. Either way, I hope it is over soon.

2. The cut on my finger from last week still makes people shutter. I have shock value - very cool.

3. I'm on a roll - made another awesome dinner last week. This time without hurting myself. I may catch on to this domestic stuff yet!

4. I have a bit of a housing dilemma. I was supposed to move into a county apartment with a friend. However, another friend of mine just landed a job downtown and wants to move into the city. I've always wanted to live in the city. Plus, we can get a townhome instead of an apartment. What to do?!

5. I have the entire weekend off = hiking, mountain biking, and live music. I can't wait!

6. Thank G-d for unlimited text messaging.

7. I have misplaced the face plate to my car stereo. Car rides are so boring now. I mean really, when I'm screaming at all the jerk drivers out there, there is no theme music. That's no fun. Plus, I can no longer share my awesome singing talent with anyone stuck next to me at a traffic light.

8. I finally saw Crash. What an awesome movie! And the music! I think I may have to buy the soundtrack. If you ask me, the score really helped make the movie so powerful.

9. Is it me or is everyone on a diet? Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly happy with this winter belly. But the thought of not eating anything I want is just plain scary. No carbs? No sugar? I'd starve! Scaaaaaaaaaaary!

10. I've been presented with an awesome job opportunity. All I have to do is apply and train. It's a hook up from my Dad - which has always worked out great in the past. I'd make more than my teacher salary after graduation (which thanks to our societal values, isn't impressive to begin with - but that's another blog...). So what is the problem? My passion has always been to teach. I'm afraid if I take this job, I won't be able to give up the money. But it would make the right now fantastic. Dilemma number two.

11. Why is it the guys I attract are either arrogant assholes (who think every girl is trying to wrap them up), a friend (who cannot keep boundaries), obsessive (who can't just chill without trying to force a commitment and/or have to know where I am at all times), or just plain BLECH?! Where is the happy medium?! I give up. If Mr. Right comes along, I'm going to tell him to go f--k himself too.

12. Why do some people still think 10% is a good tip? And why are these same people so proud of their shitty tip that they have to deliver it personally? Your verbal tip of, "You did such a great job" isn't going to pay my bills. That being said, none of these people were out last night. I was on fire! Every single table OVER-tipped me and I ended up making three times anyone else in the restaurant. So to the guy who made me cry last week, I'd just like to say....nevermind, I'll spare you the profanities.

13. This blog needs a new look. I'm just not sure what I'll do yet. I think I may blog before next Thursday. Yes, I will. I will blog before next Thursday. There, I said it, now I have to do it. Stay tuned...

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. Audrey

2. Dee-Dee

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

Happy Thursday!

2006-04-06T00:52:00.000-04:00

Got this idea from Audrey's blog. At least now you can count on hearing my randomness at least once a week. Aren't you excited?! ;)

Thirteen Things about Brea:

1. Developed a sore throat and swollen lymph nodes (the ones behind my ears) today. Gee, wonder if I'm getting sick?

2. Dropped $500 on car repairs. Oh happy day!

3. Reconnected with old friends from H.S. and college. What ever happened to solid platonic relationships with men? Why do they always have to see how far they can go?

4. Anxiously awaiting news of our next backpacking trip. Can we go now? How about now? Now?!

5. A customer made me cry Tuesday night. What kind of piece of shit offers $25 and an apology as constellation for being an asshole. Get the f*%# out! I hope they burn in hell.

6. I'm not bitter, really.

7. I love red wine, it made me forget my work shirt at the bar. Don't ask.

8. Sliced my finger on an empty can of green beans. Right on the tip and it took a good twenty minutes to stop the bleeding. Who does that? Oh, I do. Fortunately, this minor setback was forgotten quickly. I made an awesome dinner.

9. Still searching, finding nothing. It may be easier if I figure out what the hell it is I am looking for in the first place! Which brings me to...

10. I miss blogging and my blogging buddies. I know for a fact that I am most successful when I work things out in writing. You'd think in my current state of BLAH, I'd be writing up a storm. I'm not.

11. Bought a $45 bra at Victoria's Secret this weekend. It makes my boobs look good and has clear straps for use with halters and spaghetti straps. I'm still trying to convince myself it was worth it. When is the last time a man spent more than $10 on underwear? It just doesn't seem fair! Moving on... By the time I left the mall, my pocket was $200 lighter. Good thing I don't do that often.

12. Trying to decide who I should invite to the annual fishing trip this year. Part of me would like you-know-who to come. How sad is that? I have all these wonderful people in my life and HE is the one I want there. That says something about me, doesn't it?

13. Debating whether to take classes this summer or to work my ass off and save money (or spend it all decorating my new apartment, on car repairs, or buying bras from VS).

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. Audrey

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

Let me know if you decide to start doing this on your own blog. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed a glimpse into the randomness that is my life. Just be glad all you get is a glimpse; I'm stuck in this head for life! Now that's a scary thought!

I smell like a wet dog.

2006-03-28T13:29:00.000-05:00

And I have enough dog hair on me to be mistaken for a dalmation. That's right, just got back from the dog wash with Trek. To say he is shedding his winter coat would be the understatement of the century. Today I decided Trek will no longer be going to the groomer. There is no need. I can take him to the dog wash and have him in and out in an hour. The lady helps me wash him, actually clips his nails to where they aren't clickty-clacking on the sidewalk (like they should be), she can perform the once a month "cleaning" (I'll spare the non-dog owners here), and I get to be there to make the whole process less stressful. Bonus, Trek loves her. Bigger bonus, it is half the price. Okay, that was today's epiphany. Moving on...

I have really been slacking on the blogging, yet again. From all the comments and e-mails in my absence, I gather you actually miss me. Awww, thanks! I feel like I should have some awesome post after all this time. Don't get excited because...well... I don't. Let's see...

Enquiring minds want to know about the guy I met online. Recap, our first few dates were amazing. Then I began to notice he talks, A LOT. To the point where since my body language and lack of response were missed, I'd just lay my head down. He'd keep talking. When I told him I wasn't really having a good time hanging out, it developed into this awkward conversation. Give him a chance, he still wants to hang out, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is the point where any normal person would have ended things. But nooooo, not Brea. Brea was too much enjoying the physical intimacy. Then during one of his late night ramblings he mentioned something about not wanting to break my heart. Whaaaaaaaaaat?! My heart? Who does this guy think he is? Yes, he's super cute. Yes, he's a nice guy. But come on! My heart?! That's when we stopped talking. Then after weeks of not talking or seeing him, the lack of closure began to irritate me. I have this need for closure. I need that last conversation, even if it is just to say we're done. So that's where I am right now, irritated that I missed my chance for closure. Oh, and lesson learned, hands off. Physical intimacy somehow turns off my brain.
I have been actively searching for a creative community to belong to. I haven't found it yet, but the search has been fun. I attended an open mic night and discovered these guys:They are a local group called Righteous Soul. Very talented, positive message. I'm discovering the art scene in Baltimore is very small and at times clickish - it's irritating. I'm not giving up though, there has to be an open art group in this city where I will feel connected and comfortable. My search has taken me all over the city to places I've never been. Cool.
My party animal has been put to rest. I over did it winter break which spilled into my spring semester. And let me tell you, playing catch up was no fun. But this night out with my co-workers was...Focus. I'm done, really. By now, the week after spring break, I'm done.
I found a new paddling buddy for the 2006 season. Introducing...Chris! This pic was taken after he'd finished the Sam Adams around the world tour and I a bottle of wine. Good times. No wonder he's my new paddling buddy, he can drink like a sailor. Straight shots of Old Grandad after his beer tour. Yuck!
I've also been touring rehabs in the city. Baltimore is undergoing a huge effort to rehabilitate abandoned/unkept housing and revitalize city neighborhoods. While on the surface the effort seems great, there is another side to it. Here is an example: This is a home I toured this weekend. They did an excellent job, the home is gorgeous. This home is now selling for over $335,000. Fine. Here is where I see the problem. These rehab projects start with abandoned housing. Then developers start to buy occupied housing. Effectively, pushing poor people out of their homes. Landlords no longer want to deal with tenants when they can rehab and sell their property for a huge profit. There should be a balance of affordable housing for displaced residents, but there isn't. I'm no expert in urban development, but something has got to give.

Well, that about covers it. Sad isn't it?

Even Trek has fallen asleep. Well I need a shower. I'm not dead, thanks for checking in on me. I think I may be blogging more, but don't hold me to it.

Finally!

2006-03-05T17:01:00.000-05:00

Trek turns four this month. In his honor, the moment you've been waiting for . . . . . Click the link below.

Happy Birthday Trek!

Long time , no write.

2006-02-15T10:47:00.000-05:00

It's been weeks since I really felt like blogging. Perhaps my blogging life is coming to an end? I just don't seem to have the motivation I once had for it. I'll give it another month....

Well, anyway, I do have good news to report. I had a date this past Friday and it went really well. Actually what started out as a lunch date ended up being an all day marathon. We were having such a good time that it just kept going and going. It started with him making me lunch (fried tofu, potatoes, and homemade fruit salad) then we went to the American Visionary Art Museum, to the National Aquarium, to dinner, and finally to the hookah bar. I had a great time. It was so refreshing to have a cute guy my age with his life together, say and do all the right things. We had plans to get together on Sunday but the noreaster took care of that. Since I had to work on Valentine's Day, he surprised me by coming to my job. After work we went out and grabbed drinks with some of my friends and then kissed under the moonlight in the parking lot before going our separate ways. (I know some of my readers want to know: yes, he's a great kisser) We have plans for Friday. I can't remember the last time I had an instant physical attraction and intellectual connection with someone. It seems like my whole life the guys I dated "grew on me". I'm really excited to see where things go.

In other news, my H.S. crush found me on myspace. How crazy is that?! He messaged me today. I had COMPLETELY forgotten about him! I was so shy around him all through H.S. My does time fly. So maybe we'll be friends in the end?

I think I've answered my own question about matches made in cyberspace. Be careful, be selective, and have fun!

Smiley for the Day:

2006-02-14T11:26:00.000-05:00

HAPPY

VALENTINE'S

DAY!! :)

Smile for the Day:

Match made in cyberspace?

2006-02-03T12:52:00.000-05:00

Okay, I need a little help here. I finally joined myspace after my friend was driving me nuts over it. I've been on for almost a month now. To date, I have received 12 messages from local guys wanting to get to know me. I have yet to respond to anyone. The whole idea of online dating creeps me out. I mean, you have absolutely no control over who is reading your profile. How do I know they are not some psycho? On the otherhand, some of these guys seem really cool and are quite cute. I have two friends who have met guys from myspace and things are going well. So here is my dilemma: to respond or not respond. I could be missing out on something good and I could be missing out on something bad. Even if I decide to respond - how does one possibly handle all these inquiries? What do you think? Anyone with experience and/or advice to offer?

**UPDATE**

As a lark, I posted on CL this afternoon. By midnight, I received 31 responses. Some were funny, intriguing, repulsing, and others just blah. It's an eerie feeling to have people respond like it is a job interview or sales pitch for a girl they don't even know. What does internet dating say about our culture as a whole?

Smiley for the Day:

Great Weekend

2006-01-30T14:51:00.001-05:00

Fortunately, an awesome weekend usually follows a shitty week. The weather felt like spring. I laughed with friends. I rested. I ate. That's all it takes to make me happy.

My brother moved back to school this weekend. Looks like he was bored the night before....

I found this pic on my camera :)

Even Trek had a fab weekend. Sunday, I went with friends to Mariner point with the dogs. Trek went swimming and running for a couple hours. He was good and tired by the time we left.

My friend's dog is running up the ramp. The big green arrow should help you id Trek.

School starts today and the past was over yesterday.

Another day, another disappointment

2006-01-27T11:44:00.000-05:00

So I paid my school bill yesterday. Worked my ass off all summer at a job I hated. Worked my ass off at my new job since fall. It wasn't enough.

So the family support my father begged me to move back home for is non-existent and my brother goes back to college this weekend.

So I spent $1,000 on my car last month. The check engine light came back on yesterday. Fuck.

So I have 12 saved voicemails. I don't have the time or energy to return any of the calls.

So we talked last week. He admitted he was dishonest - understatement of the century. I told him the hurt it caused. I haven't heard from him since. I moved for you. I put my education on hold for you. I loved you without reservation. I'm paying for it now. Don't give me the line you have been busy when you finally decide to call - when you think I have forgotten our conversations, my tears, my pain... I'm done.

So I've become listless.

wish i may
(listen to track here)

i am losing my love of adventure
i'm losing all respect
for me and myself tonight
i wonder what happens if i get to
the end of this tunnel
and there isn't a light
i've worn down the treads
on all of my tires
i've worn through the elbows
and the knees of my clothing
i am stumbling down
the gravel driveway of desire
trying not to wake up

my sleeping self-loathing

do you ever have that dream
where you open your mouth
and you try to scream
but you can't make a sound
that's every day starting now
that's every day starting now
don't tell me it's gonna be alright
you can't sell me on your optimism tonight
don't tell me it's gonna be alright
you can't sell me on your optimism tonight

it's a stiff competition
to see who can stay up later
the stars or the street lights
all they really want
is to be alone with the darkness
no more wish i may
no more wish i might
it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i got to suck it up and savor
the taste of my own behavior
i am spinning with longing
faster then a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel

i don't think i am strong enough
to do this much longer
god, i wish i was stronger
this song could never be long enough
to express every longing
god, i wish it was longer...

-Ani DiFranco

Today on 100 Things: Down in the Dumps

Is it spring yet?

2006-01-20T14:19:00.000-05:00

Did I ever tell you how much I hate winter?

I was told growing up not to use the word "hate" because it is a very strong word. I HATE winter. I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!! I took Trek to the dog park earlier this week. I was all suited up: Gore-Tex winter boots, long johns under my jeans, layered tops, Columbia jacket, fleece double lined head warmer, and gloves. All that just to take the dog to the park and I was still cold. (**insert obscene profanities here**) Okay, I just had to get that off my chest. Moving on...

We are nearly a month into 2006 and I have yet to write my "New Years post". Okay, so here it is. First I'll recap 2005. I could look at it two ways:

NEGATIVE: Other than April, May, & part of June, 2005 sucked. In fact, the sooner I forget it ever happened, the better.
POSITIVE: 2005 was a difficult year, there is no denying that. I showed amazing strength and revealed big weaknesses as well. It is neither good nor bad, it just is. As with all the years before it, 2005 allowed me to get to know myself better. In the end, amazing things happened last year that I wouldn't trade for the world. Here are the highlights: [P E O P L E] Two major chapters closed: a 4+ year romantic relationship and 10+ year friendship ended in 2005. It was time and I am thankful for all the years that we shared. I met lots of new people last year that I may never had if I'd still been in a relationship. Lots of casual friends and one life-long one. [P L A C E S] I went backpacking!!!!!! And I made friends that are into all of the outdoor sports I love. There are amazing trips in the works for this summer. :) I also moved back to my hometown. Although I'd be happier living somewhere else, it lessened the financial burden and allowed me to heal. In essence it has been a break from the "real world" and a much need one at that! [T H I N G S] I have a completely new wardrobe. After years of "dressing down" for an insecure boyfriend, I found I really enjoy dressing up. While not mainstream, I've found my own unique style that expresses my femininity.

That was a prime example of how easy it is to be negative. There is always a way to put a positive spin on things, sometimes it just takes more effort. Another important part of 2005 was blogging. It served as both a creative and an emotional outlet for me. There were many times when I couldn't articulate my feelings anywhere else but on this blog. Here is a recap of my blogging year by the first sentence of each month's entry.

January: I broke my engagement with Yoni and ended the relationship.
February: What was I doing at 7am?
March: Wow, it has been a while since I've written.
April: ...here are ten exams for this week and ten assignments due next week.
May: "Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful."
-- Denis Waitley
June: The first title of this blog was "The Whirlwind Ahead".
July: I'm taking a trip down south.
August: I've moved on to the occasional coughing spell.
September: I haven't posted nearly enough photos of my dog this summer.
October: Guess who won today's running competition!
November: I was a bunny.
December: I was asked that question by a co-worker yesterday.

Recap complete.

From the feedback I got on 100 Things and what I have seen on other blogs, most people make resolutions for the new year. Some people delay the timing or call it by a different name - but they all seem like resolutions to me. I made resolutions last year and completed them all except for 'get back into road racing'. I think I got a bit overzealous with that one. I have a short list of resolutions for 2006:

Find my inner strength.
Finish my degree.
Get a Brazilian bikini wax.
Try a different approach to relationships: with my head instead of my heart.
Spend more time alone.
Go on at least three backpacking trips.
Take a vacation.
I am getting that new camera!!!
Learn how to play at least a children's song on guitar.
Get back into road racing. (HA HA HA!!)

I have a good feeling about this year ;)

Smiley for the Day:

Not just a day off...

2006-01-16T14:08:00.000-05:00

Intentions

2006-01-13T13:49:00.000-05:00

My intention was to sit down and write a post about the end of 2005 and the start of a new year. But now that I am in front of the computer, I'm not really feeling inspired. Maybe next week....

This week has been fantastic so far. With the break-neck pace of the holidays over, I have time for me again. In fact, since I had the last two days off, I have busied myself doing all the things I didn't have the time or energy to do over recent weeks. It feels good to have so much cleared out of my head. I still have a lot to finish but I think I can get it done on Sunday (my designated ME day).

As I prepare to write my 2005 reflection, I would love some feedback over at 100 Things. So CLICK HERE to read my New Year post and leave a comment. Please and Thank you! Have a great weekend all!!!

Smiley for the Day:

I know, I know

2006-01-09T14:02:00.000-05:00

It's been a loooooong time since I've written a blog entry. Sorry. Holidays, anniversaries, and way too much work - it has been a rough couple of weeks for me. My friend at work looked me straight in the eye the other day and said, "You need a vacation." She's right - a vacation and a re-evaluation. But who has time for that? Certainly not me. I've got tuition to raise and the clock ticks ever loudly. So, I'll continue existing until spring when I can start living again. If that made no sense to you, consider yourself lucky. Moving on...

I've been slacking with the picture taking these days. Guess I'm pouting since I still don't have a new camera. I will, however, share the top two photos of recent weeks:

First we have this beauty. It is brought to you by a team effort: me, my brother, and unwittingly - Stephanie. It is a big family joke about how much and how fast my Dad eats. Seriously, this man can eat you out of house and home and he isn't shy about it. It was always embarassing to take him to my ex's parents' home for dinner. She (being a typical Jewish mother who loves to feed people) and he (eating like it was his first meal in years) were quite the dynamic! For some reason, he becomes awful shy when there is a camera around - I just can't imagine why *wink*. After several failed attempts to capture this eating machine in action, we finally got the shot we wanted. He was distracted by a conversation with Stephanie (who joined us for Christmas dinner) and my brother saw the opportunity. *Snap!* The perfect shot. He looks like a chipmunk! Lol!! A post on the internet is just the beginning; I've got mass e-mails and posters to distribute. Ha ha ha!!!

This next shot was taken at a hookah bar. I'd never even heard of hookah before. It was a lot of fun: cool atmosphere, good music, delicious food, and of course great hookah. Here I am pictured next to Paul after he'd taken a ridiculously big hit of the hookah. LMAO! Looks like he's grown a beard!

Well, with the roughest winter weeks behind me, I anticipate the same random blogging you have come to expect. As spring approaches, you can expect more accounts of adventures in the life of me. Thanks for all the comments and e-mails from my blogging buddies while I was away - ya'll are too sweet to me! I'm slowly coming out of hibernation - so watch out! :)

Smiley for the Day:

Happy Friday!

2005-12-23T12:27:00.000-05:00

I've been MIA from the blogging world for a while. Nothing exciting to report. After school was over, I worked 7 days straight. In between all that work I managed to have some fun. The highlights were hanging out with friends and attending our company holiday party. You think I'm a party girl?! Ha! My co-workers could drink me under the table. They ran the poor bartenders into the ground! I seriously thought one of them was going to have a heart attack. He was sweating profusely, running back and forth and mumbling nonsense - poor guy. Remarkably, I didn't manage to take a single picture. Ah, well.

Let's see, Monday night I could have been on an episode of Emergency Vets. Trek ingested an entire bottle of doggy painkillers b/c a certain BITCH left them on my desk chair instead of out of his reach. I was half asleep when I heard the sound of crunching plastic. The child safety seal was destroyed and all five chicken-flavored tablets were gone. I was pissed. I have never gotten so close to slapping the shit out of someone in my life! Seriously. Everyone who knows my dog - knows he's EXTREMELY food motivated. Why the fuck someone would be inconsiderate enough to leave a chicken-smelling bottle of pills on my desk chair is beyond me. Fortunately, Trek is a big enough dog that the pills he ate were just in range of the maximum therapeutic dose (psychopharmacology wasn't useless after all). The only side effect at that dose is gastrointestinal upset, something an over the counter medicine would take care of. Before hanging up the phone, the vet said, "That dog is trouble!" I responded, "Nah, he's not any trouble. He's just an innocent bystander of my enormous storm cloud." She laughed. I cried. (not really, just sounds more dramatic) So at 1am I was driving around every convenience store and gas station looking for PepcidAC. Good times.

Yesterday was my only day off. Finally, a day to relax and get some things done around the house. Riiiiight. Of course it wasn't at all the productive day I had planned. My baby Mazda had to go in the shop after 107,000 miles of faithful service: the water pump went up. I'd just like to take a moment to thank the Mazda engineers for recessing this part (unlike in most cars) costing me serious labor. Oh happy day! After getting an estimate in good ol' Bel Air, I was told I would have to wait until after New Years to fix a problem that could leave me stranded any day now. Did I ever mention how much I hate Bel Air? So, I called my ex's friend in Columbia (where the mechanics graduate from H.S.) and he'll have it done by tomorrow. Bonus: he is going to replace other parts such as the timing belt, PVC valve, and other things I don't remember the names of - I just have to pay for the parts. All that and $100 cheaper even with replacing all the extra parts. Suck on that Bel Air!

Well, while waiting for my dad to pick me up from the auto repair shop, I decided to walk over to Target. I love Target. But this time of year, the store is invaded by cart driving maniacs. Seriously, women will just plow you over trying to get a new power tool for their husband. Oh, and do not even dare try to look at the holiday decorations. People are crazy. And what ever happened to excuse me or pardon me? Geeeeeeez.

Alright, I feel like I should get out of my pajamas and do something productive now. I hope everyone enjoys their holiday weekend! I will be stuffing my face on Christmas day. However, with Thanksgiving still fresh in my mind, I'll try not to overdo it. No promises though - my Momma is cooking!

Smiley for the Day:

I'm here . . . somewhere

2005-12-14T23:24:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not off somewhere going through a quarter-life crisis. I'm not in crisis at all actually. I was just being lazy and thought I'd post a forward. Yes, I can relate to much of it. And yes, I hit a low point two weekends ago. But a crisis? That's going a bit far. I've actually been enjoying bits and pieces of my life over the last few weeks.

Let's see...

...there was cooking with my mom, Stephanie, and "the cute little bug". How do you know that the food you are eating is truly organic? When a "cute little bug" comes with your baby spinach. We made salmon baked in butter lettuce (pictured), lamb sausage patties, Jamaican rice and beans, and sautéed baby spinach. The food was fabulous as was the time we spent together shopping, preparing, cooking, and eating. Yum!

...there was underwear and bra shopping. Now if you know me at all, are a longtime reader of this blog, or read my post on 100 Things about underwear, you know I'm not a big fan. Perhaps because Trek finds my underwear to be a favorite chew toy. Until recently, I had only one matching set thanks to my four-legged roommate. Well, I have since remedied that. I now have lots of cute bra and panty sets. Pink, yellow, black, brown, and red, oh my! I never thought I'd have so much fun shopping. Who knows, maybe I'll start wearing underwear more often!!

...there has been lots o' beer combined with lots o' camera phone fun. In case you missed it, my parents got me a new camera phone for my birthday. Although it wasn't the the Sony Cyber-Shot DSC-P200, 7.2 Megapixel, 3x Optical/6x Digtal Zoom Digital Camera that I am in love with (even more so now that I discovered that it comes in black) that I was dropping hints all over the place about, the new phone was a great birthday gift. I no longer have the bottom-of-the-line, piece-of-crap I once called my cell phone. I now have an awesome phone with speakerphone, voicedial, color screen, and a digital camera!! And I thought my parents were technologically challenged. Good job Mom and Dad! Okay, got a bit sidetracked there. As I was saying... This new phone is great entertainment while out drinking with friends - I highly recommend it. Now I can capture fun moments when I forget my regular camera or when I have a spontaneous outing. Better yet, I can send said pictures to whomever I please at the push of a button. Not that I have done that or anything. Hee hee hee (evil laugh). I've also been going out with people from work quite a bit. There have been several birthdays and such recently. I found out that in addition to not knowing how to have fun, I am also conceited. Whaaaaat?! Who knew?! I'm glad to report that my recent outings have not only shown them that I am not at all conceited and indeed know how to have fun, but it has also led to two crushes and one guy exclaiming, "You are cool as shit!" Now I know certain bloggers are going to ask about said crushes. No, I am not interested. But I must admit, I like the attention. It sure has made work more interesting! With school out and winter in, I'm going to start hanging out with them more. It does irritate me how I was perceived for going on four months, but I hope everyone involved learned not to be so judgmental.

...there was Levern's awards dinner. He and I are former co-workers and close friends. Levern won paralegal of the year and of course I had to be there to support him. Fortunately, the doorman thought I was cute and didn't charge me the hefty $50 ticket price. Highlight next to Levern receiving his award? Double chocolate fudge mousse cake. Yum!

...there was a failed attempt to share Trek's vocal skills. Don't bother clicking on the picture above because I couldn't get the video uploaded. You are really missing out because Trek can give a rendition of Outkast that you will never forget. He also sings Ani DiFranco quite well - surprise. But damn it, my uploading program crashed twice and that is all the patience I have. **Sigh** - It's times like these I miss dating a computer genius. For anyone who knows how to upload video successfully - an e-mail would be greatly appreciated.

...there has been harmony between me, my belly, my jeans, and the bathroom scale. I have somehow avoided the after Thanksgiving 10-15 lbs. of blubber this year. I haven't increased my daily exercise nor have I decreased my daily chocolate intake. Shhhhh - maybe my body doesn't know what time of year it is.

...there is enough snow for doggie boots. I looooove playing in the snow with Trek. Now, I know Trek doesn't look too thrilled in this picture. But trust me, it is for his own good. When all the other dogs have to leave the park b/c their paws are bright red from the cold, guess who is still playing? Besides, Trek is big enough to beat up any dog who makes fun of him.

...there has been confusion over time and boundaries. The ex wants to be my "best friend". I'm not sure that is possible with us both admiting we still having feelings for one another. However, I miss him terribly and would love if we could be friends. We set up obvious boundaries: no sex, no kissing. If only it were so simple. He wanted to buy the coveted camera for my birthday. I declined. I felt such an expensive gift would be crossing the boundary of this new friendship we are trying to build. We argued over it for some time. He finally gave up trying to convince me and told me to think about it. Oh the temptation!! He's already chastised my partying. What gives him the right? He has just walked back into my life and already he is falling back into attitudes that caused me so much grief in the past? Then there is his new position at work - he's traveling twice as much as when we were together. Already he has bailed on plans and doesn't know when he'll have time to reschedule. Now I'm decked out in all our history. All the feelings of past hurt are rushing back. I've tried hard to avoid it, but now it is too late. So now what? Feel the loss all over again? Or hang on and hope it gets better? Then there is a "friend" who never seems to make time for me. In fact, I cannot remember the last time we hung out on his initiative. What is worse, he's always telling me I mean a lot to him and he will do better, but he never does. Actions speak louder than words, no? Why keep telling me the same thing over and over and not change your behavior? Why become silent when I confront you about it? It is as I have known but have refused to face. It hurts. "Learn to suppress it pretty girl..."

...then there is school. Finals are over Friday morning. Woot-woot!! Granted this wasn't exactly the most challenging semester, I'm still glad that it is almost over. I plan on partying my little butt off this weekend. Are you with me?

I think that about covers what I have been up to in recent weeks. Crisis averted.

Smiley for the Day:

TWENTY-SOMETHING Years Old

2005-12-12T14:26:00.000-05:00

A forward I received...

They call it the "Quarter-Life Crisis". It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom - and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too, and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself...and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

Always Evolving

2005-12-07T15:39:00.000-05:00

"the one person who really knows me best
says i'm like a cat
the kind of cat that you just can't pick up
and throw into your lap
no, the kind that doesn't mind being held
only when it's her idea
yeah, the kind that feels what she decides to feel
when she's good and ready to feel it"
-Ani DiFranco, Virtue

Writing poetry in times of distress is nothing new for me. Posting it on the internet, however, is. Writing gives me a great sense of release. The only other time I have ever used this medium for my poetry was this post. I'm surprised to see how many people relate to my writing. This goes for my everyday ramblings but especially for my pain in its most raw form. Monday's post somehow spoke to something inside of several readers. I'm still amazed. All in all, the post elicited feelings of understanding of my pain and my need for expression. Thank you.

The art above was created by my friend Stephanie in honor of my birthday. I felt what I needed to feel. I expressed how I needed to express. I'm not looking back. I'm moving forward. She's right, we are always evolving...

This is me.

2005-12-05T13:30:00.000-05:00

I am one emotionally-drained little blogger. Yesterday my spirit took a beatdown from every which direction. I took the dog for a hike to try to clear my head. At least HE had fun - it was too cold for the release I was looking for. After I thawed out and napped, I headed to a friend's house for fun. It was fun. Then the phone rang. Stab. Then it rang again. Stab. And once more. Stab. In the end, I just wanted to go home - to my room - to my one safe place. I couldn't go home and my frustration brought me to tears. I just layed on the floor and cried. I need to just cry long and hard for a few days and then, once again, pick up the pieces. Get back to fighting. Get back to smiling. Please keep inquiring minds at bay. If I knew what and why, this post wouldn't be the way it is. This is raw emotion here folks. I'm not clarifying anything. Thanks for your understanding.

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This is me.
Brea.
I am, who I am.
Nothing more, just less.
And less.
And less.
You want to be the pretty girl?
Walk in my shoes.
Be the object of lust.
Let every touch hurt.
Let every word lie.
Cry.
Every touch hurts.
Every word lies.
So many accidents.
So many wounds.
Sobbing.
Let them take whatever they want.
Feel stupid.
Feel angry.
Feel used.
Say nothing!
You want to be the pretty girl?
Cry alone.
Cry in his arms.
It doesn't matter, you are still alone.
Confusion.
Poor pretty girl.
Know what it is like,
to wish his weight would crush your chest,
to know he would not notice that you have ceased to breathe.
Oh to end the aching in your chest!
The question is in their eyes or on their lips,
"Do you think you are better than me?"

Don't answer.

They never listen.
You give.
They take.
And take.
And take.
What's the matter pretty girl?
You know you like it.
You know it feels good.
You dirty girl.
Let the same person hurt you.
Over and over.
Let them make you feel unimportant.
Let your feelings be discounted or ignored.
You are only a face, a body, a vagina.
You are just a pretty girl.
To be used.
Settle for last place.
Listen to the same excuses.
Get used to these words,
"I'm sorry for hurting you."
You'll hear them, over and over.
Empty words.
The ripping and tearing is louder than your heartbeat.
What you think and feel is not important.
Learn to suppress it pretty girl.
Keep smiling.

There is no one to hold you when your body shakes with such uncontrollable violence that the thoughts within your head begin to fall out of your mouth - no one to collect those words and return them to their hiding place before someone else sees them - for there are thoughts and emotions in those words: heartache and pain - what if the world hears those words and therefore realizes that this smile is only a mask for a sadness that even these words spilled in agony can not express?

My smile has hidden so much pain,

I dare not frown.

Today on 100 Things: An Easy One

Happy Friday!

2005-12-02T15:16:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to wish everyone a good weekend!!! I hope the weekend holds fun and/or relaxation. I'm going for relaxation this weekend. Trek just nearly killed himself running from me. I just don't get it . . .

Was it something I said?

Today on 100 Things: Body Modification

Do you ever have any fun?

2005-12-01T10:49:00.000-05:00

I was asked that question by a co-worker yesterday. I have never been so caught off guard in my entire life. Whaaaaaat? Of course I do!!! All the time! Do I really give the impression that I am all work and no play? I mean, I've hit the bars after work a few times with my co-workers. Got me pulled over doing a sobriety test one night! And yes, I've turned down a lot of invites - but only b/c of previous plans or schoolwork. And here he is questioning the fun-o-meter in my life?!!!! Yikes! So, after explaining to him that I do have a life outside of work, I started thinking. Shocker, I know. It is sort of a continuation of this post: In my own reality. What different perceptions do people have of me & what role does that play in my life?

At school, everyone thinks of me as "the smart kid". I am willing to bet money that they think I spend my days and nights studying. Ha! Nothing could be further from the truth! Yes, I get high exam scores, but it sure as hell isn't because I spend all my time studying! So why do they have this perception of me? Well, because I ask questions and I interact with my professors. Is it because I have an insatiable desire for knowledge? Not so much. I'm an auditory learner. If I hear and comprehend a topic in class, I don't have to read or study it later. So while everyone else is too shy to answer or ask questions, I make it my prerogative. While they are up all night studying for an exam, I'm sleeping. They can think what they want. Now papers and projects, that's a WHOLE different story. But my guess is, they would be shocked to learn I often wait until the night before to write a paper. Brea the nerd. I think not. Brea, the girl that takes her education into her own hands so she doesn't have to work as hard later. That's more like it.

I could go through every area of my life and detail how I am perceived. But I really don't feel like typing that much ;) But my point is, people form perceptions about you according to your actions. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but if your actions don't line up; people are hard pressed to believe you. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. Without getting to know a person, overt behavior is all we have to go on. Perceptions are healthy and can even help keep us safe. Ever been in a situation where someone you didn't know made you feel uncomfortable? In that situation, my personal safety comes before any niceties. If you make me feel uncomfortable, one of us has got to go. On the other end of the spectrum, perceptions help us in our relationships. This becomes important in adulthood. As a child, our best friends were made because they lived down the street or were in the same homeroom for five years. As an adult, relationships take work. People live further and further apart, have increasing demands on time, etc. Although I have casual friends, I prefer depth in my relationships. If I am working on maintaining a relationship, I want it to be worth my while.

As mentioned in my profile, I do not care what people think of me. I have such a hard time understanding people that are always worried about what others think. I have friends who are that way and IT DRIVES ME NUTS! They know it too b/c I make no secret of it. Although you have some measure of influence on how others perceive you, you have no control over it. People are going to think what they are going to think - it is much easier than really getting to know someone. Why waste your energy/peace worrying about it? Just be yourself. If you don't take the time to really get to know me, I could give a rat's ass what you think about me. But this rule doesn't apply to my friends. If my actions don't line up with whom they've known me to be, I want to know about it. In the same way, if your actions aren't lining up with the person I thinkt you are, I'm going to tell you. In this way, relationships challenge us. I could never understand, "I don't want to say anything because they may get mad at me". Please. Isn't that what friends are for? To make us face things in ourselves, better ourselves, and enrich our lives? I'm not saying you should trample someone's feelings in the name of brutal honesty. I think you should be straight forward, but you must have tact.

Like I've said before, my brain is loosely connected. I'm not sure if any of that made sense. Those were the thoughts running through my head after my coworker asked me that question. His comment didn't make me want to show him how much fun I can be. It didn't make me accept his invite to the pool hall with my co-workers after work. I told him all I wanted to do was go to bed, the same answer I would have given had he not asked the question. I have nothing to prove. If he wants to think I'm no fun, it doesn't cost me anything - he's the one missing out. But his question did trigger all these random thoughts on the ride home. I am comfortable with who I am. I'm not quite WHERE I want to be yet, but I'll know WHO I am when I get there.

Today on 100 Things: Next Year....

Smiley for the Day:

Carving the Thanksgiving Pizza

2005-11-29T11:45:00.000-05:00

We spent half an hour fighting over what type of pizza to make. I wanted veggie and he wanted meat. We finally resorted to a game of rock, paper, scissors. I won. Sweet victory! It would be veggie pizza for Thanksgiving dinner. In our hurried grocery shopping the night before, we had forgotten to pick up the mozzarella. So, we ended up having a cheeseless pizza for Thanksgiving. It tasted awful, but we were thankful we at least had each other.

Fortunately, none of that really happened. After hearing our parents had deserted us for Thanksgiving, we received several invites for dinner. My brother and I ended up going to my uncle's house where we ate until it hurt. Then we ate some more. As I was rolling around on the couch in pain, I thought, "Why did I do this to myself?" I'll tell you why. Because Thanksgiving only comes around once a year. That gives me 364 days to forget this pain. So after my breathing regulated and I could sit up straight again, I ate a piece of pie. **blushes** I knew I shouldn't eat another thing. I knew it! And I paid dearly on the two hour drive home. Gluttony at its worse. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Well, my birthday sucked for many, many reasons. Rather than recount the whole horror, I'll just show you a picture. After all, a picture is worth a thousand words.

Sleep...must...get...some...sleeeeeep

This weekend more than made up for it: I learned how to play the best drinking game ever, went to see a reggae band,

showed these guys how to dance,

spent QT with old and new friends,

and even got in some hiking.

And, as much as my Dad will deny he's grown fond of Trek, I couldn't help but notice he didn't bring back anything for his children (the very children he deserted on the biggest family holiday of the year), yet....

couldn't wait to give Trek his gift.

Well, the last three weeks of the semester are on my shoulders. As a result, I cannot vouch for the quality or quantity of my blogging until the semester is over. I hope everyone had a great holiday and thank you for the many happy birthday wishes!

Today on 100 Things: Mental Health

Smiley for the Day:

Dead or Dying

2005-11-22T13:29:00.000-05:00

**After getting a few hours of sleep, this post has changed**

Yesterday was my 25th birthday. Unfortunately, I was unable to enjoy it due to other responsibilities - that I will blog about later. I did receive lots of phone calls and e-mails from friends and family. Thank you!!! I know I'm loved and my life really isn't so horrible. Sorry to anyone who read the post written earlier by my sleep-deprived, emotionally-drained ass. I feel better now.

Smiley for the Day: :] (once again, the site is down, this is getting irritating...)

As with 100 Things, posting is on hold until after Thanksgiving weekend. I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday!

Insert Title Here

2005-11-18T13:52:00.000-05:00

Last night Stephanie and I hit the town. It was quite an adventure - as always. The night started at the Engineers Club. I wish I could have photographed some of the expressions on our face. Here we are, artistic and sporty, at a Mansion full of stuffy business men and women. It was like putting two parrots in a room full of crows - we just didn't belong. But hey, the event was given by the Baltimore Foodies, and we came for the free food. And free food we got - about three plates each! After a failed attempt to find anyone who looked interesting enough to talk to, we headed out. But not before some hilarious moments (not really blog worthy, more had to be there) and this photo:

Cheese! Originally uploaded by CrazyB.

The next stop was a party given by The Urban Adventure Company. A time to be with "our people" as Stephanie put it. LMAO. Not five minutes after walking in the door, Stephanie won a backpack full of goodies. Lucky bitch ;) I tell ya, I never win anything! Unless of course you count that itunes gift certificate I don't know how to use. Moving on... After scoping out the latest gear for the season, drinking a couple of glasses of wine, listening to some good music, and eating more free food - we left.

I would love to say the night ended there. But nooooooooooo, I just can't seem to get enough of the cops this week. After talking over tea, I left Stephanie's house. I had parked in the alley right outside her door. We've seen people do it before and didn't think it would be a problem. Well, with my glorious luck, it WAS a problem. Baltimore City's finest wrote me a $77 parking ticket. Damn. To make matters worse, he pulled me over a few blocks later because he'd given me the wrong copy of the ticket. Dumb ass. However, the dumb ass cop was nice. He felt bad about giving me the ticket... blah, blah... He had already started writing the ticket, there was nothing he could do... blah, blah, blah... An ambulance wouldn't be able to get through if need be... blah, blah, blah, blah. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Whatever, I don't need your pity, when I can't afford to buy that last textbook next semester - I know who to blame. Jerk.

Well, this morning I awoke to this lovely delivery:

Who did it? Originally uploaded by CrazyB.

The flowers are beautiful, but who sent them? I know I should be all girly and romantic, but that is just not me. Who sent them and why? I'm irritated. Just so you know, this is not the way to my heart. This is a way to irritate the hell out of me, and no, that is NOT good.

Well, I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend.

Today on 100 Things: Touch. Smiley for the Day:

I am sooooooooooooooo tired!

2005-11-16T14:25:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, I'm a little late with the weekend update. Maybe it's because there isn't much to tell. Cold weather, tuition, and end of semester schoolwork has really made my weekends pretty lame. That and I'm getting old. Let's see...I worked, had a few beers, got pulled over, and celebrated my Dad's birthday. Fun times.

I worked ALL WEEKEND because my tuition is still refusing to pay itself and I "made too much money" last year to qualify for financial aid. I feel the need to say this over and over again in case you forgot how fucked up higher education in America is. Moving on....

I was pulled over for speeding on the back roads. Unbelievable! I take those back roads nearly everyday and not once have I ever seen a cop. But let my exhausted ass drive home after a few drinks and all hell breaks loose. (Now, before you lecture me on drinking and driving let me inform you I had two beers and was at the bar for several hours. I was in no shape or form drunk. I like to party, but I don't feel the need to kill people on the way home. Back to the story...) So I get the standard license and registration. He smells alcohol on my breath and asks me how much I've had to drink. I'm honest and tell him about 22oz. of beer. He doesn't sound convinced and asks me to get out of the car. I'm yelling all kinds of profanity in my head but on the outside I'm cheerful and cooperative. I turn off the engine and walk to the back of the car. He makes me walk the line - I pass. He has me follow a pen with my eyes - I think this test was inconclusive. You tell me how I was supposed to follow his pen point when I have his headlights, spotlight, AND got damn Maglite shining in my face - I couldn't see much of anything! So he gives me the breathalizer test. WTF?! Couldn't we have saved me the roadside embarrassment and just done this to begin with?!! Asshole. After taking the test he asks me to get back in the car. He comes back with a warning for speeding. I HAD plans to hit another bar with friends but Mr. Asshole Officer took care of that urge. So I put on my favorite flannel pajamas with my leopard print slippers and went and hung out a friend's house. Happy Saturday!!

Sunday was my dad's 53rd birthday. He didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. So we rented movies and ate cake and ice cream. I then bribed him to take Trek on his late night walk while I drove my brother and his roommate back to college. I'm such a good daughter ;)

That's all folks. So click here and head on over to 100 Things to take my underwear challenge! You know you want to.

Smiley for the Day: :) (sorry the site is down)

100 Days

2005-11-14T14:21:00.000-05:00

I started another blog. I have three inspirations:

43 Things. I've had "identify 100 things that make me happy (besides money)" on my list FOREVER. I haven't listed a single thing - not one. Sad really.
You people and your tags and forwards. I've posted TWICE on how I dislike tags or forwards that require me to answer a bunch of questions. Not only that, but I never respond to them. Believe it or not, I STILL get tagged and e-mailed (although with much less frequency). This very blog is all about me. I don't talk about politics, the human condition, religion - just me, myself and I. I even did a Q&A session! What else could you possible want to know about me?!! I just don't get it.
New templates in blogland. It took me a long time to customize this blogger template. Now I look around blogland and see that people go to other sites for entirely different templates! Quite frankly, I'm jealous but too damn lazy to do anything about. Besides, although the template is boring, I like the colors, fonts, and sidebar here. Do I really want to go through all the work to re-create that? Not so much.

Soooooo. . . . to complete my goal on 43 Things, appease people that cannot seem to learn enough about me, and get a new look without much effort - I have created a new blog. I will post on it everyday, for the next 100 days. The entries may be one word, they may be one page. They may be deep, they may be surface. They may be funny, they may be serious. They may be . . . I think you should have the point by now. Posting begins tomorrow. To visit, just say "Brea, Brea" or click here.

Comic

2005-11-14T13:13:00.000-05:00

This was in this week's Sunday paper. Enjoy!

Click on the image for a larger view.
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Inquiring Minds

2005-11-12T11:25:00.000-05:00

Yes, Yoni and I had "the talk" last Sunday. But as Georgia Peach already figured out, we saw each other a week before - Halloween night. I know what happened and I know what was said. That is all I have to say to those who have been asking how things went. I've never been one to divulge details of my personal relationships - just the thoughts and feelings that result from them. And since my thoughts/feelings have shut down, I'll let Ani sing for me:

providence
who knew
at this party that
i would walk in and i'd see you
i guess now
we could just get drunk
yeah, and that could be our excuse
you could slip
and outta nowhere
i could be there to catch your fall
and we could laugh
at ourselves
and the writing that's on the wall

it's a narrow margin
just room enough for regret
in the inch and a half between
hey, how ya been?
and
can i kiss you yet?
so we talk like
nervous neighbors over a tall fence
true love
but for the lack of providence

but i just got one more
thing to tell you
cuz words are vitamins
and life is short
and i know when we get up
to the front office
we're gonna have to fill out
a full report
the first question will be
what were you thinking?
and the next question will be
what did you say?
and then they're gonna check to see
if the answers to one and two
matched up much
along the way

in the interest of poetry
and the cowboy movie
that's you and me
i'm back on the horse now
and i am riding
i am striding so effortlessly
what i mean is
it's late
much too late for us
and i'm fixing to go home
with just my conscience
and a bitter sense of irony
as my chaperone

-Ani DiFranco

Thanks for your concern, I'm on the road to healing - just a couple of bumps and potholes along the way...

Happy Thanksgiving?

2005-11-09T14:53:00.000-05:00

The ever evolving Thanksgiving...

0-13 Thanksgiving was a huge family gathering at my grandparents home. My grandfather prepared the entire meal with the exception of my grandmother's famous rolls. There were three rooms full of people and food. After dinner, my grandfather and uncles would have a jam session until the wee hours of the morning. My Dad was the only one who never learned to play a musical instrument, so he would sing. My cousins, brother, and I would dance and sing along until exhaustion left us passed out on the couch. Thanksgiving is one of my fondest childhood memories. When my grandfather passed away, it was evident he was the glue holding our family together. After his passing, there were no more cookouts or big dinners - large family gatherings just stopped.
14-17 Thanksgiving became the perfect time for our annual family vacation. On any given Thanksgiving, we would be somewhere different in the world. Each trip was always a surprise and each trip my parents went all out.
18-20 Once I started college, I could no longer go on a two week family vacation - I had to be in school. So, our tradition changed yet again. Now the holiday was spent at home. My mom would prepare dinner and each year a different family friend or neighbor would join us.
21 I spent both my birthday and Thanksgiving in the hospital with liver failure. I was pretty depressed, thinking I'd have to spend the holiday alone. To my relief, the nursing staff extended visiting hours and opened up the cafeteria just for us. My Mom transported the entire dinner, fixings and all. Thanksgiving was spent in the cafeteria with my parents, brother, and Yoni.
22-24 Thanksgiving became a holiday spent as a blended family. After dating Yoni for a couple of years, naturally our parents wanted to meet each other. My Mom extended an invitation for his family to join us for Thanksgiving dinner. I remember how nervous Yoni and I were: his parents are VERY Jewish and my parents are VERY Christian and then there were the glaring cultural and racial differences. We had visions of a religious debate amongst flying sweet potatoes. But nothing could have been further from the truth - they got along famously. Each year the Thanksgiving table became filled with more laughter, more food, and more love. Thanksgiving became a gathering of our blended family, with collard greens sitting right next to baba ganoush.

By the time Thanksgiving rolls around this year, I will be 25. Scary. I've been curious to see what our Thanksgiving would look like this year. Yoni and I are no longer together. However, our parents are still great friends and go out together several times a month. Would we have dinner with a two ton elephant in the room? Would we revert to the Thanksgiving we had before his family? Neither, my parents are skipping town. They are taking a vacation - without us. That's right, my brother and I will be fending for ourselves this Thanksgiving. WTF?! Whatever happened to family togetherness? I look forward to this holiday each year. What is better than eating all your favorite foods (Soul food or Israeli food) all on one plate? What is better than seeing the look of agony on the face of the sucker dumb enough to take my Dad on in an eating contest? What is better than having dinner, together, with my family? Apparently, a vacation is. Think of us and our pizza as you carve the turkey this Thanksgiving.

On a lighter note, I hear the Friday after Thanksgiving is a huge party day. Perhaps we will take advantage of having a big empty house at our disposal...

In my own reality

2005-11-06T19:03:00.000-05:00

Payback is a bitch. Friday night all I wanted to do was sleep. I was in bed before midnight, a very rare occurrence. At 3am I received a drunken phone call. I can't complain, I did my share last weekend. I would, however, like to point out that my calls were made on a Saturday night, Halloween weekend might I add, and they were all before 1am. This, on the other hand, was just some random Friday night. Okay, I just wanted to point that out - moving on... After entertaining the caller I crawled back into bed, but couldn't sleep. Then I started thinking - and no, I didn't hurt myself. I was thinking how we all have our own reality. With every human connection, there are two or more sides. Two people experience the same conversation, share the same moment in time, and yet come away from the experience with something different. Sometimes the difference is slight and sometimes there is a complete disconnect. And it was this disconnect that kept me awake Friday night.

This fall I have witnessed the end of two relationships: the bar guy and my best friend. I say witnessed because my reality is so completely different from theirs that I feel like I was never in the same relationship to begin with. How can two people in the same relationship have such disconnect? With the bar guy it may have been a matter of timing. I met him the same day I ended things with Yoni. I let the bar guy in, fast and hard. At the time I thought it was some awesome connection, and now I see I was probably filling a void. I never had to deal with being alone. It was also bad timing on his part; he was still going through the emotional strain of the dissolution of what sounded to be an emotionally abusive marriage. At times I was blamed for non-existent intentions and at others I was just plain disrespected. I'm sure his reality is much different - a total disconnect. With my best friend, it was a long time coming. She’s a “good girl”, raised in a stable Christian home, attending a private college, never experimenting much with the impure. Me - not so much. I had a dead beat father, was sexual molested and assaulted, raised by a bi-polar mother and a step-father who is an enabler of her illness, attended a large university and could make a career out of experimentation. In high school it was drugs and smoking, in college it was partying and drinking, and in young adulthood it was sexual exploration. I learned early on sharing these pieces of me would result in "scolding". It became a parent-child relationship where these parts of my life were not shared. Like my parents, I'm sure she was not naive to the fact these things were going on, but I didn’t talk about it. In my reality, I was avoiding the concern that would often come across as judgment. I was stuck in a pattern I started as a child. It sounds ridiculous, but I had been in the pattern for so long I didn’t really see how incredibly dishonest I was. But there came a point in our twelve years of friendship where I did see it. I knew “catching her up” on all she had missed would result in feelings of hurt and betrayal – rightfully so. So, I continued as was. But recently, as I have learned to accept my past, I grew tired of being in a relationship where I didn’t feel comfortable being who I am – the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’m not an exception – many people travel down some dark roads before finding themselves. I didn’t want to have to constantly remind myself that "she is just concerned" when my gut was screaming judgment. So yes, the relationship was bound to fail. In her reality, I was dishonest and setting her up for the failure of our relationship. Dishonest? Yes. Set up? No. Again, disconnect. Fact is, I cared about her deeply. I would do anything for her and I know she would do the same. She was always there for me and I did my best to be there for her. She knew the big pieces of me, except for the rebellious piece. I thought somehow, we’d move past “don’t ask, don’t tell”. But I was naïve; that would never happen. That rebellious piece is just as important a part of me as all the rest. She would never be able to accept that. And so, twelve years of friendship ended. My only sadness is that in the end, she experienced the feelings of hurt and betrayal I wanted to protect her from. I can't change the past, but now we can both move on, and I am thankful for that.

Naturally, my Friday night thoughts moved to Yoni - the disconnect that broke my heart. I began analyzing the relationship. It is much easier to do now that I have been removed from it for some time - hindsight is 20/20. We were together for 5 years. Although that may not seem like a long time, it was. I was all of 19 when we became an official couple. In those five years we did a lot of growing and maturing - we went from college parties, to careers, to engagement. Now that we are faced with the question, “what do we do now?”, I don’t have a clue to its answer. It is hard to see what problems were matters of maturity and which were matters of the heart. It is all intertwined and picking it apart is damn near impossible. I ask myself many questions. Did I fight hard enough for our relationship? Have I already fought too much? Do people change? Do we try it again? Do we move on? Do I want someone or do I want him? Does the fact that I love him so much mean anything? What of our realities? Can we repair the disconnect? Well, tonight is the talk I have been waiting for. Unfortunately, time has not allowed for any organization of my thoughts or feelings. I think what I have now is an even bigger mess. From our brief conversations before, he is as confused as I am. In his words, “love was never a problem”. It shall be interesting...

Saturday was a bad day for Trek. He got into the neighbors garden. She has deer rope running around it. The ropes are designed for a larger animal, so Trek had no problem getting in by jumping clear over the ropes. The problem was when I called him to come home. He didn’t pay attention to the ropes as he answered my call and came bolting right through them. Well, as you have probably already guessed, the rope intended to keep deer out did a good job tearing up Trek’s front legs. After a thorough scrubbing, I tried bandaging the wounds, but he kept chewing them off. So, he’s stuck in an e-collar until the wounds heal.

Poor thing.

Sunday is usually my day to take Trek to the park, hiking, or swimming. Not this week.

We couldn't play fetch b/c the poor thing would probably break his neck trying to retrieve the ball.

We couldn't hike b/c the collar gets caught on brush.

We couldn't swim b/c of the risk of infection. It's not a good idea to let the bacteria in the water come in contact with open wounds.

So we settled on a long walk around the neighborhood.

Poor Trek.

Nothing eventful or crazy this weekend, just a sleepless night, a few drinks with people from work, an injured dog, tons of homework, and a conversation with my first love. Nothing out of the ordinary here - just another day in my reality.

Smiley for the Day:

"Dog Week"

2005-11-04T11:56:00.000-05:00

I meant to end last week's "Dog Week" with this post, but totally forgot. So here it is a week late. You're welcome.

Top 10 Pet Peeves Dogs Have About Humans

Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny!!
Yelling at me for barking ... It's how I TALK. I'M A DOG YOU IDIOT!!
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth.... you're just jealous.
Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

And...

If A Dog Were Your Teacher, you would learn stuff like...

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm and stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want is buried, dig until you find it.
And MOST of all...When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Have a great weekend!!!

Smiley for the Day:

There you have it:

2005-11-02T12:26:00.000-05:00

I was a bunny. I could detail the weekend, but I just don't feel like it. Let's just say...

I should not be allowed to carry a cell phone while drunk. Actually I take that back. I rarely make drunk phone calls (to my entire phonebook that is) and everyone found Saturday night entertaining, all thanks to me ;)
Bushes can jump out at you - watch out! Then, when it is done wrestling you, you end up with mulch in your hair.
Cute little bunnies don't booty dance.
Any costume consisting of a coverall, while cute, sucks when it's potty time.
Walking home from a bar takes FOREVER.
Holding up a 200lb. drunk guy is NOT fun. Especially when he keeps getting the idea that he can walk every few minutes and you have to help his drunk ass off the ground.
If you go to Fells on Halloween make sure you are already drunk b/c you'll spend most of the night looking for a parking space and waiting in line to get in a bar and then to use the bathroom.
Halloween should actually be called Slut-o-ween.
Partying four days in a row can be inexpensive. Pre-drink then go as a cute little bunny and drinks are free :)
Proper drinkware is suggested, otherwise you may lose track of how much alcohol you have ingested. That may result in your friend having to "put you to bed".
The hunting season joke gets REAL old REAL quick.

The photo doesn't capture my cute little cotton tail. Oh well, your loss ;)

All other weekend details shall remain classified information...

Smiley for the Day:

A little costume help?

2005-10-28T13:38:00.000-04:00

Yeah well, my breasts are still sore and after the workout I did yesterday, so is everything else. I also think I have aggravated an old track injury in my right knee. My goodness, are you supposed to fall apart at 24?

First was climbing with Neil. Unlike Brian, he has no mercy. His philosophy is: if you don't consistently attempt routes above your skill level, you'll never get any better. Now, I am all about challenging myself, but every route?! I could swear my legs were shaking at one point. I completed every route I tried, but it was NOT pretty. I ended up hitting my head on a pipe at the end of my last climb, a clear sign I had had enough. Neil yells after I already hit my head, "Watch out there is a pipe there!" Very funny.

After climbing, I met up with my brother and his roomie at the gym. They were lifting. I decided to get in the mix, with no thought to how I'd feel the next day. I should kick my own ass for that. Now, I can count the number of times I've been to the gym on one hand. I'd much rather get my exercise doing activities that cause knee injuries. **sigh** But I found the free weight workout challenging and enjoyable. Perhaps it was because my brother and I turned it into a competition. He with huge weights, me with.... 5lb. weights. **blushing** It was fun talking shit while we were doing sets together: "Why are you grimacing? What's the problem? That wasn't so hard." Oh, I was having fun! Then we moved on to the bench press. If free weights was entertaining, the bench press was damn near hilarious! I bench pressed the bar (hey that sucker weighs 45 lbs.). I only did one set because I couldn't stop laughing at myself. Here are all these huge guys bench pressing who knows how much weight, and here I am the only girl on that side of the gym, bench pressing the bar. My brother kept telling me to stop laughing before I hurt myself. I couldn't help it. The bar was swaying all over the place as I laughed through the entire set. I never thought the gym could be so fun! Good times.

After the gym, I went costume shopping with my brother and two of his friends. I'm doomed. My last minute antics have failed me again, there was nothing left. I was invited to two parties on Saturday and we are dressing up at the restaurant on Monday then heading out to Fells Point afterward. I am soooo screwed!! I could dress up like a "sexy fill-in-the-blank" like all the other "original costumes" females come up with this time of year. But I don't need a holiday as an excuse to dress like a slut. Besides, I wear short skirts all the time and don't feel the need to catch pneumonia by wearing one this time of year. I haven't dressed up for Halloween in years; I think I am getting too old for this! Besides, I'm just not creative when it comes to this type of thing. See? Doomed.

Yesterday, after dropping Trek at the groomer, I didn't feel like waiting for my car to be serviced. I ended up crawling back into bed. I got absolutely nothing done yesterday. So, guess what I'm doing today? That's right, cleaning WITH "my little helper":

He's already been such a big help...

The bandanna says it all!

I think I have come up with the solution for my costume dilemma. I'll just go late to the party after everyone has already consumed plenty of alcohol. Then, when I tell them I am dressed like a procrastinator, they will think it is pure genius. Sounds like a plan. However, I still need to come up with something for Monday...

I'm considering this a four-day weekend, those are always good:

Friday: clean, work, hit the bars
Saturday: REI attic sale, lunch with friends, party
Sunday: recover from alcohol poisoning, take Trek to the doggy beach, sit around and do nothing, possible late evening trip back to the bars
Monday: maybe go to class (I highly doubt it b/c I don't think anyone is going to show up), go to work (hopefully I will have a stroke of genius and come up with a costume, or someone will give me a good idea **hint, hint**), join the craziness in Fells Point (after plenty of drinks b/c it is going to be freeeeezing)

Well, I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend - I know I am!

Smiley for the Day:

The Usual

2005-10-27T00:54:00.000-04:00

Random shit in the life of me.

So, while I'm no longer anxious about my talk with Yoni, I still feel like I should figure out what I want before our talk. Last time he wanted to talk, he was trying to get me back. I'll quote from my June post as a refresher:

He talked the entire way [home]: he loves me, he misses me, he thinks about me everyday, he's changed, he realizes what I was trying to tell him, he'll never find anyone like me and on and on. I just let him talk. This was a complete 360. I had to pull teeth to get him to share his feelings when we were together and here he is talking for an hour straight! I wonder if my jaw was hanging open . . . I didn't say much at all. I told him I still care about him and that I miss him too and that was it. After all the energy I spent getting over our break-up, that's all I had to give.

Last time it took me by surprise - I'm not letting that happen again. I know what to expect, but what do I want? Hell if I know. Didn't have it figured out then, don't have it figured out now. Perhaps I should make a pros and cons list or something...

And now for a little TMI: my breasts hurt. I haven't worn a bra in going on five days. I like to let my girls breathe every chance I get. I figured with the multiple layers I have been wearing, I didn't really need to wear a bra. I have a small chest too, I did all my breast development on the first day of puberty, I just don't understand the soreness. I guess even my little girls need support. Guess what I'm wearing tomorrow...

This week I am not going a single day without talking about Trek, so here goes. Today we went to the dog park. An older woman came in with 2 little Datsuns. I was so proud of Trek. They were constantly yapping and getting under his feet. I wanted to punt the little fuckers but he was so nice to them. Perhaps I could learn a lesson of tolerance from this? Nah.

These fall nights are getting damn chilly. I think the hand that was holding the leash tonight went numb for a minute. Perhaps it is time to bust out the winter gear. I'm not complaining though. It looks like the cold weather is driving business at the restaurant as everyone fattens up for the winter - I made bank again tonight. Whatever the reason, I'll take it - this tuition refuses to pay itself. Trust me, I already asked.

Ya know, I really need to learn how to go to bed at a decent hour. Especially since I have to get up early tomorrow to take care of my babies - Trek to the groomer, my car for scheduled maintenance. After dropping off the kids, I'll probably crawl back into bed although I should get some cleaning done - it is much easier without the pitter patter of big feet. We'll just have to see...

So today I was once again asked what has become a familiar question: why do you blog? Humph - I never have a good answer. It started as an emotional outlet. Now I think it is more of a daily journal, which serves as an outlet on an as needed basis. It is hard to explain to someone who doesn't blog. Why do you blog?

Smiley for the Day:

"B" is for Beautiful

2005-10-26T01:11:00.000-04:00

Yeah the cold rain has continued, but today was absolutely beautiful in my little corner of the world.

The morning was beautiful. I had no classes today so I slept in, made myself a fantastic breakfast (my favorite meal of the day), took a long hot shower, did laundry, played tug-o-war with Trek, and got a good start on a project that is due next week. By 2pm, I felt like I had already accomplished so much! Beautiful.

My commute to work was beautiful. I am so fortunate to be able to take the back roads to school and work. I travel down winding roads surrounded by trees, pass by farms, and cross over a reservoir - I am going to have to stop and take pictures one day. With the fall colors, the ride is absolutely breath taking. Beautiful.

Work was beautiful. My last table left me a $50 tip. He said I did a great job taking care of him and his "pain in the ass" friends. I didn't find them the slightest bit irritating, but I sure wasn't going to argue the tip. The rest of my tables were loving me tonight as well and I ended up making as much as I usually do on a Saturday night. That money will be well spent at the REI attic sale this weekend. I mean.... tuition, gas, insurance, savings... ;) Beautiful.

My ride home was beautiful. On my way home I spoke with Jess, Katie, Christina, Neil, Stephanie, and my brother. I was able to shoot the shit with Jess, Katie & Christina, wish Stephanie happy birthday, and make plans for Thursday with both my brother and Neil. Beautiful.

As Trek and I suited up for our late night walk in the rain, I couldn't help but laugh - our coats match. If I gave him to a farm, do you think they would put a raincoat on him? No, I think not. I stand by my decision to keep my dog - I just couldn't give him away to some farmer who would let my baby get wet.

Yeah, so I finally had to give up on trying to get Trek to pose for a picture!

And yes, I've already been told I take too many pics of my dog. Deal with it. In fact, here's another one:

This is my favorite pic of Trek & I - it was taken on our first day together. It's a scanned image, sorry about the quality. I adopted him at 8 months. He was supposed to stay that small. Look at those paws, I should have known better!! 45 lbs later, I wouldn't change a thing :0)

The capitol BEAUTIFUL goes to how I feel right now. I feel a great sense of relief. I don't have to deal with how the bar guy made me feel anymore, I'm at peace with how my talk with Yoni will go, I feel I am doing the right thing by keeping my dog, school is going great, and my friends are awesome. For the first time in a long time, I feel like everything is right in my little corner of the world. BEAUTIFUL.

Smiley for the Day:

About 45 minutes ago...

2005-10-25T00:54:00.000-04:00

. . . I was sitting in my room, listening to music, burning a candle, and enjoying the sound of the rain. Then Trek started whining for his late night walk. As we walked in the wind and the rain, I realized how cold and miserable it is outside. I tell ya, I love this dog. There is nothing else on this planet that can get me to walk 30 minutes out in this weather - nothing. Over the last couple of weeks, I have been considering giving away my dog. He is a big dog and I thought he might be happier on a farm with lots of property to explore. My life is busy and I'm always concerned that he is not receiving enough attention. But right now, I know his place is with me. Not a day goes by where I don't ensure he gets in a good romp. Our weekends are spent at the park or on a hiking trail. Also, he's EXTREMELY slow to warm up to new people, if at all - who knows if if he will ever truly attach to another owner. He trusts me to brush his teeth, clean his ears, and bathe him. When I'm on the computer, he does his best to lay his big ass across my lap. After getting my attention, he curls up under my feet. It seems like such a small thing, but this daily ritual is a big part of my life. Even our nightly walks are important to me. I couldn't sleep at night not sure he was warm and happy. So, Trek will not be living on a farm. He will spend the rest of his days with me. And so my late night walks in all the elements will continue...

This weekend wasn't terribly exciting, but it was nice. I spent a lot of time with the "girls", did some shopping, and ate some good food. Sunday night, Stephanie, her friend Patty and I made a traditional Malaysian dish. I have forgotten what it is called but all the preparation was worth it - yummy!

Here is a pic of all the garnishes. (Posted by Picasa)

I spoke with Yoni on Saturday. He finishes the project that has delayed our "talk" for so many weeks at the end of the month. So all my anxiety was for naught. There is still plenty of time for that come November. I have exactly a week to figure out what I need out of our "talk". It is times like this I wish life were scripted. Ah well...

I am completely and totally done with the bar guy. What a freakshow he turned out to be. Sad thing is, he doesn't see how incredibly disrespectful and inappropriate he was. Yuck! It's sad what it took for me to finally get him out of my life. I've known for well over a month he needed to be given the royal boot. Loneliness will make you do some crazy things - glad that is over. Dear God, please let me learn a lesson from all this.

Well, I'm tired and my tummy hurts (ate half a bag of cookies and a couple of donuts before the day was over, gluttony at its worst) - I'm off to bed. Night all!

Smiley for the Day:

Going in with my eyes closed.

2005-10-21T17:07:00.000-04:00

Closed because I'm tired as hell and I have no idea what the weekend holds.

Yesterday, I went to the climbing gym with my friend Brian. I was quite proud of myself; it had been months since my last climb and I was climbing 5.8 without a problem. The last route (5.9), however, kicked my ass. So that took care of any cockiness that might have been developing. My arms and abs are slightly sore but I'm not in nearly as much pain as expected. I want more. I want to conquer that 5.9 route. I want to get back the climbing skills I once had. Even before ever trying it, I had a love of the sport; I still do. Like any other activity I love, it is a part of who I am. In fact, I wrote one of my very first posts on it:

Climbing Through Life
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
I guess I like rock climbing because it is a true combination of mind and body. You have to plan your route before you begin a difficult climb. If you do all of your thinking on the wall, you will find yourself in a difficult, avoidable situation. Sure, you can muscle your way through a tough spot. However, if you do that too many times, you will be left with a fatigued body. A body that will not be available for one last climb three hours from now. A well-planned climb will reserve your energy for times when you must use raw strength to continue. Watching an expert climber, you see as much skill and grace as shown by any professional dancer. It is as though they are dancing up the wall. Why? They plan every move before it is taken. They concentrate on details such as hip position, foot placement, and grip on every hold as they climb. While I am by no means an expert, I understand the mechanics of a successful ascent and am vigilant as I climb. I just wish I'd remember to apply some of these lessons to my life beyond the wall . . .

Posted by Picasa

I wish the sport wasn't so time consuming and my schedule wasn't so jam packed. I wish....oh I could go on forever but that doesn't change anything does it? Unfortunately, the answer is a big fat NO. Moving on...

After climbing, was my weekly dinner date with my brother. As I walked to the car to meet him, I checked my cell for missed phone calls while I was at the gym. I missed a call from Yoni. He didn't leave a message. Was the call an accident? Was he calling to say hello? Did he call to tell me that he is ready for our talk this weekend? It took a couple of hours before I made the decision to call him back. There was no answer and so I left a message. How is it that he is always in control of my emotions? I take control for a while, but he always finds a way to take it back. And so I wait...

I had been invited earlier in the evening to go hang out with the guys from my backpacking group. After explaining that Thursday nights are always dinner with my brother, they extended the invite. So, my brother and I decided to forgo our weekly pig out session, grab a pizza & beer, and head over to my friend's place. We played drinking games. As I suck at most games, I ended up getting pretty lit. Good times, good times.

So now it is another cold, gloomy, rainy day in Maryland. Motivation is at an all time low. I have plans for tonight and tomorrow. But what will Sunday hold? Perhaps he will make me laugh. Perhaps he will make me cry. Perhaps the silence will continue. I'm going in with my eyes closed.

Smiley for the Day:

Zzzzzzzz

2005-10-19T12:53:00.000-04:00

Catching some zzzzz last night was hard work! I think anyone married to a snorer should be given a congressional medal or something. How do you do it? I couldn't even stand one night of it! I've spent many a night with this guy since June and not once did I have this problem. But last night, after I was already up until 2am doing homework, this guy sounded like a got damn train yard! Maybe I'm just grumpy when I'm tired but it took every ounce of my being not boot his ass off the bed! I tried shifting him on his side. He'd stop snoring and then I'd get to settling in. Then he'd shift and start snoring again! This went on for about twenty minutes all ending in the same result. Then I tried turning away from him with a pillow over my head to muffle the noise. Not only did it not help but I then noticed the bed shakes with each snore. Instead of using the pillow to then smother his ass, I decided to take it downstairs and sleep on the couch. I could still hear the snoring, so I went back upstairs and pulled the door shut. Ok, can I get some sleep now? Nope. Then I notice the loud ticking of the hallway clock and the chirping of the damn smoke detector (battery needs to be changed). I don't consider myself a light sleeper but I just couldn't get to sleep to save my life. I finally started to drift off and then the damn coo-coo clock goes off. Are you fucking kidding me?! I seriously contemplated sleeping in the basement or my car. Needless to say, I am tired and bitchy. I feel sorry for the fool that pisses me off today!

Smiley for the Day:

Blah, blah, blah

2005-10-18T13:18:00.000-04:00

Last week was weird. I was interviewed by Glamour magazine. Not for my fashion sense cuz we all know I have none. I was interviewed for my participation in 43 Things. Apparently, my list caught the eye of a reporter. That makes me laugh. I also won a $10 itunes certificate from a sweepstakes I entered at school a while back. I never win anything - ever. Also, my dad is showing an interest in my life all of sudden - humph? Weird.

The weather this weekend was gorgeous - too bad I was busy working my little butt off all weekend. My only chance to enjoy the sunshine was Saturday morning - I sat out on the deck. Well looks like a mosquito was enjoying the meal b/c my ankles are tore up! The highlight of my weekend was chocolate chip brownies - but even that was a disaster. I forgot to grease the bottom of the pan before baking them, so it turned out to be brownie crumbles. Um yeah, so the weekend sucked. I won't recount it lest I have to relive it as I type.

Is it really only Tuesday?! Yikes. Still looking for that fast forward button....

I am a bad Mommy. I still haven't taken Trek to the vet, nor have I set-up his grooming appointment. Just this weekend, I received a postcard from the vet reminding me he's due for a booster vaccine - that in addition to the e-mail reminder I already received and the reminder on my iPAQ. You would think by now I'd have taken care of it. Nope. See? Bad Mommy.

I'm glad everyone enjoyed my post of Ani DiFranco lyrics. I'm happy to have introduced her to those who have never heard her music before - she's an absolutely amazing artist. I wonder what music other folks are listening to. Do me a favor, in the comments section, leave me a couple of your favorite music artists. I want to check them out and make sure I'm not missing out on anything.

Ok, I'll stop wasting your time now. I tried to blog last night but the power went out just as I got started. Clearly, I don't really have the motivation now. I'll be back when I actually have something to say.

Smiley for the Day:

This one goes out to you

2005-10-12T23:33:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to share two Ani DiFranco songs with my female blogger buddies who have been feeling a bit of funk lately. I think there is a special bond between women, even if only through a computer screen. I think it is because we have all "been there". I just want to let you know you are not alone.

out of habit
the butter melts out of habit
the toast isn't even warm
the waitress and the man in the plaid shirt
play out a scene they've played
so many times before
i am watching the sun stumble home in the morning
from a bar on the east side of town
and the coffee is just water dressed in brown
beautiful but boring
he visited me yesterday
he noticed my fingers
and asked me if i would play
i didn't really care a lot
but i couldn't think of a reason why not
i said if you don't come any closer i don't mind if you stay
my thighs have been involved in many accidents
and now i can't get insured
and i don't need to be lured by you
my cunt is built like a wound that won't heal
and now you don't have to ask
because you know how i feel
you know how i feel

art is why i get up in the morning
but my definition ends there
and it doesn't seem fair
that i'm living for something i can't even define
there you are right there
in the meantime

i don't want to play for you anymore
show me what you can do
tell me what are you here for
i want my old friends
i want my old face
i want my old mind
fuck this time and place

the butter melts out of habit

thirty two flavors
squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and i have done well by their names
just the kindness i've lavished on strangers
is more than i can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so i would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
till i'd passed and left them alone

and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying past

i'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
i'm not saying that i'm a saint
i just don't want to live that way
no, i will never be a saint
but i will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

Perhaps you missed it

2005-10-12T13:59:00.000-04:00

I hate to be a party pooper; you all know how much I love to party. However, I don't do forwards and I don't do tags. In fact, if I did, the last two weeks would have been spent responding to them. Sorry, but you were warned! Besides, after that 3 questions post, what else could you possible need to know about me?! Better luck next year. Alright, now that we have this cleared up, I am going to run the errands I should have done on Monday.

Smiley for the Day:

Despite the rain...

2005-10-10T23:42:00.000-04:00

... I had an AWESOME weekend! I am seriously grinning from ear to ear just thinking about it! :D

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to catch up with Stephanie who was in town from Morocco and leaving for New England. It is terribly interesting to have such a well-traveled friend but getting face time is hard work! We are already planning through e-mail our next night of talking each other's ears off, peppered with good food and art projects. I can't wait!

After class, I went to visit my friend at her job Thursday evening. Our schedules have been clashing for two weeks now - so acting silly at her job was our time to do some catching up.

Christina & I. Good times.

Friday morning, I scrambled to pack for another backpacking trip. After my shower, I just threw everything in my pack and ran out the door. I then tormented myself thinking of anything I may have forgotten as I drove to meet with my group. Turns out, I remembered to bring everything except camera batteries - which explains why I have NO good pics from this weekend :( Fortunately, Brian brought his camera so I'll share those pics when I get a copy. That'll turn that frown upside down! :) I've always wanted to say that! **clears throat** Moving on....

This trip was to Shenandoah National Park. The terrain is much easier to hike but there are no campfires allowed. Given we'd be accompanied by a tropical storm all weekend - the terrain was going to suck and starting a campfire wasn't happening anyway. Such is life.

We hiked in Friday evening after stopping for mexican food and a box of wine. Yes, a box of wine. You can't backpack with any glass containers - inside the box is a bag which makes it easy to fit into the pack - with me now? We figured we needed something to raise our spirits out in the wet woods. And raise our spirits it did! :) Sunset blush by Franzia never tasted so good - in a Nalgene bottle nonetheless! We killed the entire bag the first night. As usual, everyone went to bed except for Brian, Neil, and I. We decided since we didn't have a campfire to shoot the shit around, we'd do some exploring. In our Franzia and So-Co (only shared by the last night crowd - hee hee) induced state, we thought we'd try to find the nearby waterfall....in the dark.....in the rain....having never been there before. Um yeah, so I'm sure you already figured out we never quite made it there. We did manage to pass by our campsite three or four times, raid the snacks, and fall asleep in the Crazy Creek chairs. Good times, good times. I blame it all on Brian's poor compass reading skills - all of it.

Saturday morning we woke up. Yup, still raining. The boys slept in hammocks. The tarps that came with them turned out not to be waterproof so they all woke up drenched. I was happy to have woken up in a dry tent - stupid boys ;) I realized the night before that I had left certain personal products in the van - stupid, stupid me. Fortunately, Brian and Catie agreed to hike back to the van with me to retrieve them. Thanks to the non-stop rain, the trails looked more like a creek bed than a trail. We found a crayfish scooting along right in the middle of the trail!!! Thanks to being "packless" we managed to make the hike back to the van in less than an hour. We were exhausted and wet, so we decided to rest in the van for a while. I locked myself in the trunk - long story. After Brian rescued me, I decided I'd take care of my personal needs while they were laying down in the van. There wasn't a car in sight since we had gotten there, and with the weather as it was, I didn't expect there would be any. Wouldn't you know the second I dropped my pants, five or six cars drove by!! Yeah, well I hope they enjoyed the view b/c it wasn't like I could do anything about it! After our short respite, we hiked back to camp. Yup, still raining. When we got back to camp we found the guys under the community tarp boiling water and the girls still in the tent. May have something to do with the fact one gender was smart enough to stay dry while the other . . . ok, this goes without saying ;) I cooked up some mean blueberry pancakes and then we decided what the day's plan would be. It was decided that since the rain wasn't likely to stop anytime soon, we'd leave camp set-up and just do some day hiking.

We hiked to the waterfall (the one we never found the night before). It was beautiful! The water was so powerful with all the rainfall. Unfortunately, with the battery situation, I didn't get a pic of the waterfall worth posting.

We all just sat in awe of the beauty of the place for at least half an hour.

Near the falls we found a bunch of cool caves too.

On the hike back for lunch, the spirits of the group started to get down. We were cold, wet, and the constant rain was beginning to drive everyone crazy. There was a lot of grumbling. I think everyone wanted to go home but was afraid to just come out and say it. We debated our options over lunch. I hate rain but I would have been pissed had the decision been made to leave - I had given up a lot to be there that weekend. To my relief, the rain finally stopped and the group decided to stay. We played a ferocious game of hackey sack. Not ferocious because we were any good, let me explain.... There were three rules: don't say sorry, don't serve yourself, and don't use your hands. Anyone caught breaking a rule gets pegged in the ass. I got caught on the "sorry rule" three times!

That's me up against the tree getting pegged in the ass by Joe - LOL!

We were packing some serious heat on all of our pitches, but thanks to all the layers it didn't hurt much. The game was a lot of fun and spirits were high again so we decided to get in some more hiking before nightfall. The hike involved:

some creative water crossings....

some bouldering....

and best of all - NO rain! Dinner was pizza bagels - yum! After much laughter, once again everyone went to bed except you-know-who. We decided to try to locate the waterfall again, this time with the help of recall. Along the way:

Both Brian and Neil are rock climbers so they did their share of climbing on things....

we found some cool salamanders on the trail....

and we encountered a friendly deer. We found the waterfall at night to be absolutely amazing. My camera had only enough juice to capture a pic of Brian after he climbed the falls:

Posted by Hello

I wasn't able to get any other good pics - bummer. After arriving back at camp, Brian and Neil decided not to brave the hammocks again. After opening the tent door, I found the smell to be quite offensive and didn't want to sleep there either. So, the three of us cleaned up the community tarp as much as possible (bread crumbs and anything that might attract bears) and slept out there. It was great. There was a cool breeze and it felt like we were sleeping out under the stars (the community tarp is huge, so we could look out from under it to see the stars with the benefit of cover in case it rained). The sky was perfectly clear and the stars shined brightly. I can't think of a better way to fall asleep.

I can't think of a worse sound to wake up to! At about 6am, I awoke with a startle after hearing a loud crack and crash resounding throughout the woods. Everyone woke up, disoriented by sleep and darkness, trying to figure out what had just happened. For a second, I thought a bear was coming for us, as we were sleeping right where all the meals were prepared. Other members of our group were panicked because they weren't sure where we were. They knew we had gone for a late night hike, but since they were sleeping when we returned, they had no idea we decided to sleep out. After everyone was reassured that everything was okay and everyone was accounted for, we decided to try to get some sleep until the sun decided to make an appearance.

In the daylight, we discovered that the sound we heard was a HUGE dead tree which had fallen. Had we not decided to move under the tarp, Brian may have been killed. The tree landed right where his head would have been had he slept in the hammock. We were all shaken up and it is still unbelievable even as I type this. It would have taken us hours to get him medical attention, given where we were and it being pitch black. Everything happens for a reason, right? Poor Brian couldn't even eat breakfast after seeing how close he had come to death. Wow, I can't even imagine. These trees are called widow makers. The park has many dead trees from a fire and a terrible ice storm. When setting up camp, it is important to look up to ensure none of these trees are nearby. The boys failed to check as they set up hammocks outside of the main camp. I don't think any of us will ever make that mistake ever again! Those trees aren't called widow makers for nothing! Crazy.

After packing everything up, we headed back to the van. The sun was shining and everyone was happy that we had decided to stay. Let me tell you, that hike back to the van was completely different with that pack on. "Does this hill ever end?!" Those steady inclines are a B-I-T-C-H.

What really made the weekend fantastic was that I got to know Neil and Brian really well. Brian, who is extremely outgoing, I had already gotten to know. Neil is more of a quiet type. I hadn't even noticed him until the last day of our last trip, when he said his first words to me. He piqued my interest and I was hoping to get to know him better this trip. Hope became reality and he seemed just as interested in getting to know me! He's big into outdoor activities and seems like such a great guy. He invited me on a trip he's doing with friends next weekend and asked me what my week looked like for getting together for some climbing. He wanted to know every outdoor activity I was into, and told me all about his. We spent our night hikes and the entire van ride home talking about all the trips that we should take and everything else under the sun. I am so excited to meet someone into the activities I like, who seems to be interested in getting to know me and not what I have in my pants. Woot-woot!! You ever meet someone and just KNOW that you have a lifelong friend? I'm bummed I can't go on the weekend trip with him, I have to work, but I have a feeling there will be plenty of other opportunities. God, I'm so excited I could just pop!

After returning from the trip, I stopped to see my brother because I hadn't seen him all week. We hung out for a while then I took out his braids and picked out his hair:

There he is looking like a young Don King!

We had a good laugh. The boy looked like "who-did-it-to-what", as my Dad would say. LOL! I gave him some pointers on his upcoming speech and headed home. Trek was excitied to see me and took to sniffing me and all my gear.

After a looooong hot shower, Sunday night was spent bar hopping with the girls. We helped ourselves to an unattended bar upstairs at one of the bars and sat and talked. I found myself gushing over Neil like a H.S. crush. But it is not a crush. I can't explain it, so I won't try. I had the same feeling when I met Stephanie. I connected with her so well, so fast - I just knew I had a lifelong friend. It has only happened a few times in my life, each time resulting in amazing relationships. Ever have an experience like that?

Smiley for the Day:

Just DON'T do it!

2005-10-07T01:02:00.000-04:00

Now I am going to try to gather my thoughts enough to answer my own question: what is the most important attribute you look for in a good relationship? I'm not sure there is a word for it in the english language, and if there is I am too lazy to try to think of it. The closest I could come is somewhere between comfort and security.

"When someone loves you, the way
they say your name is different.
You just know that your name
is safe in their mouth."
- Billy, age 4

In a relationship, I want to be able to share any and every thing and know that the other person feels safe enough to do the same with me. When they need someone, I want to be there and know they will do the same. That is the short answer. Now this is where I step up on my soap box. I have a lot of beef with a lot of relationships I've had. I'm happy to say I've spent the last year weeding out the bad ones - but the hurt and irritation is still there and I feel like venting. Consider yourself warned.

DON'T judge me. I have a lot of dark spots in my past and "fuck up" is my middle name - so I feel like I should be able to share all of it and not be judged. Nothing is worse than getting "that look". And if you don't know what look I'm talking about you are either really good, have had nothing but awesome relationships, or you are the one giving it. I am an adult - I waited 18 long years to make adult decisions - don't give me that fucking look. I hate it.
DON'T lecture me. There is a HUGE difference between voicing your opinion and lecturing. Professors lecture - parents lecture - clergy lecture -friends share opinions. I don't need someone to agree with every decision I make (how scary would that be?!). I like to hear other's opinions - they may bring up a point I missed or shed new light on a situation - I value that. Please, offer your opinion, but don't lecture me. I like conversations NOT lectures.
DON'T disappear when you enter a new relationship and then reappear when it breaks up. I can't even begin to count how many of these friendships I've been in. I can handle once maybe even twice - but three, four times?! He/she was more important then so why are you calling me now?
DON'T tell me you don't have time. I was working two jobs, going to school, taking care of a 93lb dog and planning a wedding at one point in my life - I still made time for all my friends. There are 720 hours in the average month - you can't spare any? I'm not going to be the one constantly calling to talk or offering an invitation somewhere. I'll do it for a time but I stopped playing chase in elementary school. If you aren't going to make the effort, guess what, neither am I. Don't give me excuses - I had a dead beat father, remember? I hate excuses.
DON'T expect a surface relationship because Brea don't play that. I have a strong personality and I like to have fun - people are drawn to that. But there is more to me than that crazy party girl you see at the bar or that kayaker you see on the water. If you want a relationship - take the time to get to know the other pieces of me. My other pieces may not be a heart stopping thrill ride, but they are worth getting to know. I'm a whole person, not just a piece of one.
DON'T disappear when I need you. I will call to check in on you. I want to know what is going on in your life. I want to share in your hopes, dreams, triumphs and failures. I want to be there for you when you need me. I answered every time you called me crying - every time. Can I get the same in return? Why am I supposed to be the strong one without any problems all the time?
DON'T let your baggage clutter our relationship. I understand you have been hurt in the past, I have too, explain to me again why I am getting blamed for your past? Honestly, if you are that hurt by your past relationships that you are letting it ruin your current ones, maybe you need some time alone or some counseling. I can respect that and I will be here for you if you need help working through it. But sorry, I will not be your scapegoat.
DON'T expect perfection. I am only human - I am going to make mistakes. I am never too proud to admit when I am wrong. And when you do something to hurt me, I may not let you know right away, but trust me I will let you know. Let's talk about it and move on.
DON'T disrespect me. Yes, I'm laid back and a lot of fun, but I am also deserving of the same respect you show your mother. That also means don't talk about me behind my back. Anything you have to say to me can be said to my face. I don't bite....hard. I will always treat you with respect - I expect the same.

Okay, I'm stepping down from the soap box. That is about all I can write this time of night. I'm thinking about all the crap I need to get done tomorrow so I better get to bed soon. After reading this post, you may think I sound like a complete bitch - I am - only becuase I'm sick of being everyone's doormat. Seems like you have to be a bitch to get what you want. Brea the bitch - has a nice ring to it :) Hope everyone has a fun weekend planned. If not - GET TO IT!!!.

Confession

2005-10-05T13:31:00.000-04:00

So much to do, so little energy - the story of my life. Honestly, I have so many little tasks to complete but I just don't feel like it. Part of the problem is I still have yet to trust certain vendors here in Bel Air. So everytime I need my oil changed, eyebrows waxed, or dog vaccinated - I drive to southern Maryland to have it done. Some things need to be done by a trusted professional. I'm sorry, but I just don't trust this town with the three most important things: my car, my dog, and my eyebrows (anyone who has had a bad eyebrow waxing will understand). Anyhoo, everything is PAST DUE and it is going to take me all day to get it all done. Guess I'll stop procrastinating and make appointments for Monday. **sigh**

This week is going by sooooooooooo sloooooow. I want it to be over already!

Well, anyway, I have been thinking a lot about relationships this week. My concept of a good relationship has really changed over the years, especially this last year. People have really suprised me and I have really suprised myself. One good thing about all relationships (good or bad) is that they reveal strengths and weaknesses in our own character. If you really think about it, all relationships are really a reflection of self. As you can tell, my thoughts aren't really together enough for a blog entry on the topic. I am, however, curious to know: what is the most important attribute you look for in a good relationship (friendship or other)?

I almost forgot, I have a confession to make. See.... Well, ummmm..... See what had happened was.... I LET TREK CHASE SQUIRRELS BEFORE RUNNING ON MONDAY SO THAT I COULD WIN! Okay - I feel better now.

Smiley for the Day:

Fast forward?

2005-10-04T23:21:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wish I had a fast forward button:

Heartache . . . . Fast forward
Uncertainty . . . . Fast forward
Disappointment . . . . Fast forward

Loneliness . . . . Fast forward
Exhaustion . . . . Fast forward
Confusion . . . . Fast forward

Well, life doesn't come with a fast forward button. I know by now that I am going to feel the bad times just as deeply as the good ones. What makes it a little easier is to know that I am not alone. It is easier still knowing someone has gone through the exact same thing and they made it through. You've gone through shit, and if you are not going through shit right now, you will. That's life. Everyone has problems - everyone. What makes people unique is how they choose to handle their problems.

Some people are martyrs. They carry the same load throughout life. They will drag the same baggage, year after year, in and out of new relationships. To them, their life is horrible and they find comfort in getting sympathy from others. If they are not hiding behind the baggage, it leaves them exposed. For them, letting go and dealing with the real problem is too uncomfortable.
Some people are in denial. They choose to ignore its existence. It is easier to pretend that it doesn’t hurt deep down. They choose to live their life on the surface.
Some people are selfless. They are so immersed in the problems of others that they don't make time for their own. It is easier for them to deal with someone else's problem than their own. Constantly helping others gives them a false sense of security. They refuse to admit that the constant neglect of self is slowly catching up with them.
Some people are selfish. They are so far up their own ass that they never stop to help anyone else out. What is going on in their life is more important than anything else.
Some people are self-righteous. They have all the answers all the time. They have never made a mistake; it is always the fault of someone else. Every failed relationship and every failed endeavor is always someone else’s fault. They fail to see the pattern in their lives. Many of these people constantly tell others to carry life's load the way they do - because their way is the right way. They alienate others constantly but never see how their actions affect others.

Life is about learning – learning how to live. I think there is a time and place for all these things (with the exception of being self-righteous). Sometimes you need to be selfish, selfless, or even in denial. Of course I only touched the surface; there are many other big pieces of a person. The key is to find a good balance. When you find a piece dominating your life, you have to get it in check.

Although, I think I’m headed in the right direction, I still have a long way to go. So far I have learned one trick is to find someone or something to help lighten the load: good friends, fun activities, forms of expressions, a safe place, ect. I’ve also learned that some relationships have an expiration date. Choosing to ignore the expiration date can cause spoilage in other areas of your life. It is neither good or bad – it just is. When relationships or circumstances make the load heavier, you can't be afraid to pull over, rearrange the load and/or dump a few things. This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn.

I’m not sure where I was headed with this post – just some random thoughts in my head – as always.

Sweet victory!

2005-10-03T23:42:00.000-04:00

Guess who won today's running competition!

Yes, my effort to get back into shape has developed into a direct competition with my dog - SHUT UP.

Ramble, Ramble, Ramble

2005-09-30T14:01:00.000-04:00

Man, that Q&A session was fun but a lot of work! Perhaps it was because I decided to be an over-achiever and post photos with all my answers. My answers included everything from my failed first love to my favorite color.

Pop Quiz: What is my favorite color?

Just want to make sure you read at least some of it b/c that ish took a lot of time. Well anyway, those who chose to read it have learned a lot about me, scary as that is...

My brain is loosely connected and so it brings me to my next point:

Isn't she sexy?

I take my camera everywhere and it would be a hell of a lot easier if it were a wee bit smaller. That sexy piece of work is the solution to my problem. Since I'm living the life of a poor college student and my Dad doesn't read my blog, I am going to have to come up with creative ways to get it. Target: my birthday. That gives me nearly 2 months to get my point across. My first few ideas have been less than subtle: "Gee Dad, a $400 dollar gift certificate to Best Buy suuuure would be nice.", "I want a new camera and I think you should buy it for me.", "I am going to cry and whine until I get this camera - understood?". I'm going to have to work on this...

Today, I went to the MVA to renew my registration. I expected a two hour ordeal like every other trip to the MVA. I brought a backpack full of study materials to keep me busy. I'm not even half way through my first set of note cards when my number is called. I prepare myself for being told I just waited in the wrong line for twenty minutes. I was all ready to make a scene as I was handed a new number. Can you believe I waited in the correct line and my registration was renewed in less than five minutes? Talk about disappointment. What do you mean that's it? But I was all ready to take out my frustrations. I brought in all these study materials. Is nothing sacred anymore?! Now I have nothing to bitch about - thanks a lot MVA.

After the MVA was my chance to bitch: I went to my old job to pick up my last check. "Please don't quit, we can make things better for you." Whaaaat?! I've worked here since May and now that I quit in a furry of cuss words, you want to make things better for me?! Ok, let me think a minute . . . HELL NO! I quit! Ha ha ha ha! (same evil laugh as before) Actually, that wasn't a chance to bitch at all - that was a chance to gloat. The two are so easily confused...

Okay, this next one has no connection at all, but it has been on my mind so I thought I'd share. Inspired by my recent backpacking trip, I decided I need to get back into shape. In response, I have been working out every day this week. Well okay, maybe not every day. Yesterday, I went to a buffet with my brother instead. But hell, shoveling all that food in my face was workout enough. Then I went to a friend's house and threw back a few beers. As far as I'm concerned, opening those cans counts as a workout too. Anyhoo, back to my point (yes I have one): my dog is pissing me off! After running, I'm wheezing and crawling and this little fucker is jumping up and down trying to play! Did you not just run the same distance I did? What the hell is wrong with you?! THEN, he has the nerve to sit right next to me when we get back home.

Is it just me or is he mocking me?

That's what I thought - he IS mocking me. Just remember who fills your food bowl buddy...

Now, to my next loosely connected thought: I found a sparrow on my deck this morning. It just sat there, so I knew something was wrong. I picked it up but didn't find any obvious signs of injury. That is one lucky little bird because I hardly ever look before letting Trek out in the yard. I've had to bury my share of less fortunate birdies in the past. Well, this whole experience gave me another reason to hate Bel Air. I look in the yellow pages for a local wildlife refuge - there is none. So I call the humane society. They give me the number of a company that will charge me $100 to remove it. And exactly where are you removing it to? Let me get this straight, I give you $100 for you to remove and destroy a bird that my dog could take care of for free? Well they can kiss Trek's black and white ass - I'm often gullible but I'm not stupid! So I moved the bird to a bush out of Trek's reach. What if it were an endangered hawk that was injured? I'd have to pay 100 bucks for you to kill that too?! I bet if it were a cow or something they'd save it - I hate Bel Air.

Okay, clearly I should not be blogging right now. Have a good weekend all!

Smiley for the Day:

Q & A Session

2005-09-29T00:39:00.000-04:00

Yes, I ramble. But you still love me right?

Don Juan de Bubba asked:

First of all, are you really sleeping under the stars or do you have a tent? We used tarps, but you already know that by now. Unfortunately, there was too much cloud cover to see any stars all weekend anyway.
What can you tell us about the town you live in? I live in a small town that likes to front like it is big. I can tell you that I hate it and can't wait until graduation so I can move. I have been out of this town for six years and moving back wasn't something I took lightly. There is very little diversity: the people here tend to be the same color and one of two religions (catholic or protestant), there are very few ethnic places to eat or shop, a ton of land but not one decent park, more pickup trucks per capita than I care to admit, not one decent artsy shop...I could go on for days but I'll stop there. I rarely go out without seeing someone I know. You would think that is a good thing, but no, it isn't. The same fake people I went to H.S. with trying to get my phone number so we can "hang out". Blech. Please. I know people change but I'm not really interested in finding out. This town makes me cynical and bitter. I have no hope in meeting anyone or reconnecting with anyone worthwhile here. Finally, it takes 45 minutes or longer for me to get anywhere I like being.
Did you have a guide on your hike then, and how far did you go? Yes, the trip was guided. Dolly Sods was designated a wilderness in 1975. That basically means that nature is taking over - with poorly marked trails across rough terrain. It is easy to get lost and maps of the area are notoriously poor. We aren't quite sure how far we hiked. My guess is we covered at least 20 miles by the end of the trip. I think 10-12 of that was covered on Saturday alone.
Every time I hear about your outdoors experiences, I wonder what you would think about the Rockies and the Northwest. Have you ever been out here? The closest I've been is camping in Arizona, which was beautiful. I've passed over you many summers, visiting family in California. I definitely have plans to explore more after graduation - starting with a cross country drive.

Thanks for your questions Don Juan de Bubba!

Georgia Peach asked:

What is your ethnic background? I'm a mutt. I don't know much about my paternal side. My grandmother was overweight and had a very light complexion. I know nothing about my grandfather. All I know about my father is that he has a light complexion (slightly darker than my grandmother) and was very muscular well into his forties when I severed all contact with him. On my maternal side, things are all mixed up! My grandmother is half black, half Chinese. My grandfather is half black, half Native American. So, to put it simply, I'm a mutt. ;)
Why did you and your ex break-up? Wow. Many, many reasons. I think it came down to a constant devaluing of my feelings, consistently being made a last priority, and the lack of tenderness and seriousness I needed. We had crazy fun together, but anything deeper than that was often a problem. Not to say I was perfect - FAR from it. But after I accepted his proposal, our relationship changed. He was no longer the sweet thoughtful person I fell in love with, he stopped telling me I was beautiful, he stopped making time for me, and he made no effort to plan for our future. I was constantly being hurt, so I had to get out. I think there is more depth to me (and the type of relationship I wanted) than he could handle. I don't know if it was a matter of maturity or personality - either way, it was what it was.
What is your favorite color? Green.

Thanks for your questions Georgia Peach!

Hasan Mubarak asked:

If you went into the woods and a Bear asks you for a moonlit, fish BBQ date by the stream, would you go with it? Hell no - I'm terrified of any wild animal that gets too close. It could, however, leave the fish for me to eat by myself. :)
What proportion of the whole population of Maryland, USA is married? According to the CDC, in 2004 6.8 per 1,000 are married. Unfortunately, the last census was conducted in 2000 and the link to the population projections is down. My guess is somewhere around 36,000 people are married.

Thanks for your questions Hasan Mubarak!

Dee-Dee asked:

What keeps you up at night? The damn foxes sounding like cackling witches outside my window and then the barking from Trek that follows. When that chaos isn't going on, I over analyze mistakes I've made - sick really.
Where is your heart right now? Wish I knew - my heart has been all over the damn place! I wish it would settle down already...
Do you ever want to get married and have children? Absolutely. I am looking forward to a lifelong commitment and having a family. As soon as I'm done with school and settled in a career, I'm ready to start nesting! I want two boys.

Thanks for your questions Dee-Dee!

Rose asked:

Did your parents like your fiance'? Loved him. They honestly loved him as if he were their own son. In fact, my Dad has still not come to terms with the fact that we are not together anymore; he still has our pictures up on the mantle and in his office. He tells me all the time to give him another chance. Our parents still remain great friends, going to dinners and movies together quite often.
What did your brother say when you told him that you were through with your ex, was he happy because he thought he wasn't good enough for you anyway? Nope. Like my Dad, he wants us back together.
What would you say if he apologized and got on his knees and begged you to take him back? He did that already, six months after the initial break-up. We decided to hang out to test the waters, nothing serious. I just didn't see all the changing he claimed to have done and decided to end it again. We had four great years together - it was just the last year that wasn't good. I have no regrets - if anything - we need more time. Some days I think I could never be with him again and some days I want nothing more. When he gets back from his business trip he wants to "talk", I will always listen, so who knows? I'll keep you updated.

Thanks for your questions Rose!

Marz asked:

What type of music do you enjoy? I'll listen to pretty much anything other than country, rap, or hard rock. I prefer music you don't find on mainstream radio; music that tells a story or speaks to the human condition. My favorite artist is Ani DiFranco. I'm also loving Ozomatli, a group I discovered this summer.
What's your favourite movie of all time? The Emperor's New Groove. I can recite almost every line in that movie.
Starting right now, and in sequence, what are the first three animals that come up in your head? zebra, dog, cow (all are black & white in my mind's eye - interesting...)

Thanks for your questions Marz!

Brotha Buck asked:

What's the story behind that big hat you're wearing, although you do look cute in it. Ha - thanks! Well, it was a birthday dinner for my ex. The waiters sing a funny song and make the birthday boy wear the hat. I stole it from him. That photo is actually photoshopped b/c Yoni thought it would be funny to position his hand in a way that made it look like he was cupping my left breast. I didn't know what he had done until the pic was developed! I thought it was funny but didn't think it should be posted on my profile.
What is your least favorite novel and why? Hmmm. I can't think of a novel I didn't enjoy, I guess I don't read enough...
What happened with you and that bar guy? Oh boy. Well, I think it has developed into a physical relationship with little to no connection on any other level. I think I just want someone there which leaves me sick to my stomach and has done wonders for my self-esteem.

Thanks for your questions Brotha Buck!

Leesa asked:

Did you bring a roll of TP with you? I actually brought a travel pack of Huggies for "freshening up" before bed and first thing in the morning. The TP was provided by another group member.
If you see an article of clothing in the woods, do you think about the events that lead to the article of clothing being left in the woods? I see where you are going with this, but I am a HUGE believer in Leave No Trace Ethics - so it would probably just piss me off.
Did you come back with all of your articles of clothing? Yup.

Thanks for your questions Lessa!

ManNMotion asked:

If you could be doing anything, and I mean anything, with your life right now, what would it be? I would travel all over the U.S. and then hit many places around the world.
What things would you have to do to make #1 happen? I'd need lots of time & money - both is short supply :0/
So, what do you think? I think I should just give up on this whole education and independence thing - and catch me a rich man. But seriously, I plan on doing those things, it is just going to take patience.

Thanks for your questions ManNMotion!

Shirazi asked:

Who are you? (The answer needs what is not already in the blog) All the big pieces of me or on the blog, so here are some little ones: I am giving and committed to relationships to the point where it is often unhealthy. I can be somewhat of a perfectionist. I like to stay an outsider in new social situations until I have had adequate time to "people watch". Then I work to get to know those people who interest me. I am a social person who loves public speaking and leading/organizing groups.
How did you build such a functional sidebar on blogger? Blogger help, all the way.
How do you like your Coffee? Flavored with lots of cream - I prefer hazelnut.

Thanks for your questions Shirazi!

DIVA asked:

Aren't you afraid the bugs will eat you out there in the woods? I only encountered one spider (which I handled all by myself - a very proud moment in my life) and a cute catepillar. The first night I came home I woke up with two mosquito bites. What gives?
What's the thing that disappoints you the most about yourself? I think I internalize things too much and am too hard on myself.
Most sensual thought? Something outdoors with water - although I haven't worked out the details yet...

Thanks for your questions Diva!

Crude Clay asked:

Do u shave ure armpits? Everyday.
Ever fancied another lass? Nope - there are few women in this world I can stand to begin with.
Do u prefer to fart in private or public? Definitely in private.

Thanks for your questions Crude Clay!

Whew - that was a lot of work!!!

(All photos posted by Picasa )

Show & Tell

2005-09-27T12:21:00.000-04:00

An enthusiastic thank you to everyone who decided to participate in my 3 questions post. Man, you all didn't hold anything back, did you?! LOL!! I will do my best to answer them honestly and fully. Unfortunately, I have a paper to write - so it may be a day or two before I post the Q&A session. If you have yet to submit your questions, you still have time. In the meantime, I thought I'd share some of my favorite pictures from my trip this weekend. There are a lot so I hope you are exceedingly bored. (You can see the complete photo package on my flickr account)

I took this pic on our way to Dolly Sods. You'll only find a police sobriety checkpoint at 5:30pm in Western Maryland. We couldn't stop laughing which pissed the officer off a bit, "We take this very seriously!" "HA HA HA (*clears throat*). Yes, we understand." After we pulled away the laughter started all over again. I guess they get the party started early in these parts!

We hiked in after dark our first night. After dinner, we smoked stogies with our trip leader; the first time in 15 years he's had all the girls join in. He was quite taken and chuckled several times about it. I guess he didn't know who he was dealing with!!

I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I thought I would be brave & go alone. As I'm heading into the woods, I see a set of eyes glowing at me. It just stared at me and continued moving slowly. I could tell by its movement it was not a deer. I flipped the fuck out & woke up the whole camp as I ran back. Everyone thought it was funny - me not so much. The guys starting making farm animal noises. Bastards. After being escorted to the bathroom & everyone settled back in, a bear joined our camp. We all sat still and silent. Fortunately, our bear bags were properly hung and the bear gave up and left. Never a dull moment.

The group voted to use tarps instead of tents to reduce impact on the land and to save on weight.

There I am, sporting my school t-shirt, all ready for a day of backpacking.

One of many water crossings, which I suck royally at. The area is in desperate need of rain - most of the rocky area is normally covered in water.

A climbing detour had us all feeling like kids again!

From the top we found an awesome view of Monongahela National Forest.

Nothing like a camp fire & s'mores. I was always one of the last three to head to bed.

After a 6.5 hour difficult hike, Katie & I got up early in the morning to try to freeze the pain away. I'm kicking my ass to get into shape before the next trip. I don't EVER want to feel like that again. Fortunately, my suggestion of a massage competition worked well enough to soothe my shoulders the night before.

The group at the trail head just feet away from the van. You shouldn't have any trouble figuring out which one is me ;)

The trip was just what I needed. I feel a great sense of accomplishment and feel like everything is back in perspective. I hope to be in great shape by the next trip; both mentally and physically. I know I have a ways to go but I have already come so far. Alright, back to my paper...

Smiley for the Day:

Lions, Tigers, and Bears, Oh My!!!

2005-09-22T11:57:00.000-04:00

Ok, no lions . . . .

no tigers either. . . .

just bears.

I'm referring to my backpacking trip this weekend. Fortunately, you'll only find black bears here on the east coast. They are easily frightened by acting crazy and making lots of noise - the one thing I'm really good at :) Ah yes, tomorrow night, I'll be sleeping under the stars. Clearly, judging by my last post, I need the renewal that only time surrounded by nature can provide. With all the organizing and cleaning I've been doing the last few days, the timing couldn't have been better . I'll come back a new woman - I can't wait!!!

As I finish up things around the house and head out into the woods, I'll leave you with this fun activity I've seen around blogland:

Ask me 3 questions. Any 3, no matter how personal, private or random.
I have to answer them honestly. I have to answer them all.

**No anonymous posters on this one**

Be creative and have entertaining questions awaiting me when I get back! Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Smiley for the Day: