for all the right reasons

despite everything my chest continues to rise and fall despite you, despite me, despite us the sun continues to rise, continues to set and i continue to cry, alone. i spend so much time trying to understand how things have come to this lonely, unsettled place a place i can neither understand nor accept. there is so much confusion the colors have all blended into such a beautiful shade of grey yes, such a beautiful shade of grey. if my legs only had the strength to run from this raging of my heart, my mind, my soul if only i could just leave leave you, leave me, leave us if only letting go were an easy task, i would i would let go of all i have loved and all i hate. despite everything my chest continues to rise and fall despite you, despite me, despite us the sun continues to rise, continues to set such a beautiful shade of grey.

Lessons for the Day

Random acts of kindness feel really good. A local church left a beautiful flower arrangement outside my door this morning. I've never been to the church nor has anyone I know. It was just something nice someone decided to do with the arrangements used at their church. I am definitely going to send a thank you note! Arm and Hammer carpet deodorizer is REALLY strong! I guess I shouldn't have been so generous... Man, I think I will be smelling tropical breezes for the next month! I have the window open, but it is not making the slightest bit of difference. Whew! Word to the wise: take it easy with that stuff! November can be a beautiful month. The weather has been unbelievable!! I've always hated the month I was born in. When I was younger, half the time my b-day parties were snowed out. That compounded with the fact my brother and I are a day apart and had to share our parties... This year has been great. Today, I was able to walk my dog in a light jacket and handwash my car. I'm not sure how long this is supposed to last but I have been soaking up every ray of sunshine I possibly can! Cleaning can be a good thing. I cleaned my car inside and out, my room, bathroom and did laundry. I feel like I have accomplished so much today. Now I am organized enough to take on the project that is due Saturday :0/ Target is awesome. Even more so now that they have Starbucks! Nothing like a hot cup of coffee and an espresso brownie to conclude a shopping trip. iPAQs are a godsend. It is without a doubt the best gift Yoni ever has or ever will give me. I love it! I have had one for three years. I don't know how I ever lived without it. I have never been so organized in my life. Not to mention hi-tech ;0) Some relationships are better left broken than to hurt yourself trying to pick up the pieces. I read that (not quoted exactly, but close) many moons ago. It is so relevant to my life today. I am finally mature enough to truly understand and embrace its meaning. There is something special about the companionship of a dog. My dog followed me around all day. As I was cleaning he was right there getting in the way. He even followed me around as I washed my car. For all his "help" he got a super long walk and a big Nylabone. He is so tired, he's snoring! So cute. Hearing the voice of the one you love everyday is something to appreciate. Don't take it for granted. As Yoni travels around Israel, he is often in areas without phones. I can handle not seeing him pretty well but I really miss hearing his voice. Three weeks and a day before he is home. **Sigh** I'll never understand my roommate. Our place is a complete wreck. Contractors left the kitchen and front hallway unfinished. We have tupperware in the living room and part of the front hallway is sub-floor, just to give you an idea. He brings over the girl he is dating without warning me or making the slightest effort to make the place presentable. She has never been here before, I've never met her and he brings her home to that! I just don't get the boy. Two heads are better than one. My best friend is awesome. The other night she put the puzzle pieces of my life together. I can, for the first time, see a complete picture. There have been many unfortunate events in my life. I blamed myself for so much of it. But now that I see the whole picture, I can really start moving on. She is going to be an awesome counselor. Just today, we figured out the logistics of my wedding dress shopping. Cool! Five years of undergrad is too much. Finish in four; no matter how appealing or "necessary" a break may seem. Burn out doesn't even begin to cover it! No matter how you are feeling, there is an Ani DiFranco song for it. Oatmeal is awesome. It is one of my favorite foods. I should have perfect cholesterol, that is for sure. Best thing is, I never have to worry about anyone eating the last of it. It's all mine, no one else will touch it. I need a shower. Now. Today I Feel:

Unbelievable

My Thanksgiving was, how should I describe it, unbelievable! Well actually it was the night before. I went out with a friend to a bar. By the time the night was over, I was missing part of my front tooth. Long story but basically a drunk girl hit me with a bottle and broke my tooth. So I spent the rest of the night filing a police report and my Thanksgiving morning having my tooth repaired. Lovely. The more time I spend on this earth, the less I like people. I have been drunk before. Never once did I ever commit an act of violence against anyone, especially a complete stranger. Unbelievable. I am still in shock. Well I'll have that girl know that she messed with the wrong person because I will see her ass in court. She will pay for every dime it cost to fix my tooth and every last tear I shed that night. Unbelievable! Today I Feel:

TWENTY-SOMETHING years old...

They call it the "Quarter-Life Crisis". It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom - and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too, and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself...and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. This is a forward I received recently. I can relate to it a lot. Today I Feel:

Cute pic

My favorite football player!

Changes

So I finally figured out how to make changes to my blog. I now have a link bar and have changed the colors. Like it? Looks like I'll be living in my car this weekend. Road trip!

Big Business

Universities are nothing more than a big business. I get a phone call today, a class I need has been cancelled. How convenient, they wait until all freshmen are eligible to register. Surprise all the sections of a course seniors need to graduate are now full. Now I need to take a summer course and can't graduate in the spring. It is just a mere $1,000 for a single class. Grrrr. My story isn't unique and it just pisses me off! Higher education is just another cut throat business like all the rest. I can't wait to graduate . . . this summer. Ridiculous! Today I Feel:

I needed a break from my paper

Are You Naughty or Nice? Most people think you're as good as gold. We know better. Sure, you're generally a by-the-book, law-abiding model citizen, but every once in a while you like to break a rule or three. Skinny dipping? Done it. Had a drink too many now and then? Guilty as charged. But chances are that's pretty much the worst of it. We all have a few skeletons in our closet, but when it comes right down to it, you're a nice person. You wouldn't dream of making a serious play for your best friend's squeeze, and you always pay your traffic fines — speeding and parking tickets. It's a good balance. If everyone was like you, the world would be a happier place, so keep it up! What Kind of Girlfriend Are You? Steady Supporter - Stand by your man — that's just something you naturally do. Once you've committed to a relationship, you are a constant companion who enjoys the comfort and stability that comes from being a couple. Not quick to judge, accuse, or think the worst, you have a lot of trust (in him and in yourself), and you rarely worry about where he is or who he's with.For you, mutual respect is of utmost importance. You are comfortable and confident in your own skin, making you a great pillar of strength in all your relationships. Whether he's striving to climb a mountain or land a promotion, you have his back. Best part is, you know he's got yours too. What's Your Wedding Wish? Let Love Rule - Of course you want to be married in a gorgeous location in a fabulous dress! But when it comes your wedding, what's most important to you is spending time with the people you care about. After all, this is an occasion that honors love, respect, and commitment between people, so it's no surprise that you also want to celebrate the people who helped you get there.You're probably a wedding planner who likes to ask for advice when making the bigger decisions, and you're not afraid to delegate duties to close friends and family. You see this as everyone's celebration, so it's of utmost importance to you that everyone feels welcome and a part of the festivities. And that's how happily ever after begins. www.tickle.com Today I feel:

Ok

My dog is pissing me off. I just took him for a long walk out in the freezing cold. He took care of business. Then, like ten minutes later, he is whining at the door again! Hello? It is after midnight, you just went out! Grrrr. If I get all bundled up and go back out there, there better be a good reason! I hate winter . . . He's mocking me. Today I Feel:

What a night

I just had a wonderful evening. I couldn't have asked for more. I had a fabulous dinner with Yoni's family and friends from California. His Mom is an amazing cook and the conversation was great. The best part of the night was just snuggling with Yoni and talking. We haven't seen each other in 2 weeks! We talked about school, marriage, religion, family, and life. I am so blessed to have such an amazing person in my life. He always reminds me I need to fight for what I want in life. He reaffirmed all the feelings I had in my recent inventory. I have really been hurt a lot in my relationship with my Mom. Recently, I have felt she has been emotionally unavailable and this is a time in my life when I really need her. I have a lot going on in my life and I would like to be able to share it with her. I think mostly I miss her in planning my wedding. Most mothers are very involved in their daughter's wedding planning. I can't say the same. It hurts. All my married friends had highly involved and supportive mothers. I even wrote her an e-mail about all the planning I have done and asked her if and how she would like to get involved. No response. I've talked to her about it as well. She always turns the conversation into something else. My little brother even asked me how the planning was going. He actually sat down with me and went through my little wedding planner. I told him everything I'd been up to and the plans I have. He was really interested and excited for me and it meant a lot. There are other supportive peoplein my life who are all excited for me and have expressed interest in being involved in the planning. Don't get me wrong I am extremely grateful for them. But this is something you want your own mother to be involved in as well. No one else can take her place. You know? Yoni said I should tell my Mom how I am feeling. I am so used to trying to keep the peace in my relationship with my Mother and usually tip toe around emotional subjects. But he is right. I should be able to talk to her about it. She IS my mother after all. You only get married once. If she chooses not to be involved, then at least I would have tried. I just need to muster up the courage and talk to her about it. I guess I didn't realize how much it was affecting me until our conversation tonight. Like I said before it is time to stop letting life dictate things. It is time I fight for what I want in life. I am worth fighting for. I have a lot to work through. I'm going to do that from bed. It is 3am after all! Today I feel: joyful girl i do it for the joy it brings because i'm a joyful girl because the world owes me nothing and we owe each other the world i do it because it's the least i can do i do it because i learned it from you and i do it just because i want to because i want to everything i do is judged and they mostly get it wrong but oh well 'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged and the woman who lives there can tell the truth from the stuff that they say and she looks me in the eye and says would you prefer the easy way no, well o.k. then don't cry i wonder if everything i do i do instead of something i want to do more the question fills my head i know there's no grand plan here this is just the way it goes when everything else seems unclear i guess at least i know i do it for the joy it brings because i'm a joyful girl because the world owes me nothing and we owe each other the world i do it because it's the least i can do i do it because i learned it from you and i do it just because i want to because i want to -Ani DiFranco http://www.danah.org/Ani/

Rain, rain, go away!

It's raining - again. I hate when it is all rainy and gloomy. Yuck! I took my dog to the vet today. Poor guy has a terrible ear infection. They gave him two different medicines to take for the next two weeks. I had better stock up on treats; there is no way Trek will cooperate otherwise. I have dinner with the in-laws-to-be in about an hour. Then I'll spend the rest of the evening with Yoni. I haven't seen him all week so that will be nice. Well, I need to shower and all that jazz. Then it is back out into the rain . . . Today I Feel:

Life is not fair!

You hear that all the time. And yes it is true, life is not fair. Life is not fair at all. As I was thinking about what to blog tonight, I was reminded of a case I worked over a year ago. I wrote this on the way home from the interview: Shot and killed. A nightmare. My reality. I often wonder . . . What went through his head? Besides the bullets His child? Me? His father. Children at play. Darkness. God. That bitch. Yes, guilty. Well, no - - not guilty I was only defending What little was left of me When he was on top of me I’d wish his weight would crush my chest That he would not notice I have ceased to breathe. You see my body, beaten, broken. But when I saw the way he looked at innocence I shot and killed evil. I was only defending What little was left of me My child. As far as I know, she is still in jail and her child is in foster care. Yeah, life is not fair. But I hope this puts things in perspective. It did for me. Today I Feel:

thirty two flavors

Excerpts from my favorite Ani DiFranco song: squint your eyes and look closer i'm not between you and your ambition i am a poster girl with no poster i am thirty-two flavors and then some and i'm beyond your peripheral vision so you might want to turn your head . . . and god help you if you are an ugly girl course too pretty is also your doom cause everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room and god help you if you are a phoenix and you dare to rise up from the ash a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy while you are just flying past i'm not trying to give my life meaning by demeaning you and i would like to state for the record i did everything that i could do i'm not saying that i'm a saint i just don't want to live that way no, i will never be a saint but i will always say squint your eyes and look closer i'm not between you and your ambition i am a poster girl with no poster i am thirty-two flavors and then some and i'm beyond your peripheral vision so you might want to turn your head . . . Today I Feel:

Inventory

I think it is important to take inventory in life every once in a while. By that I mean, take a look at who and what is important in life. It has been a long time since I've taken inventory. Recently I have just let life dictate things. I have done more existing than living. I wasn't in a very introspective mood at the start of the day. It is funny how things progressed. I decided to talk with my philosophy professor after class today. I've hated every second of every class. I was hoping he'd say something to help me get through the rest of the semester. He did. It turns out he has a lot more to offer than it seems. We must have talked over an hour. We talked about life in a way I have never talked about it before. It was like he knew me better in the first few minutes of our conversation than people I've known for years. Amazing. My mind was racing the whole way home. After class, I had dinner with an old friend from high school. I hadn't seen her in a couple of years. We spent dinner catching up. We talked about all the things that have happened in our lives since we last saw each other. But mostly, we talked about all the people that had walked in and out of our lives. A lot of people have walked out. I wonder if that is part of growing up. Sure I have people in my life. We go out to lunch, hit local bars, talk on the phone, and even take road trips together. There was a time I'd call these people friends. But nearly a year ago, I took inventory. There were too many people in my life taking more than they gave. Anyone could count on me to be there for them. But when I looked for a shoulder to lean on, there was scarcely anyone there. At that point, I decided not to put any energy into superficial relationships. At first it was a hard thing to do. I was so used to giving more than I received. Slowly, I began to expect more from others. I haven't looked back. Now when someone I don't consider a friend asks to go to lunch, we go to lunch. I just enjoy the meal. When we take a road trip, I enjoy the drive. And when they call to tell me all their problems, I still listen. But that's it. I'll just listen. Amazing. Dinner was really nice. It was fun to recall all the crazy stuff we did growing up. It was nice to hear she is doing well. I went for a drive after dinner. Nowhere to go; just needed to get out of the house. It was time for inventory. Not of who, but of WHAT is important in my life. I thought about how my actions have shaped my life thus far. And as always, I thought about my future. I think . . . Actually I KNOW my biggest problem is I spend way too much energy regretting the past and worrying over the future. By the time I get to living today, I'm spent. I've always known that about my self. I've just never done anything about it. Tonight was different. I thought about my actions today. I thought about my attitudes today. I thought about my feelings today. I didn’t like what I saw. That is not how I want to spend my life. It is time I stop letting things happen and start making things happen. I already know next year is going to be much different than all the others before. Not just because I am finishing school, getting married, or relocating. I feel like a cover has been lifted. For the first time I can really see me: she is beautiful. Amazing. Today I Feel:

Ani for the day

You Had Time How can I go home, with nothing to say? I know you’re going to look at me that way. And say, “What did you do out there? What did you decide? You said you needed time and you had time.” You are a china shop, and I am a bull. You are really good food, and I am full. I guess everything is timing. I guess everything's been said. So, I am coming home with an empty head. You’ll say, “Did they love you or what?” I’ll say, “They love what I do. The only one who really loves me is you.” And you’ll say, “Girl did you kick some butt?” And I’ll say, “I don’t really remember. But my fingers are sore and my voice is too.” You’ll say, “It’s really good to see you.” You’ll say, “I missed you horribly.” You’ll say, “Let me carry a bag, give that to me.” And you will take the heavy stuff. And you will drive the car. And I’ll look out the window and make jokes. About the way things are. How can I go home, with nothing to say? I know you’re going to look at me that way. And say, “What did you do out there? What did you decide? You said you needed time and you had time.” You haaad time, you haaad time, you haaad time, You had time. -Ani DiFranco Today I Feel:

It's About Time!

A few thousand phone calls and web searches later, I found a Rabbi that performs interfaith ceremonies. Who would of thought that in the end all it took was a conversation with a former co-worker and two phone calls. The Rabbi has been performing interfaith ceremonies for many years. He will co-officiate and he has agreed to officiate at our wedding!! I am so excited! Now I just need a minister . . . But I think the biggest challenge is behind me. Too bad Yoni is out of town; I guess I'll have to celebrate without him. This moment is deserving of chocolate! Today I Feel: Then it's back to school work. :0/

I Couldn't Resist

Everyone seems to have an opinion on the recent election. And from what I read, everyone thinks that their view is right. I couldn't resist adding my own two cents. I'm not upset that Kerry lost. I'm not happy that Bush won. In fact, I didn't like either candidate. I think the Democratic Party made a huge mistake nominating Kerry in the first place. They couldn't find someone else? Right now, America needs a strong leader who knows where he stands. Kerry is by no means, such a person. Don't get me wrong, I don't like Bush, but I think he is the lesser of the two evils. At least I know where Bush stands. I may not agree with where he stands but at least I know where that is. He's already done the major damage, so what's four more years? Kerry on the other hand, didn't convince me that he had a clue what he thought about anything. Who knows what Kerry would have done if he had gotten into office? His campaign spent too much time criticizing Bush. That's not hard to do, doesn't take a rocket scientist. Anyone can go back and point out the mistakes. I was waiting to hear what Kerry would do as president. What would he do as leader of this great nation to fix the problems? I'm still waiting for the answer to that one. I just hope that somewhere in the United States, there is a strong leader and that they are pissed off about the leadership of this country. I hope this person is crystal clear on their views and their plans for this country. I hope this person is a leader worthy of this nation's trust. Oh yeah, and I hope they are rich enough to run for president in four years . . . Today I Feel:

The highlight . . .

. . . of my day was waking up to sunshine. It rained all day on Thursday, so it was really nice to see the sun again. I'm not feeling inspired to write, so I'll let this be it.

Today was a bad day to be a woman.

This morning I had Advil and tea for breakfast. Today was a bad day to be a woman. Then I had Advil and more tea for lunch. Today was a bad day to be a woman. By late afternoon I could think clearly again. Today was uneventful, in every sense of the word. I did a little cleaning, even less homework, and mostly wasted the day chatting online and browsing the net. Everyone deserves a lazy day once in a while. Today was my day. This evening Yoni and I went to the college to work on my ceramics project. I haven't seen him all week, so it was nice. It is funny to see him try to make something on the potter's wheel. I'm bad, but he's worse. He's like a little kid, it is so cute. I've come to really look forward to our Wednesday night "ceramics dates". The hug before he left tonight could never have been long enough. I never thought a hug could feel so good. I missed him before he even got into the car to drive away. I can't wait until we get married. Then I'll only miss him when he is on business trips instead of every night. He's leaving for Israel for a month on the 19th. I'll have to celebrate my birthday and Thanksgiving without him. It'll be tough, but I've done it before. Each day I love him more so it won't be easy. I sound like a love sick puppy. It must be all the hormones. Today was a bad day to be a woman. I'm going to walk the dog and go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be productive and a good day to be a woman. G'night. Today I Feel:

The Planning Process

Planning a wedding can be a daunting task; so many details that need to be planned for one day. Well, in our case, two days. Long story but we are getting married twice: a civil and a religious ceremony. Even that can't be simple, we are an interfaith couple: he's Jewish and I'm Christian. Oh yeah, and our civil ceremony will be in Florida aboard a cruise ship. So let's just say, there is a lot of planning that needs to be done to pull this off. I spent the first year of our engagement looking through the two bridal magazines my Mom ordered subscriptions for. I even went and tried on a few dresses (hated them all). That was a great year and I have a notebook full of ideas. Gone are the daydreams of the perfect wedding. Now is time for action; time to make it happen. Fortunately, we have had a long engagement for which I am grateful. It has given us time to work on our relationship and not stress on trying to plan a wedding quickly. It has even helped those family members who disapprove of our wedding plans or the marriage altogether, for whatever reasons, to soften their hearts a bit. Even a couple of stubborn old men, who shall remain nameless, are coming around. It's encouraging to see the transformations and our wedding will be a more joyous occasion because of it. Back to the planning process. What has been accomplished so far: The headache of creating a guest list is complete. My Dad's side of the family is huge and nearly all of them live in Maryland. My Mom's side of the family is small and they all live on the west coast. My fiancé’s family lives primarily in Israel, with some family in the U.S. and Canada. We wanted a small intimate affair and my Dad wants a huge family affair. So that is how we ended up having two weddings. A small affair in Florida and a large one here in Maryland. Life is about compromise and we've certainly done our share. I've designed and posted Our Wedding Website and we are very satisfied with its outcome and the reactions from family and friends. Everyone seems to love it and find it useful. It is great that we can provide everyone with the info they'll need if they are planning to attend our wedding. We have avoided the million phone calls I'm sure we would have received without it. All the information they need is on the site. It's great! I recommend creating a wedding website to anyone who is getting married. We designed, printed, and mailed save-the-date cards for the Florida wedding. That went smoother than anticipated. I did the designing and printing and Yoni and my Mom were a great help stuffing, stamping, and sealing envelopes. We reserved a block of cabins aboard the cruise ship. Booked a caterer for the Maryland reception. It feels good to write that out. Now I feel like something has been accomplished. Still left to do: EVERYTHING!!! It's okay; still have just over a year to plan everything. A wedding coordinator is handling the Miami wedding. I just have to find a dress, get the marriage license, and make travel arrangements. The Maryland wedding is where all the work is. Right now we are looking for a place. We are planning a morning ceremony with brunch to follow. We are anticipating 200+ guests. We want a space where we can have the ceremony and reception in the same building and bring in our caterer. If you have any ideas, please feel free to share! My Dad has taken on the task of finding a place so I am leaving that up to him. I'm busy with school work right now, but December 17th I'll hit the ground running. Watch out! I am sooo sorry about the rambling. I'll try not to do that again. ;0)

Climbing Through Life

Today I Feel: I guess I like rock climbing because it is a true combination of mind and body. You have to plan your route before you begin a difficult climb. If you do all of your thinking on the wall, you will find yourself in a difficult, avoidable situation. Sure, you can muscle your way through a tough spot. However, if you do that too many times, you will be left with a fatigued body. A body that will not be available for one last climb three hours from now. A well-planned climb will reserve your energy for times when you must use raw strength to continue. Watching an expert climber, you see as much skill and grace as shown by any professional dancer. It is as though they are dancing up the wall. Why? They plan every move before it is taken. They concentrate on details such as hip position, foot placement, and grip on every hold as they climb. While I am by no means an expert, I understand the mechanics of a successful ascent and am vigilant as I climb. I just wish I'd remember to apply some of these lessons to my life beyond the wall . . . Climbing . . .