Happy Friday!

I've been MIA from the blogging world for a while. Nothing exciting to report. After school was over, I worked 7 days straight. In between all that work I managed to have some fun. The highlights were hanging out with friends and attending our company holiday party. You think I'm a party girl?! Ha! My co-workers could drink me under the table. They ran the poor bartenders into the ground! I seriously thought one of them was going to have a heart attack. He was sweating profusely, running back and forth and mumbling nonsense - poor guy. Remarkably, I didn't manage to take a single picture. Ah, well. Let's see, Monday night I could have been on an episode of Emergency Vets. Trek ingested an entire bottle of doggy painkillers b/c a certain BITCH left them on my desk chair instead of out of his reach. I was half asleep when I heard the sound of crunching plastic. The child safety seal was destroyed and all five chicken-flavored tablets were gone. I was pissed. I have never gotten so close to slapping the shit out of someone in my life! Seriously. Everyone who knows my dog - knows he's EXTREMELY food motivated. Why the fuck someone would be inconsiderate enough to leave a chicken-smelling bottle of pills on my desk chair is beyond me. Fortunately, Trek is a big enough dog that the pills he ate were just in range of the maximum therapeutic dose (psychopharmacology wasn't useless after all). The only side effect at that dose is gastrointestinal upset, something an over the counter medicine would take care of. Before hanging up the phone, the vet said, "That dog is trouble!" I responded, "Nah, he's not any trouble. He's just an innocent bystander of my enormous storm cloud." She laughed. I cried. (not really, just sounds more dramatic) So at 1am I was driving around every convenience store and gas station looking for PepcidAC. Good times. Yesterday was my only day off. Finally, a day to relax and get some things done around the house. Riiiiight. Of course it wasn't at all the productive day I had planned. My baby Mazda had to go in the shop after 107,000 miles of faithful service: the water pump went up. I'd just like to take a moment to thank the Mazda engineers for recessing this part (unlike in most cars) costing me serious labor. Oh happy day! After getting an estimate in good ol' Bel Air, I was told I would have to wait until after New Years to fix a problem that could leave me stranded any day now. Did I ever mention how much I hate Bel Air? So, I called my ex's friend in Columbia (where the mechanics graduate from H.S.) and he'll have it done by tomorrow. Bonus: he is going to replace other parts such as the timing belt, PVC valve, and other things I don't remember the names of - I just have to pay for the parts. All that and $100 cheaper even with replacing all the extra parts. Suck on that Bel Air! Well, while waiting for my dad to pick me up from the auto repair shop, I decided to walk over to Target. I love Target. But this time of year, the store is invaded by cart driving maniacs. Seriously, women will just plow you over trying to get a new power tool for their husband. Oh, and do not even dare try to look at the holiday decorations. People are crazy. And what ever happened to excuse me or pardon me? Geeeeeeez. Alright, I feel like I should get out of my pajamas and do something productive now. I hope everyone enjoys their holiday weekend! I will be stuffing my face on Christmas day. However, with Thanksgiving still fresh in my mind, I'll try not to overdo it. No promises though - my Momma is cooking! Smiley for the Day:

I'm here . . . somewhere

No, I'm not off somewhere going through a quarter-life crisis. I'm not in crisis at all actually. I was just being lazy and thought I'd post a forward. Yes, I can relate to much of it. And yes, I hit a low point two weekends ago. But a crisis? That's going a bit far. I've actually been enjoying bits and pieces of my life over the last few weeks. Let's see... ...there was cooking with my mom, Stephanie, and "the cute little bug". How do you know that the food you are eating is truly organic? When a "cute little bug" comes with your baby spinach. We made salmon baked in butter lettuce (pictured), lamb sausage patties, Jamaican rice and beans, and sautéed baby spinach. The food was fabulous as was the time we spent together shopping, preparing, cooking, and eating. Yum! ...there was underwear and bra shopping. Now if you know me at all, are a longtime reader of this blog, or read my post on 100 Things about underwear, you know I'm not a big fan. Perhaps because Trek finds my underwear to be a favorite chew toy. Until recently, I had only one matching set thanks to my four-legged roommate. Well, I have since remedied that. I now have lots of cute bra and panty sets. Pink, yellow, black, brown, and red, oh my! I never thought I'd have so much fun shopping. Who knows, maybe I'll start wearing underwear more often!! ...there has been lots o' beer combined with lots o' camera phone fun. In case you missed it, my parents got me a new camera phone for my birthday. Although it wasn't the the Sony Cyber-Shot DSC-P200, 7.2 Megapixel, 3x Optical/6x Digtal Zoom Digital Camera that I am in love with (even more so now that I discovered that it comes in black) that I was dropping hints all over the place about, the new phone was a great birthday gift. I no longer have the bottom-of-the-line, piece-of-crap I once called my cell phone. I now have an awesome phone with speakerphone, voicedial, color screen, and a digital camera!! And I thought my parents were technologically challenged. Good job Mom and Dad! Okay, got a bit sidetracked there. As I was saying... This new phone is great entertainment while out drinking with friends - I highly recommend it. Now I can capture fun moments when I forget my regular camera or when I have a spontaneous outing. Better yet, I can send said pictures to whomever I please at the push of a button. Not that I have done that or anything. Hee hee hee (evil laugh). I've also been going out with people from work quite a bit. There have been several birthdays and such recently. I found out that in addition to not knowing how to have fun, I am also conceited. Whaaaaat?! Who knew?! I'm glad to report that my recent outings have not only shown them that I am not at all conceited and indeed know how to have fun, but it has also led to two crushes and one guy exclaiming, "You are cool as shit!" Now I know certain bloggers are going to ask about said crushes. No, I am not interested. But I must admit, I like the attention. It sure has made work more interesting! With school out and winter in, I'm going to start hanging out with them more. It does irritate me how I was perceived for going on four months, but I hope everyone involved learned not to be so judgmental. ...there was Levern's awards dinner. He and I are former co-workers and close friends. Levern won paralegal of the year and of course I had to be there to support him. Fortunately, the doorman thought I was cute and didn't charge me the hefty $50 ticket price. Highlight next to Levern receiving his award? Double chocolate fudge mousse cake. Yum! ...there was a failed attempt to share Trek's vocal skills. Don't bother clicking on the picture above because I couldn't get the video uploaded. You are really missing out because Trek can give a rendition of Outkast that you will never forget. He also sings Ani DiFranco quite well - surprise. But damn it, my uploading program crashed twice and that is all the patience I have. **Sigh** - It's times like these I miss dating a computer genius. For anyone who knows how to upload video successfully - an e-mail would be greatly appreciated. ...there has been harmony between me, my belly, my jeans, and the bathroom scale. I have somehow avoided the after Thanksgiving 10-15 lbs. of blubber this year. I haven't increased my daily exercise nor have I decreased my daily chocolate intake. Shhhhh - maybe my body doesn't know what time of year it is. ...there is enough snow for doggie boots. I looooove playing in the snow with Trek. Now, I know Trek doesn't look too thrilled in this picture. But trust me, it is for his own good. When all the other dogs have to leave the park b/c their paws are bright red from the cold, guess who is still playing? Besides, Trek is big enough to beat up any dog who makes fun of him. ...there has been confusion over time and boundaries. The ex wants to be my "best friend". I'm not sure that is possible with us both admiting we still having feelings for one another. However, I miss him terribly and would love if we could be friends. We set up obvious boundaries: no sex, no kissing. If only it were so simple. He wanted to buy the coveted camera for my birthday. I declined. I felt such an expensive gift would be crossing the boundary of this new friendship we are trying to build. We argued over it for some time. He finally gave up trying to convince me and told me to think about it. Oh the temptation!! He's already chastised my partying. What gives him the right? He has just walked back into my life and already he is falling back into attitudes that caused me so much grief in the past? Then there is his new position at work - he's traveling twice as much as when we were together. Already he has bailed on plans and doesn't know when he'll have time to reschedule. Now I'm decked out in all our history. All the feelings of past hurt are rushing back. I've tried hard to avoid it, but now it is too late. So now what? Feel the loss all over again? Or hang on and hope it gets better? Then there is a "friend" who never seems to make time for me. In fact, I cannot remember the last time we hung out on his initiative. What is worse, he's always telling me I mean a lot to him and he will do better, but he never does. Actions speak louder than words, no? Why keep telling me the same thing over and over and not change your behavior? Why become silent when I confront you about it? It is as I have known but have refused to face. It hurts. "Learn to suppress it pretty girl..." ...then there is school. Finals are over Friday morning. Woot-woot!! Granted this wasn't exactly the most challenging semester, I'm still glad that it is almost over. I plan on partying my little butt off this weekend. Are you with me? I think that about covers what I have been up to in recent weeks. Crisis averted. Smiley for the Day:

TWENTY-SOMETHING Years Old

A forward I received... They call it the "Quarter-Life Crisis". It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom - and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too, and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself...and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

Always Evolving

"the one person who really knows me best says i'm like a cat the kind of cat that you just can't pick up and throw into your lap no, the kind that doesn't mind being held only when it's her idea yeah, the kind that feels what she decides to feel when she's good and ready to feel it" -Ani DiFranco, Virtue Writing poetry in times of distress is nothing new for me. Posting it on the internet, however, is. Writing gives me a great sense of release. The only other time I have ever used this medium for my poetry was this post. I'm surprised to see how many people relate to my writing. This goes for my everyday ramblings but especially for my pain in its most raw form. Monday's post somehow spoke to something inside of several readers. I'm still amazed. All in all, the post elicited feelings of understanding of my pain and my need for expression. Thank you. The art above was created by my friend Stephanie in honor of my birthday. I felt what I needed to feel. I expressed how I needed to express. I'm not looking back. I'm moving forward. She's right, we are always evolving...

This is me.

I am one emotionally-drained little blogger. Yesterday my spirit took a beatdown from every which direction. I took the dog for a hike to try to clear my head. At least HE had fun - it was too cold for the release I was looking for. After I thawed out and napped, I headed to a friend's house for fun. It was fun. Then the phone rang. Stab. Then it rang again. Stab. And once more. Stab. In the end, I just wanted to go home - to my room - to my one safe place. I couldn't go home and my frustration brought me to tears. I just layed on the floor and cried. I need to just cry long and hard for a few days and then, once again, pick up the pieces. Get back to fighting. Get back to smiling. Please keep inquiring minds at bay. If I knew what and why, this post wouldn't be the way it is. This is raw emotion here folks. I'm not clarifying anything. Thanks for your understanding. Posted by Picasa This is me. Brea. I am, who I am. Nothing more, just less. And less. And less. You want to be the pretty girl? Walk in my shoes. Be the object of lust. Let every touch hurt. Let every word lie. Cry. Every touch hurts. Every word lies. So many accidents. So many wounds. Sobbing. Let them take whatever they want. Feel stupid. Feel angry. Feel used. Say nothing! You want to be the pretty girl? Cry alone. Cry in his arms. It doesn't matter, you are still alone. Confusion. Poor pretty girl. Know what it is like, to wish his weight would crush your chest, to know he would not notice that you have ceased to breathe. Oh to end the aching in your chest! The question is in their eyes or on their lips, "Do you think you are better than me?" Don't answer. They never listen. You give. They take. And take. And take. What's the matter pretty girl? You know you like it. You know it feels good. You dirty girl. Let the same person hurt you. Over and over. Let them make you feel unimportant. Let your feelings be discounted or ignored. You are only a face, a body, a vagina. You are just a pretty girl. To be used. Settle for last place. Listen to the same excuses. Get used to these words, "I'm sorry for hurting you." You'll hear them, over and over. Empty words. The ripping and tearing is louder than your heartbeat. What you think and feel is not important. Learn to suppress it pretty girl. Keep smiling. There is no one to hold you when your body shakes with such uncontrollable violence that the thoughts within your head begin to fall out of your mouth - no one to collect those words and return them to their hiding place before someone else sees them - for there are thoughts and emotions in those words: heartache and pain - what if the world hears those words and therefore realizes that this smile is only a mask for a sadness that even these words spilled in agony can not express? My smile has hidden so much pain, I dare not frown. Today on 100 Things: An Easy One

Happy Friday!

I just wanted to wish everyone a good weekend!!! I hope the weekend holds fun and/or relaxation. I'm going for relaxation this weekend. Trek just nearly killed himself running from me. I just don't get it . . . Was it something I said? Today on 100 Things: Body Modification

Do you ever have any fun?

I was asked that question by a co-worker yesterday. I have never been so caught off guard in my entire life. Whaaaaaat? Of course I do!!! All the time! Do I really give the impression that I am all work and no play? I mean, I've hit the bars after work a few times with my co-workers. Got me pulled over doing a sobriety test one night! And yes, I've turned down a lot of invites - but only b/c of previous plans or schoolwork. And here he is questioning the fun-o-meter in my life?!!!! Yikes! So, after explaining to him that I do have a life outside of work, I started thinking. Shocker, I know. It is sort of a continuation of this post: In my own reality. What different perceptions do people have of me & what role does that play in my life? At school, everyone thinks of me as "the smart kid". I am willing to bet money that they think I spend my days and nights studying. Ha! Nothing could be further from the truth! Yes, I get high exam scores, but it sure as hell isn't because I spend all my time studying! So why do they have this perception of me? Well, because I ask questions and I interact with my professors. Is it because I have an insatiable desire for knowledge? Not so much. I'm an auditory learner. If I hear and comprehend a topic in class, I don't have to read or study it later. So while everyone else is too shy to answer or ask questions, I make it my prerogative. While they are up all night studying for an exam, I'm sleeping. They can think what they want. Now papers and projects, that's a WHOLE different story. But my guess is, they would be shocked to learn I often wait until the night before to write a paper. Brea the nerd. I think not. Brea, the girl that takes her education into her own hands so she doesn't have to work as hard later. That's more like it. I could go through every area of my life and detail how I am perceived. But I really don't feel like typing that much ;) But my point is, people form perceptions about you according to your actions. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but if your actions don't line up; people are hard pressed to believe you. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. Without getting to know a person, overt behavior is all we have to go on. Perceptions are healthy and can even help keep us safe. Ever been in a situation where someone you didn't know made you feel uncomfortable? In that situation, my personal safety comes before any niceties. If you make me feel uncomfortable, one of us has got to go. On the other end of the spectrum, perceptions help us in our relationships. This becomes important in adulthood. As a child, our best friends were made because they lived down the street or were in the same homeroom for five years. As an adult, relationships take work. People live further and further apart, have increasing demands on time, etc. Although I have casual friends, I prefer depth in my relationships. If I am working on maintaining a relationship, I want it to be worth my while. As mentioned in my profile, I do not care what people think of me. I have such a hard time understanding people that are always worried about what others think. I have friends who are that way and IT DRIVES ME NUTS! They know it too b/c I make no secret of it. Although you have some measure of influence on how others perceive you, you have no control over it. People are going to think what they are going to think - it is much easier than really getting to know someone. Why waste your energy/peace worrying about it? Just be yourself. If you don't take the time to really get to know me, I could give a rat's ass what you think about me. But this rule doesn't apply to my friends. If my actions don't line up with whom they've known me to be, I want to know about it. In the same way, if your actions aren't lining up with the person I thinkt you are, I'm going to tell you. In this way, relationships challenge us. I could never understand, "I don't want to say anything because they may get mad at me". Please. Isn't that what friends are for? To make us face things in ourselves, better ourselves, and enrich our lives? I'm not saying you should trample someone's feelings in the name of brutal honesty. I think you should be straight forward, but you must have tact. Like I've said before, my brain is loosely connected. I'm not sure if any of that made sense. Those were the thoughts running through my head after my coworker asked me that question. His comment didn't make me want to show him how much fun I can be. It didn't make me accept his invite to the pool hall with my co-workers after work. I told him all I wanted to do was go to bed, the same answer I would have given had he not asked the question. I have nothing to prove. If he wants to think I'm no fun, it doesn't cost me anything - he's the one missing out. But his question did trigger all these random thoughts on the ride home. I am comfortable with who I am. I'm not quite WHERE I want to be yet, but I'll know WHO I am when I get there. Today on 100 Things: Next Year.... Smiley for the Day: