Today has been one of reflection.

I am having a really hard time getting my thoughts together. I am starting this blog entry without a clear sense of the direction it will take. I know I need to write so I am going to take my time doing it and just see what I come up with. Bare with me. I'll start with my weekend: started great and ended badly. Start: I was able to spend a lot of quality time with Stephanie this weekend. We did lots of talking, washed our cars, and attended a bonfire in the middle of Baltimore City. Good times. End: Yoni - enough said. Additionally, the actions of "friends" knocked the scab off an already painful matter and busted it wide open. Their actions hurt me and someone else. Bad times. I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on recent years trying to pin point specific areas of my life that need to change. I began this blog nearly a year ago to help me deal with the most difficult decision of my entire life: the decision to end my engagement with Yoni. I couldn't deal with the hurt, the confusion, and the pressure all at once. I needed an outlet, a safe place. I found that in blogging and I'm glad I did. Looking over past posts helps me to remember where I've been and realize I have so much further to go. I am able to examine my thoughts and actions b/c they are catalogued here on this blog. My conclusion? I need to start doing things differently. Not tomorrow or the next day, but RIGHT NOW. Clearly, I have been going about the last couple years of my life all wrong. I am unhappy 50% of the time and that is just too damn much. I made a list at the beginning of the year of some of the things I need to do. Sadly, I can only check a couple off the list. There is a saying that says, 'doing the same thing and expecting a different result is a sign of insanity'. I am insane. Nothing is going to change if I don't do anything about it. I realize that. I was off to a great start at the beginning of the year: getting involved in lots of new social experiences, going out with friends often, engaging in the physical activities I enjoy, moving out of an unhealthy environment, ect. I have since lost momentum. I am emotionally exhausted and am feeling the same way I have felt so many times before. Things are going to change.