The pink had to go!

What was I thinking?! Brea, a pink blog?? That was definitely the result of severe boredom at work. I am going with a citrusy (is that a word?) theme. I think this one will be around a while. Enjoy!

Not in a writing mood

I feel great right now, but it has been a long day and it is definitely bedtime. Smilely for the Day:

"In love, self-love is always at risk." -Mason Cooley

What a shitty morning!

I got absolutely NO sleep last night. After having breakfast, I dozed off on the couch. Within minutes I awoke to, "Brea, Trek got out!" In my dazed condition, I thought he was in the backyard and had somehow gotten loose. No such luck, that little escape artist had gotten out the front door - AGAIN. So once I was somewhat coherent, my next thought was a four letter word. After several more profanities, I went out to look for him on this gloomy Monday morning. Oh and by the way, thank you weather man for the false hope of classes being snowed out this morning. Seriously, I should apply for that job. I can just make up whatever weather prediction suits me that day and get paid lots of money to be wrong half the time. Grrr. They went to school for that?! I'm not bitter, really. NEway, I wasn't too worried, I knew from experience it is easy to spot his black and white coat through the bare trees. It was just a matter of getting his attention with the treat bag. I walked over to the woods and he was nowhere in sight. I walked along the tree line calling his name, nothing. Not even the sound of the tags on his collar. I was concerned, but not panicked. I got in my car and drove the entire neighborhood calling his name. Nothing. Twenty minutes had passed. NOW I started to panic. I called Bram, not sure why, it's not like he could do anything. I guess I knew he would be calm about the situation. He's not excitable when it comes to Trek and I was getting increasingly panicked. He was reassuring, reminding me that he always comes back. And just as I was at wits end, he came bouncing up the street. I put him in the car and drove him home. What a relief! I am so not ready for kids. Smilely for the Day:

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it.... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more." -Erica Jong "To accept one's past--one's history--is not the same thing as drowning in it; it is learning how to use it." -James Baldwin

Ok so I lied

I'm not over him. Not at all. My heart is seriously broken. This is the feeling I've heard about in so many songs. I'm trying so hard not to care, but I do. I do so much. I know I made the right decision, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. *sigh* Time heals all wounds, right? Smiley for the Day:

My day in away messages

This weekend is going to suck. Feel free to call me and tell me how much fun you are having so that I can live vicariously through you. :-\ Out running in the @#$%ing cold. Then straight to the shower to thaw my extremities. O:-) When I am hungry, I eat. It is as simple as that! :-D Sometimes, procrastination DOESN'T work. :-\ If you are one of those bastards who is already finished with school, don't bother messaging me>:o Doing what I do most of my waking hours . . . EATING:-D I just love to study. Why sleep or have fun when you can study??? I've decided to spend the remainder of my evening "offline". After finishing this post I am going to visit a friend and then it's back to studying. I have two exams and a paper due next week. Fun, fun, fun. I think I am finally over the break up with Yoni. I looked at old pictures today and saw how happy we once were. We haven't been that way for a long time. Over the last few weeks, I have gone back and forth with my feelings. Talk about an emotional roller coaster! One second I was angry with him, another I'd miss him, another I'd question my decision to end it, and the next I was sure I did the right thing. The casual way in which our last conversation ended made it crystal clear that I had made the right decision. He was my first love and as such he will always hold a special place in my heart. However, he has changed, I have changed, and what was is no longer. It's neither good nor bad, it just is. "The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end." -Benjamin Disraeli

Did I miss something?

Just days after I ended our engagement, I still wanted to try to make it work . . . XXxxxxx: tell me what u want me to do? bReA7mD: I am not asking for blood - i am just asking that you include me in your life and make me a priority not 4th 5th and 6th place bReA7mD: do you see at all what i am trying to show you? XXxxxxx: yes but its too late now bReA7mD: well thank you for saying that - b/c all along all i heard was "stop attacking me" - i am not trying to attack you i am trying to show you why we are drifting apart - the things that you do that hurt me bReA7mD: it may be different situations - but it is the same mistake everytime and you always explain it away and don't understand that by not calling me or telling me things it makes me feel like you don’t care - and you may care very much - but i am telling you what i need XXxxxxx: i don’t know how to react to that. XXxxxxx: i am not sure if i used the right words bReA7mD: react to what i just said? XXxxxxx: yeah and to what i did bReA7mD: do you understand that just b/c something is not important to you it doesn't mean that it is not to me? XXxxxxx: I understand that. bReA7mD: don't you understand that i want you to share these things with me and it hurts me when you don't? XXxxxxx: but i don’t understand why i did what i did. bReA7mD: b/c you were doing what you need instead of thinking about how i might feel - if the tables were reversed - you probably wouldn't care if i didn't call or didn't tell you things bReA7mD: but i am not you - i have different needs - i need to hear things XXxxxxx: i understand. bReA7mD: and when you don't share your thoughts and feeling i feel hurt and disconnected and it makes me lose feelings for you XXxxxxx: i understand it now bReA7mD: I love you Xxxx and I want to spend my life with you - but i can't keep telling you how to make me feel important in your life - i can't force you to see those things, it's either you do or you don't bReA7mD: know what i mean? XXxxxxx: yeah i do. XXxxxxx: yes i do understand what you mean bReA7mD: ok i'm glad you understand now XXxxxxx: yeah now that its too late. XXxxxxx: i feel like a dumbass A month later, this is how a four year relationship ended . . . XXxxxxx: i called you last night XXxxxxx: twice bReA7mD: oh XXxxxxx: you didn't see? bReA7mD: yeah i did XXxxxxx: oh XXxxxxx: just didn't feel like calling back? bReA7mD: you and i are not going to work as friends or otherwise - there r things about me that r such a huge part of who i am and you can't understand them - i need people in my life who appreciate who i am and r accepting of who i am bReA7mD: i'm not interested in any more shallow conversations XXxxxxx: ok bye bye bReA7mD: bye Feel the love.

My mouth has said it before . . .

. . . my hands have written it before. But this time, my heart is screaming: Enough! You may recall a post back in January titled: When is it going to be enough? That day has come. It has been enough. It has absolutely, positively been enough. I have a strong personality. There is no debate about that. I am not going to apologize for it. There is so much to me at so many levels. My whole life I have been told what I think and feel is not important. I have suppressed and denied huge parts of myself because others were unable to accept me. I now realize that I have every right to be who I am. I am deserving of people in my life who appreciate and accept that. And so . . . I am not going to talk when it is clear you cannot hear me. I am not going to be the only one who is constantly reaching out. I am not going to let you continue to hurt me. I am not going to let you make me feel unimportant. I am not going to wait any longer for you to change. I am not going to let you discount or ignore my feelings. I am not going to settle for last place. I am not going to let my heart be trampled on. I am not going to carry the entire emotional burden for any relationship. I am not going to listen to the same excuses. I am not going to settle. I am not going to be unhappy. It has been enough.

letting the telephone ring

i am letting the telephone ring cause i don't want to know why i don't want to hear you explain i don't want to hear you cry i have written so much about you so much i thought i knew words like water used to flow now what could i possibly have to say? she is someone i don't even know and all the things that you've given to me i see now were simply reparations they were gifts of your guilt they were my preparation i know i should be mature keep my feet on the floor but for some reason, i just don't want them anymore i know this shouldn't be important compared to you and i but i can still hear my questions and i can still hear you i can still hear you lie now vicariously i have her in me i want to peel off my skin let the water wash in you always said that i was hiding that i was hiding from you but you are capable of things i could not do you are capable of things i could not do i remember how you pretended how you pretended to touch me i remember how i couldn't bring myself to believe i remember wondering, what was wrong what was wrong how could i be so naive how could i be so naive? -Ani DiFranco

Hump Day

Not that hump! Hump Day = Wednesday. Only two more days to get through this week. The semester has started off on the right foot: 96% and 97% on my first two exams. Woo hoo! I have two more next week. I'm thinking, not much room for fun this weekend. My psychopharamcology exam has me scared. It covers 5 chapters and I can't say I've been following the professor for the last two. A lot of blank stares. Fortunately, I have a study partner. Hopefully, we can figure it out this weekend. The training is going very well. I am much less sore, although it still hurts to walk down stairs. Today was an easy day, just cross training. Tomorrow another 3-miler. I hope it is easier than last time! I have so many thoughts running though my head. I haven't really blogged much about them, not that I don't want to. It's just that I know certain people read my blog and I hate that they have privy to my inner most thoughts. Especially when so often they refuse to share their own or to communicate on a deeper level. So, I'll just continue to write about the trivial happenings of my life until I have things figured out. If you really want to know what is going on with me, ask. I feel like I may need to move this space. It no longer feels "safe". Hmmm, something to think about. Smilely for the Day:

The Nomadic Life

Living in 2 places begins to take its toll . . . Trek is confused But very cute!

That's what I get!

I can not believe how out of shape I am. I have seriously just let myself go. Fortunately my metabolism has kept me in the single digit clothing size. However, if you are looking for muscle tone, you have come to the wrong body. Getting back into shape is a B - I - T - C - H! I am in so much pain right now. It hurts to walk down stairs from the run this weekend. Tonight my brother showed me some strength training exercises. We did some floor work as well: crunches, leg lifts, push ups, ect. So not only will I not be able to walk down stairs tomorrow, I won't be able to hold the railing either. Lovely. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, this is exactly what I get for getting so far out of shape. But complaining does somehow make me feel better! Three miles tomorrow . . . Smiley for the Day:

I did it!

Well, not really . . . I was supposed to run 4 miles today. I instead did 3. But I DID run the entire way! What I don't understand is how Trek has so much energy. He was wanting to play when we finished and I just wanted to die. My joints hurt and I felt like passing out. I stumbled back home and after a few minutes, I felt better. Now I am hungry. I'm going to feed my face and get to studying for my exam tomorrow. Hope everyone had a great weekend! "Pain is weakness leaving the body." Smilely for the Day:

I hate feeling this way

I can't even put into words the way I feel right now. Not even Ani can sing for me tonight. I am so tired: physically and emotionally. I hate how you can just walk in and out of my life and leave me to clean up the mess you leave. I hate how you try to explain away your actions and my feelings. I deserve to have people in my life who do what they say they will do. If you can't do that, you are not welcome here anymore. I'm sure you are having a great time right now. Thank you for ruining my night. Smiley for the Day:

The beaded ladies of Iguana

The roomies partying it up!

People don't change.

If you are lucky, they will say what you want to hear. But they won't change. I thought for so long everything was my fault. Now I know that is not the case. I must have doormat written on my forehead. Smiley for the Day:

I am all messed up!

Someone please tell me why I am up at 1am when I have class at 8am . . . my sleep schedule is all messed up! It all started last night, I was up late studying for my exam. Then I got up early to finish studying. I was at school by 9am. I was thinking, "great I'll have half an hour to go over everything one last time". WRONG! Someone please tell me why I paid over $100 to park my car for the semester when there are no parking spaces! I drove around for 20 minutes along with 50 other cars. I started to get pissed off, not to mention the fact I was burning up gas and going to be late for my exam. So, being the resourceful person I am, I offered a girl walking up to the garage a ride to her car. To my relief she accepted and I took her spot. I got to class just in time. I finished the exam in about the time it took to park my car. Ridiculous! What did I do after class? That's right, I went home and straight to bed. After work, I "ran" 3 miles. Let me tell you, it was not pretty. It was more walking, crawling, and rolling than anything. Hey, the training manual says it was not important how quickly I "ran" but that I covered the distance. So I covered the distance my way ;0) Let me back track a minute . . . at the beginning of the semester, I had this genius idea to get back in shape by joining a team of students and staff from school in training for a half marathon in 12-weeks. I have never ran more than three miles in my life and even that was back in high school. I don't even want to know what kind of pain I am going to be in tomorrow! So what did I do after the run? That's right, shower and bed. Hence the complete screwing up of my sleep schedule. Now I am going to have to go to class tomorrow night since I slept through class tonight. Lovely. It is going to suck to be me tomorrow. Smiley for the Day:

Red Eyes in the Night

I don't think I have ever been so scared in my life. Last night Trek was out in the backyard and he started to bark incessantly. I went to check it out. I see a set of eyes at the top of the hill glowing red. It was a fox. It didn't even care that I was there or that a 100 lb. dog was barking at it. It just stood there and stared. I was freaking out and Trek was refusing to come in. He was at the end of his tie-out barking and jumping in the direction of the fox. Fortunately, Yoni was visiting and got Trek to come in. I refused to go outside the rest of the night. Aren't foxes supposed to be scared of people and hunting dogs?! Yikes! Smilely for the Day:

Damn, the weekend is over already?

It is unbelievable how quickly the weekend goes by. I mean seriously, a bad Monday never goes as quickly . . . NEway. Friday was uneventful, Saturday was another day of confusion, but by Saturday night things were looking up. I went to a new bar with friends Saturday night and had a really good time. But Sunday was amazing. If I could bottle up the day and save it, I would. Although it turned out to be a great day, Sunday morning wasn't pretty. I was so tired and my Mom came early to pick me up for church, ending my shower way before I was ready to get out. We were just a few minutes late and the service was nice. After church, it was off to breakfast with my Mom, Bram, and Yoni. We had a nice time eating at one of my favorite spots, Eggspectation (everyone knows how much I love breakfast food). Yummy! After breakfast I felt like a stuffed pig, a very tired stuffed pig. Bram and I lounged around the house and watched TV for a couple hours. After the strain of watching TV, I was feeling less stuffed and did some cleaning and very little homework. Yoni invited me to go to a park by his house. It was so nice. The sun was shining and the dogs were thoroughly enjoying themselves. About 20 minutes into the walk, Yoni initiated a serious conversation! I was so surprised. It was what I have wanted for the last six months. It was like all the frustration and hurt feelings were lifted. It was as if we were leaving our past in those woods as we walked. Amazing. I felt so close to him after the conversation. I had dinner with his family and then snuggled with him as we watched a movie. It was such a nice day. I wish I could just bottle up the day. Then I could have it saved in case I get hurt again. The day in the bottle would remind of what it felt like to want to be nowhere else with no one else: to feel pure love. As much as I want things to get better, there is a part of me that is not buying it. He has "gotten it" before, but quickly things reverted back to the way they were. This is the last time I am putting my heart on the line. I cannot stand to be hurt anymore. I want it to work out but if it doesn't, it really is goodbye this time. ". . . and i'm at the end of my little rope and i am swinging back and forth about you . . ." -Ani DiFranco excerpt from Done Wrong Smiley for the Day:

dilate

life used to be life-like now it's more like show biz i wake up in the night and i don't know where the bathroom is and i don't know what town i'm in or what sky i am under and i wake up in the darkness and i don't have the will anymore to wonder everyone has a skeleton and a closet to keep it in . . . when i need to wipe my face i use the back of my hand and i like to take up space just because i can and i use my dress to wipe up my drink i care less and less what people think and you are so lame you always disappoint me it's kinda like our running joke but it's really not funny i just want you to live up to the image of you i created i see you and i'm so unsatisfied i see you and i dilate so i'll walk the plank and i'll jump with a smile if i'm gonna go down i'm gonna do it with style and you won't see me surrender you won't hear me confess 'cuz you've left me with nothing but i've worked with less and i learn every room long enough to make it to the door and then i hear it click shut behind me and every key works differently i forget every time and the forgetting defines me that's what defines me when i say you sucked my brain out the english translation is i am in love with you and it is no fun but i don't use words like love 'cuz words like that don't matter but don't look so offended you know, you should be flattered i wake up in the night in some big hotel bed my hands grope for the light my hands grope for my head the world is my oyster the road is my home and i know that i'm better off alone -Ani DiFranco

I am glad to report . . .

. . . today was much better than yesterday. I almost hit a deer last night, then there was the dog chasing in the morning and the worst class of my life after that, so I guess that is no great feat. I've been actively trying to find a campus group to get involved with this semester. One of the campus groups had a break dancing expo today. It was so much fun! The dancers are so awesome to watch. It is amazing the moves they make. I talked with one of the guys before the performance and he later called me on stage during the performance: embarrassing but tons of fun! The group that sponsored the event meets bi-monthly, so I am going to attend their next meeting. I also found a group that is training for a half marathon and another that does outdoor trips throughout the semester. Can we say road running and backpacking?! I think we can! That is two of my goals for the year. Woo hoo! There is a student involvement fair next week. I am looking forward to finding some other groups to plug in to. Well, I am going to try to get to bed early for a change. Goodnight! Smiley for the Day:

Today started off with a bang!

What was I doing at 7am? That's right, looking for Trek. The little booger decided he was going out with me to start the car whether I liked it or not! He disappeared among the snow covered homes in a matter of seconds. I quickly decided that standing out in the middle of the street, calling his name, wasn't going to work. I brought out the heavy artillery: the treat bag. He came bouncing down the street and ran into the house awaiting his reward. I figured there was no point yelling at him for running out of the house in the first place, I am sure he had completely forgotten at that point. I gave him a treat and lots of praise for making the decision to come back (albeit just for a treat!). As fun as it was retrieving the little convict, I was now going to be late to school. And late I was, really late. You know, to the point where you debate going to class at all. I went and in a matter of minutes, I wish I hadn't. The class was so incredibly boring. So boring in fact, several people just got up and walked out. I suffered through it. Afterall, I HAD been 20 minutes late. What a wonderful morning. Smiley for the Day: