Nice guys finish last

My friend said that tonight while we were talking on the phone. I wish that wasn't so true . . . I was reminiscing last night with a friend from College Park. We talked about all the crazy times we had together. Then we talked about two guys that walked into our lives at the wrong time. For me, it is still hard to believe I let him go. We met not long before I got involved with Yoni. He was the sweetest guy ever and sooooo cute! But I was too busy with my life to even notice him. I didn't realize he was interested until it was too late. *sigh* He'd often visit my dorm to hang out, invited me out on several occasions, and took care of me on nights I was too drunk to make it into bed. He never tried anything. Ever. That is just amazing to me. He genuinely cared about me and I hardly gave him the time of day. It wasn't intentional, I was just too blind to see; too stupid to notice. An intern at my job one summer told me he was going to law school with her. I think that is when it clicked. You know when you hear a name from your past and memories of them come racing back? I had that moment. I had it again just last night as I was talking with my friend. Out of all the people I've met in my life, few people evoke such vivid memories. Why didn't I see it? I don't believe in "it wasn't meant to be". You have to make things happen in life. I allowed a great opportunity to pass me by. Perhaps it WAS meant to be and I missed it. Then maybe I would have avoided staying in a relationship for nearly five years that was destined for failure. I'm done dwelling on it now. I have too many regrets already to add another to the list. Life sometimes gives you second chances. Who knows, maybe I'll get one. Smilely for the Day:

Quick post

I said good bye and didn't shed a tear. I feel strong and I feel free. And before I go to bed, I'd just like to say . . . FUCK YOU AND ALL YOUR EXCUSES! Luv, Brea

Real quick!

I just want to let you know that I am not dead. It's just that I had way too much fun this weekend and now I'm paying for it. I have midterms this week and am trying to do all the studying I should have done this weekend. Who needs sleep?? Well, next week is my spring break. Woot woot! I was hoping to get in some backpacking but Brea doesn't go outside when it's cold more than she has to. So unless the climate shifts, that isn't happening. Fortunately, I've managed to plan enough stuff to keep me busy. So, I don't think you'll see much of me here for another week or so. So, if you want to know what is going on with me, call or e-mail me (which so many people have done this week - thank you!). Okay, now that you know that I am not dead, back to cramming.... Smiley for the Day:

If you do not understand yourself,

you do not understand anybody else. -Nikki Giovanni Excerpt from "as is": you can't hide behind social graces cuz i don't buy it like everyone else and you can lie in my face of all places just don't lie to yourself what bugs me is that you believe what you're saying what bothers me is that you don't know how you feel what scares me is that while you're telling me stories you actually believe that they are real -Ani DiFranco

A Good Monday?

That just doesn't sound right! I was really disappointed with the Student Involvement Fair a few weeks back. I didn't really see any groups I could see myself joining. Oh well, I'll only be there for one more semester. So, during my break today, I did some searching online. I recently got a great deal on an Osprey Luna (in blue and saved over $100!) and have been eager to set up a trip to use it. I found a campus group that does backpacking and also one in the community. Hopefully I'll be backpacking by May! I've abandoned my half marathon effort. I'm instead training for 5K races and middle distance track events. I signed up for two road races and renewed my membership in a running club I used to belong to. The club has group runs, track meets and social events. I'm really looking forward to a scavenger hunt being held in DC during the blooming of the cherry blossoms. I'm also considering joining the Maryland Outdoor Club. Quite a productive hour! This evening is dedicated to homework. I can't get enough of this Ani DiFranco song today. Thought I'd share: school night she went over to his apartment clutching her decision and he said, did you come here to tell me goodbye? so she built a skyscraper of procrastination and then she leaned out the twenty-fifth floor window of her reply she felt like an actress just reading her lines when she finally said yes. it's really goodbye this time far below was the blacktop and the tiny toy cars and it all fell so fast and it all fell so far she said: you are a miracle but that is not all you are also a stiff drink and i am on call you are a party and i am a school night and i'm lookin' for my door key but you are my porch light and you'll never know, dear just how much i loved you you'll probably think this was just my big excuse but i stand committed to a love that came before you and the fact that i adore you is but one of my truths so i, i'm (here comes my favorite part) what of the mother whose house is in flames and both of her children are in their beds crying and she loves them both with the whole of her heart but she knows she can only carry one at a time? she's choking on the smoke of unthinkable choices and she is haunted by the voices of so many desires she's bent over from the business of begging forgiveness while frantically running around putting out fires but then what kind of scale compares the weight of two beauties the gravity of duties or the ground speed of joy? tell me what kind of gauge can quantify elation? what kind of equation could i possibly employ? and you'll never know, dear just how much i loved you you probably think this was just my big excuse but i stand committed to a love that came before you and the fact that i adore you is just one of my truths so i i'm goin' home to please the one i so love pleasing and i don't expect he'll have much sympathy for my grieving but i guess that this is the price that we pay for the privilege of living for even a day in a world with so many things worth believing in

Sad, sad weekend

That's right, no partying for me :0( My idea of going out despite my cold, didn't quite work. I had to give in and stay in bed all drugged up this weekend. I didn't even have the energy to drive home. Sad. Trek still managed to have a good weekend. I bought him new toys and a new bed. But I think the highlight was the dog park. Some dumb ass left the back gate open. So, early Sunday morning, Trek went swimming after Geese. There is nothing like the smell of wet dog in your car. The mud was an added touch. Wonderful. My Mom is back to her old tricks. Overreacting about every little thing, taking back stuff she just said, constantly complaining, and of course excessive shopping. Not the best environment to be in when you are sick and your weekend was ruined. Lovely. I think that is all the complaining I'll do for now. Smiley for the Day:

Gotta make this quick!

I have done enough procrastination for one night. Well, almost. When I'm done this, THEN it's enough. I still have a paper to finish, homework assignment to start and an exam to study for. Fun night ahead! I am having serious motivation problems as it is 8pm and I haven't even started. I'd like to thank the person who made me sick. I don't know who it was considering practically everyone at work and school is sick. But thank you whoever you are. I may be coughing up a lung, but I am still going out this weekend. There is nothing due next week and I have been working my ass off for two weeks straight. Watch out, it's party time! Smiley for the Day:

Expectations

Wow, it has been a while since I've written. Anything with any substance anyway. Too many -any's! I guess it's because I've been in a "good place" recently. I tend to write more when I'm upset or struggling with something. That's why I'm on here tonight. But before I go into that, I would just like to say I have the best dog ever. He is so cute right now! He's curled up inside the closet sleeping. Yes, his escape acts have caused stress many a morning and walking him in the cold isn't much fun either. But, in the last few months he has become so sensitive to my mood. When I'm sad, he sits beside me and gives me his paw, tries to be a lap dog, or just simply curls up under my feet. It is amazing the comfort you can find in the companionship of your dog. He's stayed by my side all night tonight. That isn't a typical occurrence for our first night in Bel Air. My family eats at all different times, so he's usually trying to get someone to share food all through the evening. Not tonight. He's followed me everywhere since I got home, constantly offering his paw and lying down beside me. It was almost as if he was saying, "I know you are hurting and the only thing I can do is be here for you". Why can't more people be like that? I guess that's what got me thinking about all the feelings I have been avoiding since last week. I've been so busy studying for exams that I haven't really had time to feel. I've just pushed all those feelings aside to focus on what needed to be done. I finished my last difficult exam for a while this evening, so I guess I'll stop my avoidance tactic. They say people need people. What people are they talking about?! In relationships I can always count on being used or disappointed. Every single time I let someone get close to me they use me for whatever it is they need and leave me to pick up the pieces. So, why is it that I stay in unhealthy relationships much longer than most people could stand? Why do I constantly let people take advantage of me? I'm 24 years old now, why did I let it happen again? My body is like a car. All you have to do is knock on the window and I'll let you in. I'm so glad to have someone next to me that I don't mind that you don't help with the maintenance or offer to pay for gas. I'll take you wherever you want to go and even let you pick the radio station, I'm just so glad to have someone in my passenger seat. When the radiator overheats, I'll walk alone to the gas station to get water while you wait in the car. I'll even bring you a soda and chips. Then one day, you get out. You no longer need a ride and there are nicer cars to drive. I never see the brick wall ahead of me. My body has been in so many accidents that I have wounds that have never healed. I seriously doubt they ever will. But if you are stranded and need a ride, chances are, I'll let you back in. But when the A/C breaks and it is hot outside, you get out again. Last year I ended so many of these "friendships". I kept only my true friends and the superficial friends that never lied about really caring, changing or wanting a close relationship. I blogged about it in "Inventory": . . . nearly a year ago, I took inventory. There were too many people in my life taking more than they gave. Anyone could count on me to be there for them. But when I looked for a shoulder to lean on, there was scarcely anyone there. At that point, I decided not to put any energy into superficial relationships. At first it was a hard thing to do. I was so used to giving more than I received. Slowly, I began to expect more from others. I thought what was left were only the people who really cared about me and who I could count on. Man was I wrong! Even recently, someone I considered one of my best friends held me in their arms sobbing and I just let them take whatever they wanted just to have them there. Now I am left once again feeling stupid and used. You may be thinking, disappointment is part of life, deal with it. Yeah, you are right. But have you been constantly disappointed by the most important people in your life since the age of four? Even from such important people as your parents, family, friends, and the person with whom you planned to spend the rest of your life? I think not. And if so, you can totally understand where I am coming from. I have come to expect disappointment from everyone: it has been the only constant in my life. My heart has hit zero. Instead of turning up the thermostat or adding logs to the furnace, I'm just going to get a bigger parka and let the temperature continue to drop. I don't know how to say no. I don't know how to walk away from pain, I only know how to run to it. I've learned that if I expect too much, or often anything at all, I'll just be disappointed. I am tired of hoping for something better. I am tired of fighting. Disappointment proves that expectations were mistaken. -Mason Cooley There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started out with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet which fails so regularly, as love. -Erich Fromm