When is it going to be enough?

How long are you going to wait for your love to reciprocated? How long are you going to talk without being heard? How long are you going to reach out into thin air? How many times are you going to let the same person hurt you? How long are you going to let someone make you feel unimportant? How long are you going to wait for things to change? How many times are you going to let your feelings be discounted? How many times are you going to let you feelings be ignored? How many times are you going to settle for last place? How many times is your heart going to be trampled on? How long are you going to carry the entire emotional burden for a relationship? How many times are you going to listen to the same excuse? How long are you going to settle? How long are you going to be unhappy? When is it going to be enough? Smiley for the Day:

not a pretty girl

i am not a pretty girl that is not what i do i ain't no damsel in distress and i don't need to be rescued so put me down punk maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere? i am not an angry girl but it seems like i've got everyone fooled every time i say something they find hard to hear they chalk it up to my anger and never to their own fear and imagine you're a girl just trying to finally come clean knowing full well they'd prefer you were dirty and smiling and i am sorry i am not a maiden fair and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere . . . and what if there are no damsels in distress what if i knew that and i called your bluff? don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down? whether or not you ever show up i am not a pretty girl i don't want to be a pretty girl no i want to be more than a pretty girl -Ani Di Franco Smiliey for the Day:

It's Friday!

Today was awesome. I really enjoyed my classes this morning. Yes, even I can be a nerd sometimes ;0) I am especially enjoying my psychopharmacology course. The professor is awesome and the subject matter is totally new and interesting. I also met a really nice person in class today. We exchanged info., so I am looking forward to a new friendship or at least a study partner. Work was equally awesome: Mr. Glen washed my car. No more salt to eat the paint off my car ;0) We have internet now! Woo hoo! I don't think I'll be signing online on Friday anymore though, it is way too busy. However, amid all the interruptions, I was able to have an important IM conversation with my best friend, Debbie. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I am so thankful that she is so understanding, supportive, fun, and just all around awesome. So yea for internet at work! My check engine light was on in my car. Gary took a look at it and I was happy to find out that a valve just needed to be cleaned which didn't cost a penny! While he had my car in the bay he noticed the dent in my car and said he'd fix it. He's also going to install the stereo that has been sitting in my trunk for months. My car is getting a makeover. I am so excited! The other fun thing was my brother's wrestling match tonight. He was awesome! This particular match was quite significant to his team and my brother has been looking forward to it all year. It's called "The Battle of Bel Air", where three local high schools (Fallston, Bel Air, and JC) compete. The whole thing is televised. Anyway, my brother dominated the match and pinned his opponent in the second period. I was so proud of him! I managed wrestling in high school and college. I never thought my brother would be a wrestler and here he is in his fourth year! It's funny how life comes full circle. That's about it. I guess it doesn't take much to make me happy . . . I had planned to attend a poetry slam tonight. But, by the time the match was over, it was too late. That's okay, it is sooo cold outside and I am soooo tired. These 8am classes are killing me! I am going to drive back home so I don't have to wake up as early tomorrow to take Trek to his grooming appt. I don't have any exciting plans for the weekend; just to get organized and do some reading for school. I hope everyone has a fun, safe weekend! I enjoyed this post by my best friend: Let it Go for 2005 by T.D. Jakes Check it out! Smiley for the Day:

I am so bored!

I thought I would try the courier font on this post. You know, the font you use when you need another page for your term paper. Times New Roman when you have lots to say and courier when you need to pretend that you do. See what happens when I have too much time on my hands? I am going crazy here! Today is the first day of the semester. I am taking classes in the morning so that I can fit them in before work. I designed my schedule so that I would have an hour break b/w my first two classes and my last one. Everyone knows I am not a morning person (and if you didn't know, now you have been warned). So, I figured a break would save some poor unsuspecting soul from . . . well . . . from well . . . from me ;0) I guess I scared off my 9am professor because he cancelled class this morning. Canceling the first class should be illegal. Now I will have only one class before the drop/add period ends to decide whether I really want to be looking at this man at 9am. ANYWAY, now my next class isn't for another two hours!! I am sooo bored! This is going to be a looong semester. I hardly slept last night. I woke up at 3am and never could get back to sleep. I think I am just worried with everything that is going on. I've been contemplating making major changes in my life and my mind was working overtime in the wee hours of the morning. It was a good thing though: Trek got a long walk, I didn't have to fight for the shower, I got to school early, and most importantly, I made up my mind about some things. There are still other things I need to sort out, but some insight from others is required. I'll take care of that today. Then I can finally clear my mind and sleep well. I'm going to need it - I am taking an overload of credits this semester! La la la la la la . . . I am starting to get hungry. I'm going to check e-mail and then grab some grub! Hopefully it will be close to 11 by then! Smiley for the Day:

Quote for the Day

"Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end."

Is life always going to be like this?

I hope not. I am so tired of life and I am only 24 years old. It is really quite sad. Year after year I make the same mistakes, go through the same depression, pick the same wrong friends, and end up in the wrong guys arms. This year I am going to try to do things differently: I am going to find my inner strength. I am going to be brutally honest with people. I am going to start taking better care of myself. I am going to stop protecting other's feelings at the expense of my own. I am going to end unhealthy relationships to make room for healthy ones. I am going to spend more time alone. I am going backpacking this summer, even if it is just me and Trek. I am taking a vacation. I am going to give God the control he should have had all along. I am going to get back into road racing. I am going to counseling and I am going to do it with an open mind. I am going to stop beating myself up over the past and put that energy into my future. I am going to monitor my own behavior. I am going to reach out BEFORE I slip into depression. I am going to get involved in a community whether it is church, an extracurricular activity or a sports/outdoors organization. So much for not making New Year's resolutions! If this year is not any better, I give up. Smilie for the Day:

If you tell me you are

going to do something, I expect you to do it. Nothing has changed. done wrong the wind is ruthless the trees shake angry fingers at the sky the people hunch their shoulders hold their collars over their ears and run by it's a cold rain it's a hard rain like the kind you find in songs i guess that makes me the jerk with the heartache here to sing to you about how i been done wrong i am sitting, watching out the window of the coffee shop and i'm waiting, waiting waiting for it to let up i am rocking like a cradle warming my hands with the cup in between i am leaning over the table holding my face over the steam and before it gets so cold that the rain turns to snow there's just a couple things i'd like to know like how could you do nothing and say, i'm doing my best how could you take almost everything and then come back for the rest how could you beg me to stay reach out your hands and plead and then pack up your eyes and run away as soon as i agreed it just all slips away so slowly you don't even notice till you've lost a lot i've been like one of those zombies in vegas pouring quarters into a slot and now i'm tired and i am broke and i feel stupid and i feel used and i'm at the end of my little rope and i am swinging back and forth about you and before it gets so cold that the rain turns to snow there's just a couple things i'd like to know like how could you do nothing and say, i'm doing my best how could you take almost everything and then come back for the rest how could you beg me to stay reach out your hands and plead and then pack up your eyes and run away as soon as i agreed -Ani DiFranco Smilie for the Day:

All bundled up for the snow!

Shit!

I forgot, I was supposed to stop venting on here for a while. Oops! Let's see . . . today was pretty uneventful. I found it soooo hard to get out of bed this morning. Even a shower didn't help me wake up. Funny thing is, I went to bed really early. I didn't really sleep well Monday night, I kept twisting and turning. I guess it is just catching up with me. Due to my sleep disorder, Trek didn't get much of a walk this morning. I was late getting up, slow getting ready, and I didn't want to be late for work. Before you start feeling sorry for Trek . . . don't worry, my brother took him out after school to play in the yard and I took him for a long walk after dinner. That MORE than made up for the short walk this morning. Bonus, I'm off tomorrow! I am going to sleep so late. Okay, got a little side tracked there. Back to my day . . . went to work. There was a totally different group of men there when I got there this morning. Just when I am starting to get to know everyone, there are even more "locals" to meet. I was too tired to pay attention to any of their names or to try to make conversation. I kinda just vegged there at the computer all morning. I must have been quite a sight! It got busy around ten and that woke me up. The only female that hangs out at the shop regularly was really nice to me today. She's has hardly said two words to me since I started. Guess she was feeling me out all this time. When she figured out I wasn't going to flirt with "her men", she decided to be nice. That is my theory anyway. As much fun as I was having at the shop, I had plans to spend my lunch break at a doctor's appointment. I have gained 6lbs. in two weeks eating lunch with "the guys": pizza, subs, chinese, tubs of lard, ect. They seem to be able to maintain a normal weight, but at the rate I am going, I will be a plus size model by spring! I am going to have to spend more lunch hours away from all that "healthy eating". So anyway, it starts snowing on my way to Towson. It wasn't really sticking and I didn't think much of it. By the time I left my appointment, the roads were a mess. It took me two hours to get back to work! Fortunately, my car handles snow really well. Unfortunately, I had to share the road with tons of dumb asses. Like the ones who think that just because they are driving an SUV, they can drive like they are on the Palm Beach Coast. And when their dumb asses cause accidents, we have the other dumb asses who look at that accident instead of the road. Then we have another accident caused by another dumb ass who so quickly forgot that they were driving!!! Grrrr. Fortunately, I didn't see any major accidents, just a bunch of dumb asses on the side of the road. The cute guy stopped by the shop late this afternoon. That made up for the drive back from Towson ;0) I am so bad with names, and I am sorry to say that I forgot his. But I think "cute guy" will work for now. I am not going to discuss the rest of my day b/c that will cause me to revert to venting. My winter break is almost over, exactly one week before school starts again. Not happy about that. I am looking forward to the foot or more of snow we are supposed to get this weekend. Trek is so cute when he plays in the snow. He hops! Totally cute. That's it for the night. Smilie for the Day:

ma·nip·u·late:

to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage I just want to let you know that I am on to your game. You may think what you are doing right now is keeping you close to me. Once I get my shit together, it is just going to make it easier for me to get you out of my life. So I hope you are enjoying this shallow relationship we have, becaue it won't go on forever. That I promise you. Smilie for the Day:

Excerpt from o.k.

"if you ask me i'll say yes please to you today so don't ask me cuz i'm weak that way just don't ask me o.k." -Ani DiFranco Smilie for the Day:

It's the End of an Era

Sometimes, all it takes is a small event for you to realize that a relationship will not work. But often, that is exactly what you need. You need someone to push your limits for you to be okay with where you are. My small event was the lack of common courtesy and an excuse for it from a friend who "loves me". The same inconsideration and excuse I've heard before. I decided that this was going to be the last time. People treat you how you let them treat you. I've truly had enough of being hurt and I'm okay with letting the relationship go. I have let go of relationships that were important to me before. I did it because I was tired of being hurt by the other person. It is not an easy thing to do, I still care about those people very much. But looking back, I have no regrets. And so, here I am again. Letting go and moving on. This time, it is the end of over four years of a relationship. It's the end of an era and the beginning of a new one. Smilie for the Day:

Something just clicked!

The weekend has flown by, once again. Friday night Bram and I went to a new club in Baltimore called Iguana Cantina. We had a blast! Of course we missed out on the Saturday night festivities w/ our college friends. We were too exhausted for another night out on the town. This weekend has been so great. It isn't so much what I did this weekend, wasn't much. It is how I feel. For the first time in weeks, I don't miss "what was" and "what could have been". I really enjoyed my time with friends and my time alone. Wow, that feels great! Today is cleaning day, then back to work tomorrow. Bram & I

New Job

I started a new job this week. My parents bought an auto repair shop. So I am office manager. I absolutely love it! It is such a chill job. The shop reminds me of the "Barber Shop". It is a local hangout for men in the area. The guys are all really nice and I am really enjoying the job. Best of all, when school starts, I can bring my homework to work on. Bonus! Who would have ever thought I'd be working at an auto repair shop! Goes to show you, you never know what road life will take you down.

Ever done something . . .

. . . completely crazy that you never thought you would do?

Thank you

I think I am done venting now. No promises . . . I am so thankful for all the phone calls from family and friends. It has meant so much. Thank you! Today I Feel:

Now I know why . . .

. . . I made a brick wall in my ceramics class. It makes an interesting piece. It's a box without sharp corners. When it is closed you cannot tell where it opens. It has texture. Turns out none of those reasons are it. I made a brick wall because it is such a big part of my life. I talk to brick walls. I speak, I am listened to, but I am not heard. I run into brick walls. The road looks clear, then boom! I run into a brick wall. I repair the damage, continue driving, and bam! Another wall. That is why. And before I go to bed I just want to say: words are cheap. I don't want to hear "I am sorry for hurting you" ever again! I am sorry you are so emotionally dishonest. You should know that I am not stupid. I can tell when something is said without thought and out of reflex, guilt, or shame. I had a dead beat father, remember?! Just say nothing. I'd rather hear silence than another empty word. I am trying so hard not to be angry, but everyone has their breaking point. Enough! Today I Feel:

Well, here is it . . .

I broke my engagement with Yoni and ended the relationship. Like any break up, I went back and forth the first few days. But now, right now, I can really say it is over. I took down all the photos, recalled the wedding invitations, and updated cyberspace. If you are expecting all the juicy details, you won't find them here. Even now, I find it very difficult to write this. Discussing all the details of a very private matter would serve no purpose. All I have to say is that after four years, it was time for me to move on. It wasn't something I took lightly. It wasn't easy and it continues to be a difficult thing for me. If you have been a part of my life at all recently, you know it was a slow process of re-evaluating the relationship and how I felt in it. I had to face all the things I didn't want to see. In the end, it was something I had to do. We were engaged for two years, and it is hard when you have planned for so long to spend the rest of your life with someone. Often, the comfort of a long-term relationship can be mistaken for happiness. People change and love is not always enough to bridge the gap. Fortunately, I have had such incredible support from family and friends. As time passes, I better know that I made the right decision. A different future lies ahead of me now. I am free to explore options that I never would have considered. I think that is exciting. Life is about learning. I learned a lot in the relationship and I know I am a stronger person because of it. But now it is time for me to move on.

Whole Again

. . .Am I lost in some illusion Am I what You thought I'd be Now it seems I find myself in need to be forgiven . . . If I give my life, if I lay it down Can You turn this life around? Can I be made clean by this offering of my soul Can I be made whole again? Have I labored all for nothing Tryin' to make it on my own Fear to reach out to the hand of One who understands me . . . If I give my life, if I lay it down Can You turn this life around? Can I be made clean by this offering of my soul Can I be made whole again? Can I offer up this simple prayer Pray it finds a simple ear A scratch in Your infinite time Not withstanding my fallings not withstanding my crimes. If I give my life, if I lay it down Can You turn this life around? Can I be made clean by this offering of my soul Can I be made whole again? by Jennifer Knapp Today I Feel: