Inventory

I think it is important to take inventory in life every once in a while. By that I mean, take a look at who and what is important in life. It has been a long time since I've taken inventory. Recently I have just let life dictate things. I have done more existing than living. I wasn't in a very introspective mood at the start of the day. It is funny how things progressed. I decided to talk with my philosophy professor after class today. I've hated every second of every class. I was hoping he'd say something to help me get through the rest of the semester. He did. It turns out he has a lot more to offer than it seems. We must have talked over an hour. We talked about life in a way I have never talked about it before. It was like he knew me better in the first few minutes of our conversation than people I've known for years. Amazing. My mind was racing the whole way home. After class, I had dinner with an old friend from high school. I hadn't seen her in a couple of years. We spent dinner catching up. We talked about all the things that have happened in our lives since we last saw each other. But mostly, we talked about all the people that had walked in and out of our lives. A lot of people have walked out. I wonder if that is part of growing up. Sure I have people in my life. We go out to lunch, hit local bars, talk on the phone, and even take road trips together. There was a time I'd call these people friends. But nearly a year ago, I took inventory. There were too many people in my life taking more than they gave. Anyone could count on me to be there for them. But when I looked for a shoulder to lean on, there was scarcely anyone there. At that point, I decided not to put any energy into superficial relationships. At first it was a hard thing to do. I was so used to giving more than I received. Slowly, I began to expect more from others. I haven't looked back. Now when someone I don't consider a friend asks to go to lunch, we go to lunch. I just enjoy the meal. When we take a road trip, I enjoy the drive. And when they call to tell me all their problems, I still listen. But that's it. I'll just listen. Amazing. Dinner was really nice. It was fun to recall all the crazy stuff we did growing up. It was nice to hear she is doing well. I went for a drive after dinner. Nowhere to go; just needed to get out of the house. It was time for inventory. Not of who, but of WHAT is important in my life. I thought about how my actions have shaped my life thus far. And as always, I thought about my future. I think . . . Actually I KNOW my biggest problem is I spend way too much energy regretting the past and worrying over the future. By the time I get to living today, I'm spent. I've always known that about my self. I've just never done anything about it. Tonight was different. I thought about my actions today. I thought about my attitudes today. I thought about my feelings today. I didn’t like what I saw. That is not how I want to spend my life. It is time I stop letting things happen and start making things happen. I already know next year is going to be much different than all the others before. Not just because I am finishing school, getting married, or relocating. I feel like a cover has been lifted. For the first time I can really see me: she is beautiful. Amazing. Today I Feel: