Friday, January 27, 2006

Another day, another disappointment

So I paid my school bill yesterday. Worked my ass off all summer at a job I hated. Worked my ass off at my new job since fall. It wasn't enough.

So the family support my father begged me to move back home for is non-existent and my brother goes back to college this weekend.

So I spent $1,000 on my car last month. The check engine light came back on yesterday. Fuck.

So I have 12 saved voicemails. I don't have the time or energy to return any of the calls.

So we talked last week. He admitted he was dishonest - understatement of the century. I told him the hurt it caused. I haven't heard from him since. I moved for you. I put my education on hold for you. I loved you without reservation. I'm paying for it now. Don't give me the line you have been busy when you finally decide to call - when you think I have forgotten our conversations, my tears, my pain... I'm done.

So I've become listless.

wish i may
(listen to track here)

i am losing my love of adventure
i'm losing all respect
for me and myself tonight
i wonder what happens if i get to
the end of this tunnel
and there isn't a light
i've worn down the treads
on all of my tires
i've worn through the elbows
and the knees of my clothing
i am stumbling down
the gravel driveway of desire
trying not to wake up
my sleeping self-loathing

do you ever have that dream
where you open your mouth
and you try to scream
but you can't make a sound
that's every day starting now
that's every day starting now
don't tell me it's gonna be alright
you can't sell me on your optimism tonight
don't tell me it's gonna be alright
you can't sell me on your optimism tonight

it's a stiff competition
to see who can stay up later
the stars or the street lights
all they really want
is to be alone with the darkness
no more wish i may
no more wish i might
it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i got to suck it up and savor
the taste of my own behavior
i am spinning with longing
faster then a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel

i don't think i am strong enough
to do this much longer
god, i wish i was stronger
this song could never be long enough
to express every longing
god, i wish it was longer...

-Ani DiFranco

Today on 100 Things: Down in the Dumps

Heads Turned for: "Another day, another disappointment"

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:41 PM) : 

All you can hope for now is that it won't get any worser anymore...unfortunately doesn't always help - I know by myself. But what else is leftif not your hope?

 

Blogger Deb Sistrunk Nelson said ... (7:45 PM) : 

Tomorrow is a new day. You can always begin again. Don't look back. You have too many blessings waiting for you ahead. We care.

 

Blogger Edz said ... (10:45 PM) : 

Just like DCS said, Tomorrow is another day. It's also a new Year... It's never too late to do right. Just learn the lesson and move on.

 

Blogger Unknown said ... (9:10 AM) : 

Such is life, when things are running well it throws a brick wall on you when you least expect it. You just have to deal with it as best as you can, it will only make you stronger when you overcome.

 

Blogger Theresa said ... (12:47 PM) : 

I'm glad you know that you deserve to be treated better. You shouldn't have to wait for someone to respond to you, especially someone who claims to have loved you. You weren't wrong to have trusted him. He was wrong to have abused your trust.
Take care, sweet girl. It's uphill from here.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (1:17 PM) : 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through that type of situation, but I am glad that you got a tough head on your shoulders. Like a lot of the other commenters have said: tomorrow is another day. I hope things have looked up since then!

 

Blogger Friar Tuck said ... (2:16 PM) : 

I wish I could do something to help you feel better, but I dont think that is going to happen.

 

Blogger Fahd Mirza said ... (4:59 AM) : 

Friar, words are very powerful. They can heal and they can hurt.

Brea, there exists nothing like 'Wasted Sacrifice'. Every action has a reaction, and you will get the reward for your tears and pains.


Dont worry my sincere friend.

 

Blogger Drea Inspired said ... (10:12 AM) : 

I've been there with school and the car business...it works out.

The love thing, I can't relate. I would just say do what you need to to deal. You're in my thoughts.

 

Blogger Hasan Mubarak said ... (1:06 PM) : 

It was perfect to dump a guy that does not care about you...

There always are good times after bad ones. Hope for the best and get ready for reasons to celebrate...

 

Blogger Brea said ... (1:50 PM) : 

Everyone:
Thanks for your encouragement. You are awesome!!

 

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