Let the waiting begin!

Well, I had my interview today. I think it went well, but I have no clue to be honest. I was interviewed by two people in a coffee house. The interview was so casual, it is hard to tell how well I did. We spent a lot of the time talking about hiking, kayaking, and bouldering! Not sure what to think about that. They are looking to make a decision quickly - so I should know by the end of the week. As far as I know, I am competeing with 3 other applicants, maybe more. I'm thinking good thoughts! And now I wait . . . I went out to lunch with a friend today. I would just like to take a moment to thank the rain for waiting until we walked to the car to begin pouring. It was bad enough my hair was already completely wind blown before the interview - I got there WAY too early and sat out on the harbor. I won't complain too much, it was a beautiful morning and the breeze felt good, but still, this is my blog and I feel like complaining. Then there was the rain. There was absolutely no point in my curling my hair this morning. None. About my weekend. I told you about the bad part already but it was still a good weekend overall. Friday night I went out with friends to a local bar to hear my friend's band play. I had a nice buzz going did some dancing - good times. I seem to be attracting 30 somethings these days. For some reason I intimidate guys my own age. I've been told this several times recently - hmmm. I always thought I was friendly and approachable - but apparently I'm not! Who knew?! NEway - I was hit on by a 30 something - suprise! I told him I'm not looking to date anyone but we could be friends. He still wanted my number so I gave it to him. We are currently playing phone tag - my favorite game in the world. And now I wait . . . I am too old to party the way I did and go into work at 7am the next morning. When I walked in the door, everyone just started laughing. I was a mess. I couldn't see or think straight and the six cups of coffee did nothing but make me have to pee a million times. Oh well, my co-workers were thoroughly entertained. You know me, always making someone smile. After I got home I walked the dog and went STRAIGHT to bed. Sad thing is I was up after only 2 hours - couldn't sleep - but didn't feel any better. Saturday night I went and spent time with an old friend. She is going through a lot right now and I just let her talk for hours. It was nice and she said she felt much better after talking to me. Why does it seem like everyone is going through some kind of turmoil these days? Oh I know why - because people suck! Not everyone but enough to cause problems in what seems to be everyone's lives these days. I know things will get better - and so I wait . . . Sunday I went to the final graduation party of my brother's friends. It seems like there has been one every weekend! He went to private school and has been finished for quite a while but several of his friends just finished up public school so it feels like a never ending stream of parties. I feel old. I remember when the boys that now tower over me were playing in the kiddie pool in the backyard. I found myself saying the same lines I heard growing up, "I can't believe how big you are!" Yikes! Pretty soon I'll be pinching cheeks . . . After the party "the jerk" texted and asked me to go to the movies. To the movies?! Like nothing happened!!! Like I didn't just tell him he couldn't be in my life any longer because all he does is hurt me. Why did I even waste my time telling him all of that?! People. Maybe he will grow up. And so I wait . . . Well I have a pretty uneventful week ahead. My last final is tomorrow morning. I have nothing planned for this week. Just to rest up for the next session that starts Tuesday. Oh yeah, and to hurry up and wait. Smiley for the Day:

It is SO not happening

What a jerk! I suppose I don't even need to mention his name. Changed? How?! Just because he wears collared shirts and jeans now? Or perhaps it is that he is using a road bike instead of a mountain bike now. No, no I got it!! Hold on . . . the oil in his car. Yeah, that's it, he's changed the oil in his car! Silly me, I thought when he said that he's changed that meant he wouldn't be the same shallow jerk I broke up with in December. What was I thinking?! Not that I bought his whole "I've changed" line, but damn, I thought he'd at least be able to keep up his act for a while. Didn't even last a month! He ruined a perfectly good night. If you are with someone for over 5 years and you still have to explain every single matter of the heart - the same ones over and over again - it's not going to work - EVER. He can change his clothes, bike, and oil all he wants - the simple fact is he just doesn't understand me. There is so much to me at so many levels and he can only see the surface (borrowed that line from Deb - hee hee) But seriously, he just doesn't get me and I'm sick of explaining my feelings over and over again. I'm even more sick of getting hurt and crying over him when he just goes about his day. I'm sick of initiating every serious conversation we ever have - hold on - I take that back - he initiated the one coming back from fishing, the one where he was trying to get me back (gotta give credit where it is due). Not only that, but I've heard from several people close to him that he was talking shit about me up until the week before the whole "I've changed" act. I was willing to forgive it. When I confronted him, he denied some of it and admitted to others then gave me this line about how he was upset and people are just trying to keep us apart. Yeah, okay. I was upset too and I never said anything remotely close to what he said. What? Are we in middle school? Be a man - admit that you were an ass and then we can move on - instead I get lied to. Come on, I don't think his friends have this great conspiracy to keep us apart. I could swear I don't have "stupid" written on my forehead - I better double check . . . He can't stay here. He's threatening all the strength, happiness, and independence I have worked so hard to gain since our break-up. Especially now, when my life is going in a direction I like. I've worked too hard to let him fuck things up now. I should have known better, but at least I did try. Besides, I want to be with someone who thinks I'm beautiful inside and out, who likes the depth of me and not just the surface. I hear it from my friends, family, and even my customers all the time!!! I can't remember the last time I heard him say the outside was beautiful much less the inside - hold on - I take that back - there was that one time coming back from fishing, the one where he was trying to get me back . . . Since he's been back in my life, he's driven to see me one time. I lost count of how many times I've driven to see him (we live an hour apart). Yup - big change. He looks nicer in his new clothes, the bike is nice too, and I'm sure his car appreciated the oil change. I am not impressed and I give up. Smilely for the Day:

Today I was okay.

Ok with where I am and where I am going. My "ah-ha" moment was while I was shopping this evening. As I looked through the housewares department, I had ideas of creating a home just for me. After spending the last 5 years of my life in the same relationship (the last 2 engaged) I had always thought of a future for two. I found the strength to get out of the relationship in December, but it wasn't until recently I began the process of letting go. It has been a difficult road with many ups and downs. I have been single for 6 months now, today was the first day I can truly say I am okay with that. Not just okay, but excited! I decided relatively recently I wanted to pursue my aspiration to try living not only on my own (no roomies - nadie) but downtown. I did a preliminary housing search. I found it difficult to find a nice place that will take a dog Trek's size. But my diligence paid off, I found a place I fell in love with. It is small but in a great location. Only weeks later, I was presented with an awesome job opportunity - where else but downtown!! I have the interview on Monday. If I land the job, it will completely solve the problem of finding a large apartment in a nice area downtown without a roommate or taking up daily collections. The job pays more than twice what I would make as a teacher. Better yet, the job is something I would absolutely love doing and is still in the education field working with awesome educators. Wow, wow, wow! This past weekend was totally awesome! It was my 7th consecutive year with Special Olympics Maryland (SOMD). Friday was preliminary competition. Afterwards I: Watched the sun set from the water taxi . . . Went to the Orioles game with Stephanie & Jess. . . Watched fireworks . . . And hung out with Steph dowtown after it all. Here we are posing in front of the "Maryland Crab". Saturday the SOMD Summer Games began. Afterwards, I spent QT with my long-time friend Jim. He moved and changed changes jobs 2 years back and although we talk often, I hadn't seen him since. We went out for drinks and dinner - laughing and trying to out talk each other. Afterwards we went downtown for dessert at the Cheesecake Factory. On our way back to the car, we stumbled upon: an open air dance party right outside of Harborplace! I was too busy shaking my groove thang to get any good pictures. It was so much fun - people of all ages from all walks of life singing, dancing, and having a good time together! Sunday was the final day of competition at the Games. This year I recruited two friends to volunteer. They worked at the aquatics competition. My mother, her friend, my brother, and two of his friends volunteered at athletics this year. From left to right: Me, Lisa, and Jim. Lisa has competed every year since I have been working with Special Olympics. I really wish I had more photos to give you an idea of what Special Olympics is all about. I always bring my camera but never have time to take many photos. I think next year I will recruit a friend to come one day and take pictures for me. Anyway, nearly every state has a program and I strongly encourage you to volunteer and find out what it is all about. I have done a lot of volunteering and it is BY FAR the most rewarding experience I have ever had - the fact that I commit hundreds of hours of my time each year planning and running the athletics competition should attest to that. I was exhausted after a packed weekend - but it was more than I could have ever asked for! Smiley for the Day:

Quick Post

I just wanted to send a quick thank you for all the support I received last week. I was just really bummed with how some relationships in my life were going. I received e-mails, phone calls, IMs, and even a blog entry letting me know I am thought of and not alone in feeling discouraged at times. I had a really awesome weekend and I'll share about it tomorrow. Thanks everyone!!

Why do I even try?

I must like being disappointed and hurt.

A paddle to remember!

I finally got to go paddling with Stephanie. We had a really good time. I've done all my paddling in water clean enough to swim in - so paddling downtown was quite an experience!! It is sad how polluted the Inner Harbor is: the trash along side the dock is plentiful, the water has a lovely smell, and there are no fish! In fact, the only living organism you’ll see is the occasional disorientated duck or seagull. Nonetheless, it was really awesome to explore the city from a kayak. It makes the city seem so small. Paddling with the Downtown Baltimore shoreline behind me Of course I didn't go paddling without my storm cloud . . . There were a lot of boats out on the water. Normally I don't mind a splash caused by the wake of a boat - but with the water as dirty as I described, I wasn't thrilled with the water splashing on me. Then, I was almost run over by a water taxi! But the kicker was when I pulled my kayak out of the water. As I hoisted it onto the deck and flipped it over - guess what my hand was touching . . . A USED CONDOM!!! Ahhhhh! I think I handled it pretty well - just because I didn't want to ruin the dinner of anyone in the waterside restaurants. But a condom?! It was clearly out in the elements for quite some time - so I'm sure there were no organisms still living in it - BUT STILL! I didn't think I needed to bring hand sanitizer just to go kayaking! Man was I wrong! I must have rubbed my hands raw when I finally got to a sink. Yuck, yuck, yuck. I enjoyed the paddle in the Inner Harbor, but needless to say, after the happy ending I won't be back! I’m going to stick to waters I know, the ones with wildlife and fish. Another day in the life of me. Smiley for the Day:

I must be losing my mind!

I totally forgot to post the pics from my brother's graduation! Being the proud sister I am, I have lots of photos to share. Enjoy! My little graduate! :0) Dad & Del Left to right: Cordell, Mom, Del I'm so proud! And so another chapter in his life closes . . .

Sometimes you just have to throw a party . . .

even if it is a pity party. I had such a party last week. I have everything in perspective now. I thought back to three years ago when I was working 2 jobs and could only dream of going to school. This year, I went to school full-time and worked part-time. This summer, I am fortunate enough to take a course I need to graduate in December. Needless to say, that crashed the party. That party needed to be crashed. I'm happy to report I had an awesome weekend. Saturday was our annual family fishing trip in Solomons Island. I just finished posting the photos on flickr. It was a lot of fun. My first catch! As usual, I got bored after catching three fish and busied myself throwing back small fish, taking pictures, and eating all the yummy food my Mom brings along. Yoni joined us for the third year - this time as my ex. I was anxious about seeing him (it's been four months) but once we were there, I was totally comfortable - I could tell that he wasn't though. During the course of the trip we planned to go kayaking the next day. I haven't been out on the water since the season opened. My paddling partner and I cannot seem to match our schedules and when we do, one of us is too exhausted to go. So, I was really excited to have an opportunity to go paddling and to spend a day with Yoni. I was in for a shock on the ride home. We were together for nearly five years. Before meeting him, I got bored in a matter of weeks, sometimes months (rarely). I felt like we should have been in the Guinness World Book of Records or something. And then, for many reasons, I ended the relationship in December. We tried to be friends immediately after the break-up - BAD IDEA. To my surprise he wanted to go on our annual family fishing trip this year. The real surprise was the ride home. He talked the entire way: he loves me, he misses me, he thinks about me everyday, he's changed, he realizes what I was trying to tell him, he'll never find anyone like me and on and on. I just let him talk. This was a complete 360. I had to pull teeth to get him to share his feelings when we were together and here he is talking for an hour straight! I wonder if my jaw was hanging open . . . I didn't say much at all. I told him I still care about him and that I miss him too and that was it. After all the energy I spent getting over our break-up, that's all I had to give. I am enjoying being single right now. I have plans to live downtown, BY MYSELF, after graduation. No roommates - just me and my dog. I am going to work in inner city schools for the next couple of years. I have met people in the last few months that I never would have a year ago. I don't want to be comfortable anymore. I like stepping outside of my comfort zone and figuring out what I am capable of. It is too late for us - right now anyway. But I didn't say any of that - I just let him talk and I listened. Kayaking was fun. It was a beautiful day - I wish I'd had my waterproof camera along. We had breakfast with his family. It was so nice to see them! They all said how much they have missed me. His mom calls me quite often and his sister IMs me. You really become part of the family when you are with someone for that long and I do miss them a lot. It was hard to be around them when I was so heartbroken - now I moved an hour away and I hardly have any free time - I don't think they understand why I don't come over more often. It was really good to see them. After kayaking, Yoni and I descended on the Indian food buffet. Yum. After putting the kayaks away, we went shopping and to the movies. It all felt too comfortable. I don't want to be comfortable - when you get too comfortable you cease to grow and change. I have a lot of growing and changing to do. I see a friendship with him as a threat to that. Now he's calling me everyday and telling me how much he loves me. I love him too, but these days, I love myself more. I am taking care of me and my needs. I'm not sure I can balance both right now. What am I to do? Smiley for the Day:

Perhaps I should rename my blog.

The first title of this blog was "The Whirlwind Ahead". Life was much crazier then, but it is still crazy now. It's hard to explain. I feel like the weeks are flying by but I'm not really sure I was actually there. I want to be at a point where I have time to do the things I want to do and not just the things I have to do. Sunday is the only day I have to myself and I can't even enjoy that. In the perfect world I . . . wouldn't have to work so much to pay for summer school. wouldn't spend the time I wasn't at work, in class or doing schoolwork. would have a normal sleep pattern. boys wouldn't be stupid ;) THEN my summer would be perfect! Well, I really have nothing to blog about since I have NO LIFE! Maybe I should find a more entertaining job. *sigh* Smiley for the Day: