Expectations

Wow, it has been a while since I've written. Anything with any substance anyway. Too many -any's! I guess it's because I've been in a "good place" recently. I tend to write more when I'm upset or struggling with something. That's why I'm on here tonight. But before I go into that, I would just like to say I have the best dog ever. He is so cute right now! He's curled up inside the closet sleeping. Yes, his escape acts have caused stress many a morning and walking him in the cold isn't much fun either. But, in the last few months he has become so sensitive to my mood. When I'm sad, he sits beside me and gives me his paw, tries to be a lap dog, or just simply curls up under my feet. It is amazing the comfort you can find in the companionship of your dog. He's stayed by my side all night tonight. That isn't a typical occurrence for our first night in Bel Air. My family eats at all different times, so he's usually trying to get someone to share food all through the evening. Not tonight. He's followed me everywhere since I got home, constantly offering his paw and lying down beside me. It was almost as if he was saying, "I know you are hurting and the only thing I can do is be here for you". Why can't more people be like that? I guess that's what got me thinking about all the feelings I have been avoiding since last week. I've been so busy studying for exams that I haven't really had time to feel. I've just pushed all those feelings aside to focus on what needed to be done. I finished my last difficult exam for a while this evening, so I guess I'll stop my avoidance tactic. They say people need people. What people are they talking about?! In relationships I can always count on being used or disappointed. Every single time I let someone get close to me they use me for whatever it is they need and leave me to pick up the pieces. So, why is it that I stay in unhealthy relationships much longer than most people could stand? Why do I constantly let people take advantage of me? I'm 24 years old now, why did I let it happen again? My body is like a car. All you have to do is knock on the window and I'll let you in. I'm so glad to have someone next to me that I don't mind that you don't help with the maintenance or offer to pay for gas. I'll take you wherever you want to go and even let you pick the radio station, I'm just so glad to have someone in my passenger seat. When the radiator overheats, I'll walk alone to the gas station to get water while you wait in the car. I'll even bring you a soda and chips. Then one day, you get out. You no longer need a ride and there are nicer cars to drive. I never see the brick wall ahead of me. My body has been in so many accidents that I have wounds that have never healed. I seriously doubt they ever will. But if you are stranded and need a ride, chances are, I'll let you back in. But when the A/C breaks and it is hot outside, you get out again. Last year I ended so many of these "friendships". I kept only my true friends and the superficial friends that never lied about really caring, changing or wanting a close relationship. I blogged about it in "Inventory": . . . nearly a year ago, I took inventory. There were too many people in my life taking more than they gave. Anyone could count on me to be there for them. But when I looked for a shoulder to lean on, there was scarcely anyone there. At that point, I decided not to put any energy into superficial relationships. At first it was a hard thing to do. I was so used to giving more than I received. Slowly, I began to expect more from others. I thought what was left were only the people who really cared about me and who I could count on. Man was I wrong! Even recently, someone I considered one of my best friends held me in their arms sobbing and I just let them take whatever they wanted just to have them there. Now I am left once again feeling stupid and used. You may be thinking, disappointment is part of life, deal with it. Yeah, you are right. But have you been constantly disappointed by the most important people in your life since the age of four? Even from such important people as your parents, family, friends, and the person with whom you planned to spend the rest of your life? I think not. And if so, you can totally understand where I am coming from. I have come to expect disappointment from everyone: it has been the only constant in my life. My heart has hit zero. Instead of turning up the thermostat or adding logs to the furnace, I'm just going to get a bigger parka and let the temperature continue to drop. I don't know how to say no. I don't know how to walk away from pain, I only know how to run to it. I've learned that if I expect too much, or often anything at all, I'll just be disappointed. I am tired of hoping for something better. I am tired of fighting. Disappointment proves that expectations were mistaken. -Mason Cooley There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started out with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet which fails so regularly, as love. -Erich Fromm