What a big fucking mess!!

What started as a fun, playful relationship, has turned into something ugly. I'm coming unglued. I feel like I have no control over what is happening. I've never had trust issues, now I do. I've had more hurt feelings in the last few weeks than I've had in the last four years combined. My head is telling me that I am better than this - can't get the rest of me to agree. Trouble is, I have a hard time leaving relationships: ones that are take and no give, ones that are judgmental, ones that are hurtful, even ones I can't define. Life has become uncomfortably complicated - again. But this time I can not figure out why. Is it the ambiguity? Is it the past? What the hell is it?? Is it me? Am I that hard to understand? I'm tired. Very tired. I'm tired of this pattern. I feel like I have given all I have to give. Even a relationship I've had for over 10 years is falling apart - I just don't have the energy to put it back together. Why do I stay in unhealthy relationships longer than anyone else can stand? What is it about me that makes me stay when everyone else walks out? Why do I strive to meet everyone's needs with no concern for my own? When I do fight for myself, why do I always end up feeling like a big bitch? Why do I feel the need to deny big parts of myself to keep others comfortable? I hate me. Tonight I felt like revisiting a poem I wrote before I ended things with Yoni: for all the right reasons despite everything my chest continues to rise and fall despite you, despite me, despite us the sun continues to rise, continues to set and i continue to cry, alone. i spend so much time trying to understand how things have come to this lonely, unsettled place a place i can neither understand nor accept. there is so much confusion the colors have all blended into such a beautiful shade of grey yes, such a beautiful shade of grey. if my legs only had the strength to run from this raging of my heart, my mind, my soul if only i could just leave leave you, leave me, leave us if only letting go were an easy task, i would i would let go of all i have loved and all i hate. despite everything my chest continues to rise and fall despite you, despite me, despite us the sun continues to rise, continues to set such a beautiful shade of grey. Smiley for the Day: