I'm not quite ready . . .

. . . to blog about what has happened this week. I am still trying to figure things out. Excerpt from Letter to a John by Ani Di Franco: "we barely have time to react in this world let alone rehearse i don’t think that i am better than you but i don’t think that i’m worse so women learn to women men learn to be men i don’t blame it all on you but i don’t want to be your friend" Today I Feel:

sorry i am

i'm sorry i didn't sound more excited on the phone i'm sorry that after all these years i've left you feeling unrequited and alone, brought you to tears i guess i never loved you quite as well as the way you loved me i guess i'll never really be able to tell you how sorry i am and i don't know what it is about you i just know it's not what it was i don't know why red fades before blue it just does and i don't know what it is about me that i just can't keep still i keep thinking someday i will make this all up to you and maybe someday i will i guess i never loved you quite as well as the way you loved me i guess i'll never really be able to tell you how sorry i am sorry i am sorry i am sorry i am -Ani DiFranco Today I Feel:

I want to tell you . . .

. . . that my feelings are important, that my dreams are important, that I am important. I want to tell you that I am not to be discounted, used, or ignored. I want to tell you that I deserve to be treated better than this. I want to tell you that last place is not good enough. I want to tell you that I am sick of hearing excuses. I want to tell you that actions speak louder than words. I want to tell you that I will not put my life on hold for the hope that I will be important in time. I want to tell you that my feelings are to be valued. I want to tell you that when you say you will do something, I expect you to do it. I want to tell you not to make decisions that affect me without me. I want to tell you that my feelings matter and that you are to stop telling me that they don't. I want to tell you that I am tired. I want to tell you that I have had enough. I want to tell you that I am strong. I want to tell you that I love you, but from this point forward, I love myself so much more. Today I Feel:

Wow

So I come home from church to find that Yoni will have to serve for a year and a half. He has six months before he must leave for the service. So I'm here trying to figure out what that means for him, for me, and for us. You would think that I'd be used to having my life turned upside down; it has happened so many times before. I am not and that is something I never want to get used to. I feel like I have had more than my share of unfortunate events in my life. Many were a direct result of decisions I made, others not. I realize that this is not the time to feel sorry for myself. Now is the time to make some tough decisions and move on. Moving on has never been so difficult. Today I Feel:

One of the top two

Bride's Maids Dress at David's Bridal

Dress shopping!

Yesterday I went shopping for my wedding dress! Despite the fact my mother never did show up, I had a great time. My bestfriend and my fiancé's mother and sister went with me. We went to two different bridal salons: Macy's in Tyson's Corner and David's Bridal in Rockville. I fell in love with a dress at each store. They are both strapless, but the similaraities end there. We also found a dress for the bridesmaids. We will just have to wait and see what is going to happen with Yoni's military service. Tomorrow is the big day. . . . Today I Feel:

She's done it again!

That's right. Guess who? Apparently shopping for your only daughter's wedding dress is not important enough to cancel a weekly hair appointment for. Who knew? I am too jaded to be really upset about it. I decided some time ago that I would not let her affect me the way she had in the past. She tells me the night before that she is coming late after her hair appointment. Let's see - her appointment is at 9:30 in northern Harford County and my appointment is at 11:30 in Northern Virginia. Translation: she'll miss most of it. Sad thing is, I was under the impression that she would be there for me. What was I thinking? My best friend is driving all the way from PA to be there. But apparently, it is too much to ask a housewife to reschedule her hair appointment. Funny thing is, this weekend she showed signs of clarity, concern, and even empathy. She went to church with me, took me out to lunch, and hung out with me for a few hours. She noticed I have been down recently with everything that is going on and wanted to lend her support. I was in shock she had even noticed and I really enjoyed the time I spent with her. It was the first time in a long time I felt any emotional connection to her. Now this! If anyone can understand her, please clue me in. Because, after 24 years I still can't figure her out! Today I Feel:

Thank you God . . .

. . . for the sunshine and warmth of today. I was able to enjoy the outdoors and my spirit feels refreshed. Trek thanks you too ;0)

hell if i know

Completely and utterly confused. Frustrated. :·. .·:**sigh**:·. .·:

It is really sad . . .

. . . how some people never change. It used to piss me off when people called me out of the blue to tell me all their problems or because they needed something. But now, I just feel sorry for them. Deep down, they must be so empty inside. That is all I can figure to explain how incredibly selfish and shallow these people are. It is so ridiculous! Sad, really. I used to listen and be supportive. Then later I was upset at myself for letting them take advantage of me, again. But now I have stopped making it my problem. I am not a shallow or selfish person and I don’t have time for people that are. self·ish: concerned chiefly or only with oneself shal·low: lacking depth of intellect, emotion, or knowledge So that is exactly it, I don’t have time for it. I just don’t understand why the same few people keep coming back time after time. Their life must be pretty empty to continue to call a person they hardly know with all their problems. Sad. This excerpt from Ani DiFranco's Napoleon seemed fitting: you say that, so that's the way it's gonna be so that's what this is all about i think that that's the way it always was you chose not to notice until now oh now that, now that there's a problem you call me up to confide and you go on for over an hour about each one that took you for a ride and i guess that you dialed my number because you thought for sure that i'd agree i said baby, you know i still love you but how dare you complain to me! Today I Feel:

I Love You

I have a smile stretched from ear to ear to see you walking down the road we meet at the lights I stare for a while the world around disappears just you and me on this island of hope a breath between us could be miles let me surround you my sea to your shore let me be the calm you seek oh and every time I'm close to you there's too much I can't say and you just walk away and I forgot to tell you I love you and the night's too long and cold here without you I grieve in my condition for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so oh and every time I'm close to you there's too much I can't say and you just walk away and I forgot to tell you I love you and the night's too long and cold here without you -Sarah McLachlan Today I Feel: