Ever have one of those days?

First your alarm didn't go off and the day just progresses from there. We've all had one of those days. Well, I didn't awake yesterday to my alarm. It wasn't because it didn't go off - it was because I didn't set it. It was my day off and I awoke completely rested to a sun filled room. It was 9:30am and for once, the weatherman was right. In Baltimore, temperatures reached 85 degrees. The day was filled with sun complimented by a light breeze. Perfect. On a day like yesterday, Trek and I would spend the day hiking, swimming, or playing at the park. I'll never be able to share a day like that with Trek ever again. I don't say that because I feel sorry for myself, it is what it is - a dull sadness and a sharp dose of reality. But God sent someone that has helped me get over hurt and void in my life before. One evening while spending time with this friend, I was talking about Trek and how much I missed him. He said I could take Simon (his dog) to my house whenever I wanted. I paused for a moment. Many thoughts ran through my head: Sure Simon is a dog, but he isn't MY dog. Does he really think borrowing his for a day is going to help a void left by a four year companion? What if I do borrow his dog, will it bring back old hurt? On the other hand, perhaps I could benefit from spending time with another dog.... I thanked him for the offer and told him I'd think about it. Well, weeks later, I took him up on it. Yesterday was that day. I picked up Simon late morning, put together a day pack, and we were on our way. I decided to forgo a serious hike on our first day together and went with an all-day city excursion instead. We walked about two miles to a park near my house. After walking the perimeter, we cut through to sit by the pond and soak up the sun. After getting our fill of the park, we headed back home for lunch. I made a few phone calls while Simon rested. After about an hour, we headed back out, this time to a park right across the street from my house. I played frisbee with my roommates while Simon played with the fifteen other dogs at the park. On our walk home, I called my friend and left a message that I could bring Simon back whenever he'd be home. A few minutes later, my friend called to say in addition to Simon, bring a six pack of beer for he was making dinner for two. Now, that's a great day! It seems to nearly everyone else in my life, getting a new dog was the solution to getting over Trek. Fact is, I needed to grieve like any other loss. I did that. Unfortunately, my current lifestyle isn't conducive to raising a puppy or adopting a new rescue. But my lifestyle is perfect for borrowing a friend's dog on my days off to do all the things I used to do when I had a dog of my own. I thought of Trek fondly all day yesterday. I thought of how he would have reacted in certain situations and it made me happy. I thanked my friend for coming up with the idea and trusting me enough to take his dog all day. Even so, I don't think my friend will ever realize how much having Simon around meant to me. It meant the world.

2006 Reflection

In my last post I asked the question: What does the start of a new year mean to you? The answers I received were as diverse as the individuals who read this blog. Thank you for your responses. I've also asked myself the same question. To me, the start of the new year is a time for reflection and . . . Well, I have yet to figure out the next part if indeed there is one. I can tell you with certainty that the start of the new year is a time for reflection, that I am sure of. How often are we too busy to reflect on our own lives: our motives, actions, feelings, joys, and pains? Too often. I've been silent the last few months reflecting. Just reading over my New Years post from last year is evidence of how much I have grown in the last year. 2006 was an amazing year. Here are the highlights: January was spent recovering from the holiday madness. By February, I was ready to get out and meet new people. I took my first (and only) stab at internet dating. Although it wasn't a match made in heaven, I ended up making a really good friend. He introduced me to Rainbow and as a result, I drove across the U.S. in June to attend my first Rainbow Gathering. It is a week I will spend among "family" for the rest of my life. A week that reminds me of the things that I sometimes forget in my day to day: the awesome beauty of nature, the importance of community, and the strength of the human spirit. March was spent searching for a creative community. Unfortunately, I never found the group I was searching for. I did, however, explore parts of this city I hadn't before and in the process rediscovered my love for live music. I spent the remainder of the year attending as many live music events that time and money would allow. In April, I reconnected with an old high school friend. We have since had a great time getting to know each other all over again. Good, lifelong friends are hard to find. I can say with certainty this is one I won't lose touch with again. May began a great outdoor recreation season. I went kayaking and backpacking several times. I finally completed my gear collection with a Mountain Hardwear tent. Being the huge gear nerd that I am, this was a very exciting moment. June brought along Special Olympics Maryland Summer Games. I ran the track staging for the 8th consecutive year. I was once again fortunate enough to spend a weekend with the athletes, families, and coaches who inspire me every year. Also in June, I cut my hair. I’ve wanted to try a short hair cut for years. My ex-boyfriend hated the idea. Not wanting to hear his mouth, I never cut it. Then, one day this summer, I decided to forgo the normal trim and cut my hair. It was liberating and I absolutely love it! What do you think? When I got home and looked in the mirror at my new hair cut for the first time, I knew I had finally let go. Let go of a broken heart, hurt feelings, and a plaguing emptiness. I knew at that moment, I had completely healed from the relationship with my ex-boyfriend. Although I did some dating, I still had an emotional tie with my ex that wasn't allowing me to move on. It took much of the year to finally let go. But I finally did it!! In fact, new year's eve was spent throwing away old letters and gifts. I kept only the pictures. He played a significant and important role in my past. Now I can say with absolute certainty that he has no place in my future. It feels amazing to have that heaviness lifted from my head and heart. In fact, so much so, I let someone get close without reservation. For the first time, I let someone else into my life and home. It was scary, but I did it! And I'm not looking back. I was able to spend a lot of quality time with my family this year. Speaking of family, let's not forget that I caught this biggest fish on this years' fishing trip! Pop Quiz: Where has this suburb dwelling, outdoor loving girl always wanted to live? Any guesses on what great news is next? I moved downtown!!!! Yay! Everything finally fell into place at the end of the summer. My rent is super cheap, my house super cute and the location is super ideal. All together super. We live in an area of Baltimore City called Canton. I absolutely love it. It is one block to the water, two blocks to a park or fitness trail, walking distance to shopping and nightlife, and only steps away to the dog park . . . . . . . . Which brings me to one of the hardest decisions of my life: I surrendered Trek. Underlying health issues caused severe aggression and dramatic behavior changes - it was scary and unpredictable. He never showed any aggression toward me or my family, but my friends and strangers became a threat to him. We had several close calls and at 90+ lbs, I was afraid that he would harm someone. I did all I could do to try to resolve his behavior issues; I consulted vets and two animal behaviorists. At his final evaluation, the behaviorist said it was only a matter of time before he bit someone and if it were her dog, she would have him put down. It was a devastating blow and a dose of reality that took me weeks to swallow. The last straw was when he tried to attack a friend he had previously met and loved only weeks before. I could no longer keep him in good conscience. After taking him to the ASPCA, I cried for days. Often, I still tear up when I talk about him. Anyone who knows me knows how much I loved Trek and what a difficult decision it was. But I had to do the right thing. The rescue director said to me, "sometimes the wiring is wrong and there is nothing you did or could have done". She’s right, but the loss of Trek is still very painful. The first few days I came home looking for a dog that would never be there to greet me ever again. My daily routine changed drastically as I no longer had the responsibility of pet ownership. A responsibility I would give anything to have once again for a happy healthy Trek. He was my welcome home committee, my moving breathing dress up doll, my hiking partner, my four-legged wrecking crew, my Olympic swimmer, my comic relief, my running and walking partner, my heart, but most of all . . . . my friend. I miss you... I hate to conclude on such a sad note..... So on a brighter note, although not without challenges, this year was full of joy and new discoveries: I moved to a large city and discovered little things I never would have had I not made the move. Like the downtown farmers market, where I discovered there are many different types of honey - not just the one that comes in a little bear at the grocery store. I've also discovered that the Canton waterside park has a beautiful view at night. And, that Patterson Park has a pagoda with an awesome spiral staircase and an awesome view of the city. I competed in my first mud wrestling tournament, where my roommate and I kicked ass! I threw one of my best friends an awesome bachelorette party and participated in her wedding. I created a tradition of "Monday Night Dinner" with two of my best friends - a time of yummy food and girl talk before tackling the week ahead. I trained for and raced in my first 5K in years and placed in the top 19%. It motivated me to begin training for longer distances with the goal of completing a half marathon this year. I had an amazing theme party for my birthday. It was a true "fiesta" all the way down to the piñata attended by my closest friends. I spent Christmas on the first family vacation in years in beautiful West Palm Beach Florida. I have come so far, but there is so much further to go. Like I always say, life is about learning. Life is just one lesson after another. Sometimes you have to retake the same lesson over and over again. Then it happens. One day, your perspective and life experience comes together to teach you the lesson you have failed to understand so many times before. 2006 was full of lessons learned through many tears and much laughter. I am learning the power of silence and reflection. I am so thankful for the experiences and relationships that taught me so much this year. Here's to 2007!