What a night

I just had a wonderful evening. I couldn't have asked for more. I had a fabulous dinner with Yoni's family and friends from California. His Mom is an amazing cook and the conversation was great. The best part of the night was just snuggling with Yoni and talking. We haven't seen each other in 2 weeks! We talked about school, marriage, religion, family, and life. I am so blessed to have such an amazing person in my life. He always reminds me I need to fight for what I want in life. He reaffirmed all the feelings I had in my recent inventory. I have really been hurt a lot in my relationship with my Mom. Recently, I have felt she has been emotionally unavailable and this is a time in my life when I really need her. I have a lot going on in my life and I would like to be able to share it with her. I think mostly I miss her in planning my wedding. Most mothers are very involved in their daughter's wedding planning. I can't say the same. It hurts. All my married friends had highly involved and supportive mothers. I even wrote her an e-mail about all the planning I have done and asked her if and how she would like to get involved. No response. I've talked to her about it as well. She always turns the conversation into something else. My little brother even asked me how the planning was going. He actually sat down with me and went through my little wedding planner. I told him everything I'd been up to and the plans I have. He was really interested and excited for me and it meant a lot. There are other supportive peoplein my life who are all excited for me and have expressed interest in being involved in the planning. Don't get me wrong I am extremely grateful for them. But this is something you want your own mother to be involved in as well. No one else can take her place. You know? Yoni said I should tell my Mom how I am feeling. I am so used to trying to keep the peace in my relationship with my Mother and usually tip toe around emotional subjects. But he is right. I should be able to talk to her about it. She IS my mother after all. You only get married once. If she chooses not to be involved, then at least I would have tried. I just need to muster up the courage and talk to her about it. I guess I didn't realize how much it was affecting me until our conversation tonight. Like I said before it is time to stop letting life dictate things. It is time I fight for what I want in life. I am worth fighting for. I have a lot to work through. I'm going to do that from bed. It is 3am after all! Today I feel: joyful girl i do it for the joy it brings because i'm a joyful girl because the world owes me nothing and we owe each other the world i do it because it's the least i can do i do it because i learned it from you and i do it just because i want to because i want to everything i do is judged and they mostly get it wrong but oh well 'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged and the woman who lives there can tell the truth from the stuff that they say and she looks me in the eye and says would you prefer the easy way no, well o.k. then don't cry i wonder if everything i do i do instead of something i want to do more the question fills my head i know there's no grand plan here this is just the way it goes when everything else seems unclear i guess at least i know i do it for the joy it brings because i'm a joyful girl because the world owes me nothing and we owe each other the world i do it because it's the least i can do i do it because i learned it from you and i do it just because i want to because i want to -Ani DiFranco http://www.danah.org/Ani/