Sunday, December 26, 2004

I'm not quite ready . . .

. . . to blog about what has happened this week. I am still trying to figure things out.

Excerpt from Letter to a John by Ani Di Franco:

"we barely have time to react in this world
let alone rehearse
i don’t think that i am better than you
but i don’t think that i’m worse
so women learn to women
men learn to be men
i don’t blame it all on you
but i don’t want to be your friend"

Today I Feel:

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

sorry i am

i'm sorry i didn't sound more excited on the phone
i'm sorry that after all these years
i've left you feeling unrequited and alone, brought you to tears
i guess i never loved you quite as well

as the way you loved me
i guess i'll never really be able to tell you how sorry
i am


and i don't know what it is about you
i just know it's not what it was
i don't know why red fades before blue it just does
and i don't know what it is about me
that i just can't keep still
i keep thinking someday i will make this all up to you
and maybe someday

i will

i guess i never loved you quite as well
as the way you loved me
i guess i'll never really be able to tell you how sorry i am
sorry i am
sorry i am
sorry i am


-Ani DiFranco

Today I Feel:

Sunday, December 19, 2004

I want to tell you . . .

. . . that my feelings are important, that my dreams are important, that I am important. I want to tell you that I am not to be discounted, used, or ignored. I want to tell you that I deserve to be treated better than this. I want to tell you that last place is not good enough. I want to tell you that I am sick of hearing excuses. I want to tell you that actions speak louder than words. I want to tell you that I will not put my life on hold for the hope that I will be important in time. I want to tell you that my feelings are to be valued. I want to tell you that when you say you will do something, I expect you to do it. I want to tell you not to make decisions that affect me without me. I want to tell you that my feelings matter and that you are to stop telling me that they don't. I want to tell you that I am tired. I want to tell you that I have had enough. I want to tell you that I am strong. I want to tell you that I love you, but from this point forward, I love myself so much more.
Today I Feel:

Wow

So I come home from church to find that Yoni will have to serve for a year and a half. He has six months before he must leave for the service. So I'm here trying to figure out what that means for him, for me, and for us.
You would think that I'd be used to having my life turned upside down; it has happened so many times before. I am not and that is something I never want to get used to. I feel like I have had more than my share of unfortunate events in my life. Many were a direct result of decisions I made, others not. I realize that this is not the time to feel sorry for myself. Now is the time to make some tough decisions and move on.
Moving on has never been so difficult.
Today I Feel:

Saturday, December 18, 2004


One of the top twoPosted by Hello

Bride's Maids Dress at David's Bridal Posted by Hello

Dress shopping!

Yesterday I went shopping for my wedding dress! Despite the fact my mother never did show up, I had a great time. My bestfriend and my fiancé's mother and sister went with me. We went to two different bridal salons: Macy's in Tyson's Corner and David's Bridal in Rockville. I fell in love with a dress at each store. They are both strapless, but the similaraities end there. We also found a dress for the bridesmaids. We will just have to wait and see what is going to happen with Yoni's military service. Tomorrow is the big day. . . .

Today I Feel:

Thursday, December 16, 2004

She's done it again!

That's right. Guess who? Apparently shopping for your only daughter's wedding dress is not important enough to cancel a weekly hair appointment for. Who knew? I am too jaded to be really upset about it. I decided some time ago that I would not let her affect me the way she had in the past. She tells me the night before that she is coming late after her hair appointment. Let's see - her appointment is at 9:30 in northern Harford County and my appointment is at 11:30 in Northern Virginia. Translation: she'll miss most of it. Sad thing is, I was under the impression that she would be there for me. What was I thinking? My best friend is driving all the way from PA to be there. But apparently, it is too much to ask a housewife to reschedule her hair appointment.


Funny thing is, this weekend she showed signs of clarity, concern, and even empathy. She went to church with me, took me out to lunch, and hung out with me for a few hours. She noticed I have been down recently with everything that is going on and wanted to lend her support. I was in shock she had even noticed and I really enjoyed the time I spent with her. It was the first time in a long time I felt any emotional connection to her. Now this! If anyone can understand her, please clue me in. Because, after 24 years I still can't figure her out!

Today I Feel:

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Thank you God . . .

. . . for the sunshine and warmth of today. I was able to enjoy the outdoors and my spirit feels refreshed. Trek thanks you too ;0)

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

hell if i know

Completely and utterly confused.


Frustrated.


:·. .·:**sigh**:·. .·:

Thursday, December 02, 2004

It is really sad . . .

. . . how some people never change. It used to piss me off when people called me out of the blue to tell me all their problems or because they needed something. But now, I just feel sorry for them. Deep down, they must be so empty inside. That is all I can figure to explain how incredibly selfish and shallow these people are. It is so ridiculous! Sad, really. I used to listen and be supportive. Then later I was upset at myself for letting them take advantage of me, again. But now I have stopped making it my problem. I am not a shallow or selfish person and I don’t have time for people that are.

self·ish: concerned chiefly or only with oneself
shal·low: lacking depth of intellect, emotion, or knowledge

So that is exactly it, I don’t have time for it. I just don’t understand why the same few people keep coming back time after time. Their life must be pretty empty to continue to call a person they hardly know with all their problems. Sad.

This excerpt from Ani DiFranco's Napoleon seemed fitting:
you say that, so that's the way it's gonna be
so that's what this is all about
i think that that's the way it always was
you chose not to notice until now
oh now that, now that there's a problem
you call me up to confide
and you go on for over an hour
about each one that took you for a ride
and i guess that you dialed my number
because you thought for sure that i'd agree
i said baby, you know i still love you
but how dare you complain to me!
Today I Feel:

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

I Love You

I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road

we meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around disappears

just you and me
on this island of hope
a breath between us could be miles

let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek

oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away

and I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away

and I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you

-Sarah McLachlan

Today I Feel: