Much Needed

I've been pretty low energy for a few weeks now. I’m used to having my weeks packed with various activities. More recently, it has been mostly work and no play. This weekend started out no different. Friday: I spent the majority of the day moving my brother into his dorm. That evening, I went into work and didn't finish inventory until nearly 11pm. Knowing I had to be back at work 7am the next morning, nothing was getting between me and my pillow. Saturday: I went to work, went shopping, and blew off plans with friends. I turned down a night out with the girls, bar hopping in Canton!!! **sigh** My brother called me 15 times throughout the day asking if I was coming to visit. Knowing I'm WAAAAY past the days of college keg parties - I agreed to be the designated driver and pick him and his friends up from a party at 2am. So at 1am I rolled out of bed to go pick them up. I wish I could say that I went to bed at that point. But no, I didn’t. Let’s just say before the night was over: I took shots of cheap vodka chased with fruit punch soda, walked an hour in a torrential downpour, stood outside a campus library like a police line-up with eight freshman college boys watching the afore mentioned downpour, was laughed at by campus police, ate countless ho-hos and ate easy mac with a kitchen spoon. Thank God I have an awesome brother, who slept on the floor so that I could have his bed. There were kids everywhere: one under each desk, one by the door, one by the a/c unit, and two in the middle of the room. I went to bed thinking, “Brea, you are too old for this shit!” But I must say it was a whole lot funnier in the morning. Damn near hilarious actually. I like that I am the “cool sister” and that I got to share in my brother’s first weekend of college partying. I like the fact that he and his friends wanted me to be a part of it. I wouldn’t do it again but I’m glad I was there the first time. I must say, I was really worried that my brother’s leaving for college would leave a void. This weekend was very much needed. I know he is going to be fine and I am going to be fine. He’s growing up, I’m already grown, and we don’t need to see each other every day to remain close. Family is not always what it is cracked up to be, but when it is, it is awesome. My brother and his roommate eating easy mac with kitchen untensils. Priceless. Sunday: Finished my day on campus: ate horrible cafeteria food with my brother and his friends, re-did Del's twists, and helped him finalize his schedule. Then I started a week dedicated to focusing on areas of my life that need organization and/or decisions. After rolling up my sleeves and digging in, the bar guy called. We talked for over an hour exploring the areas of miscommunication and setting up the boundaries we both need. I'm making progress one thing at a time with less and less weighing on my mind. Smiley for the Day:

Spammers suck

As you may or may not have noticed, blogger now offers comment spam protection. I didn't have a need for it until this weekend when my blog was spammed 4 different times. Soooo . . . ... you will have to hit a few more keys to post a comment on my blog. Sorry. It is bad enough to have to deal with e-mail spam! Smiely for the Day:

Quotes and a metaphor.

"Relationships are like glass: Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself trying to put it back together." - Source Unknown "Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it.... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more." - Erica Jong Posted by Picasa So, last night the bar guy and I came to the decision that what is going on between us cannot continue as is. What that means, I think is still yet to be determined. When I came home, I took the picture above. Trek had knocked it down in the pursuit of a beef jerky treat I had left in plain view like a dumb ass. The glass bowl contained the dried rose petals of one of the first bouquets of roses Yoni had given me. Now that the bowl is broken, do I salvage the rose petals or do I throw them away? Is it something I hold on to, or something I let go? Decisions... Smiley for the Day:

What is in a name? (Part Two)

Since I have WAY too much time on my hands . . . after posting part one, I researched the meaning of my name: Brea Origin: from the Irish/Gaelic name Bré­ghe (minor Irish god, member of the Tuatha Dé Danann) Meaning: honorable & noble; light & lovely; grand; fine & good; I then looked up the names of people close to me: Chiquita - family friend Origin: Spanish Meaning: "little one" Deb - childhood friend Origin: Hebrew (biblical prophetess who wrote a victory song after a battle which is part of the book of Judges) Meaning: "bee"; "an industrious woman" Delsin - my brother Origin: Native American Meaning: "he is so" Ed - the bar guy Origin: Old English Meaning: "guardian of prosperity" Ella - my mom Origin: Old English/German Meaning: "beautiful fairy woman" Jacob - my first born son- the one I haven't had yet ;) Origin: Hebrew (biblical patriarch of the Jewish people) Meaning: "held by the heel"; "he who supplants"; conqueror Jessica - friend Origin: Hebrew Meaning: "God sees"; "God's grace" Ron - my dad Origin: Old Norse Meaning: "ruler's counselor"; mighty; powerful Stephanie - friend Origin: Greek Meaning: crown; garland Trek - my dog Origin: Dutch Meaning: to make a slow or arduous journey; a journey undertaken with a specific objective Yoni - my ex Origin: from the Hebrew name Yehonatan (biblical namesake was known for his manliness, generosity, and unselfishness) Meaning: "God has given"; "gift from God" This was an interesting exercise and great time waster. I am convinced there is more to a name than just vowels and consonants. If this inspires you to research the origin & meaning of your own name, let me know what you find. Does it fit you? Smilies for the Day:

:0/

What a depressing day in the blogosphere. Seems like nearly everyone is going through some sort of turmoil. Is there something in the water? Me? I am missing what was AND I have somehow gotten myself into another unhealthy relationship that I am having a hard time leaving. I'm not sure how to articulate my problems, so I won't. It will all come out when I'm ready - it always does. This past weekend was supposed to produce organization and clarity. Not so much. I partied, shopped, caught up with friends, worked a 14-hour shift - everything but organize and clarify. There is always next weekend. . . Yesterday was awesome. I was supposed to train all day at my new job. My trainer had food poisoning so I was only there for an hour. It was gorgeous outside and the whole day opened up. I ran some errands, took a nap, took Trek for a romp, and spent QT with my family. My brother leaves for college on Friday :( We are extremely close - and anyone who knows me, knows I have been dreading this. I am going to miss him like crazy but we are making the best of the time we have left. So last night my family (joined by Stephanie) had our last crab feast before he leaves. We of course purchased the crabs live and steamed them ourselves. We all ate until it hurt. Good times. I'm kicking myself for not taking any pics but I was too busy enjoying myself to even think about it. Oh well. Tonight was equally awesome. I decided to leave work after only 2 hours to spend time with my brother. Work will be there next week, Del will not. We went to the park, went for gelatis, and had dinner together. Wasn't his graduation just yesterday??? I never would have thought that my annoying little brother would turn into the most important person in my life, seemingly overnight. Like so many things in life, you don't fully appreciate what you have until it is gone. I know we will remain close but it is going to be a big adjustment. Isn't life grand?

I don't get me

I woke up early again today and cleaned my little butt off before work. Humph - I'm perplexed. How long can this last? I am not a morning person. In fact, I hate morning people. Am I going through "the change"? Nah, nothing that serious, just need to get organized before fall semester starts. But still, I am so used to doing laundry at 1am. . . this 7am stuff is going to take some getting used to :) I would like to take a moment to thank www.mydogtoy.com for helping to make this day possible. This toy is amazing - all the squeakers still work and not a single tear - kept Trek busy all morning while I cleaned. I'm going to take a "blogging break" until my life is completely organized (I'm shooting for Monday). Have an awesome weekend!! Smiley for the Day:

Dog-Free Day of Summer

I woke up super early this morning and took Trek to the groomer. I proceeded to be productive the rest of the day: cleaned my car, did laundry, shampooed my carpet, began cleaning my dungeon of a room, studied for my test, and went to work. I love my dog to death, but it is much easier to get things done without his "help". Today was dog-free of the human kind too. Good times, good times. Random pic from this weekend: Ed (the bar guy) & I at Rainforest Cafe. I'm the one with the tail ;)

What is in a name?

It seems like these days, people will name their kids ANYTHING. I'm not going to run down a list of examples, but I'm sure you know exactly what I am talking about. My mother named me before I was even conceived; back when I was only a thought. I was named after a woman my mother did not know well. It was a business relationship, but my mother said there was something special about this woman named "Brea": a wonderful personality and a beautiful smile. After several interactions with her, my mother decided that if she ever had a daughter, "Brea" would be her name. And so, I have been spending the last 20 some years correcting people on the correct pronunciation of my name. But I like my name. I wasn’t named after a car or an accident; I was named after a woman that made such a big impression on my mother that she named me after her. This brings me back to my point; I think parents should be more discerning when naming their children. I think there is something in a name, beyond vowels and consonants, to be concerned about. I was named after someone. Depending on the day, I have the personality part down. The smile I know I have. I have been getting compliments on my smile since I was a little girl. I smile ALL THE TIME. In fact, when I was little, my mother would get frustrated because I'd smile my way right through a chastisement: Mom: Brea, why did you do that? Me: **SMILE** Mom: Stop smiling! Why did you do that?! Me: **HUGE SMILE** Mom: Ugh! Just go to your room!! Drove her nuts, but I couldn’t help it, she is the one that named me after a woman who smiles all the time! Looking back it is funny. It wasn’t so funny then; I spent half of my childhood grounded thanks to my smile. Well, “Brea” may be the name written on my birth certificate, but there was another name my mother called me just as often: That's right, Baby Huey. If you don't remember this character, read up. She called me that not for my intellectual capacity, but for my physical strength. I was opening jars, carrying bags, and moving furniture when other kids my age were trying to pry legos apart. I was the only female on my block, so I grew up a bit of a tom boy. Okay, not a bit, a big tom boy. Maybe that explains my aversion to pink (there have been several requests for a blog entry on this topic - it is coming - just haven't gotten in the mood yet). Ok, got a bit sidetracked there. I'd also like to think that calling me Baby Huey has something to do with my inner strength as well. Although, I have moments where I do not feel strong, as in my last blog entry, I think I am strong 90% of the time. I have survived a dead beat father, molestation, rape, a bipolar mother, notorious bad luck, severe depression, a suicide attempt, and countless unhealthy relationships. I think 90% of the time is pretty damn good. So needless to say, I am feeling much better and more in control. Thanks to everyone who was concerned about me on my last post. I didn't mean the "I hate me" comment literally; I like me . . . 90% of the time. So you tell me: What is in a name? Smiley for the Day:

What a big fucking mess!!

What started as a fun, playful relationship, has turned into something ugly. I'm coming unglued. I feel like I have no control over what is happening. I've never had trust issues, now I do. I've had more hurt feelings in the last few weeks than I've had in the last four years combined. My head is telling me that I am better than this - can't get the rest of me to agree. Trouble is, I have a hard time leaving relationships: ones that are take and no give, ones that are judgmental, ones that are hurtful, even ones I can't define. Life has become uncomfortably complicated - again. But this time I can not figure out why. Is it the ambiguity? Is it the past? What the hell is it?? Is it me? Am I that hard to understand? I'm tired. Very tired. I'm tired of this pattern. I feel like I have given all I have to give. Even a relationship I've had for over 10 years is falling apart - I just don't have the energy to put it back together. Why do I stay in unhealthy relationships longer than anyone else can stand? What is it about me that makes me stay when everyone else walks out? Why do I strive to meet everyone's needs with no concern for my own? When I do fight for myself, why do I always end up feeling like a big bitch? Why do I feel the need to deny big parts of myself to keep others comfortable? I hate me. Tonight I felt like revisiting a poem I wrote before I ended things with Yoni: for all the right reasons despite everything my chest continues to rise and fall despite you, despite me, despite us the sun continues to rise, continues to set and i continue to cry, alone. i spend so much time trying to understand how things have come to this lonely, unsettled place a place i can neither understand nor accept. there is so much confusion the colors have all blended into such a beautiful shade of grey yes, such a beautiful shade of grey. if my legs only had the strength to run from this raging of my heart, my mind, my soul if only i could just leave leave you, leave me, leave us if only letting go were an easy task, i would i would let go of all i have loved and all i hate. despite everything my chest continues to rise and fall despite you, despite me, despite us the sun continues to rise, continues to set such a beautiful shade of grey. Smiley for the Day:

She's okay!!!

When I was younger, I wanted a boy and a girl. I have two babies now: my dog and my car. So that is the one childhood dream I successfully filled. Anyway, my baby girl was sick this weekend. Turned out it was just a dead battery. This whole incident leads me to believe that I really need to learn something about cars. Anything really. I had no idea that all a car battery does is start the car. I've heard of an alternator before but had no idea what its function was until just yesterday. The last time I had a flat tire, I had to call AAA to come and put the spare on. He didn't use any of his own tools, everything that was needed was right in my trunk. I feel like a stupid girl. :0/ The thing is, I love to get my hands dirty. When I break a nail, I bite it off, I don't cry about it. I want to be able to change my own tire, oil, and car battery. It's just that I have no one to teach me. My dad knows nothing about cars. He spent over 20 years of his life in school: K-12, undergrad, masters, and law degree. My ex knew a lot about cars but was too impatient to teach me. **sigh** Well, I went to Pep Boys all by myself and bought a battery today. I am taking it to my friend's house and he is going to teach me how to do it. I told him not to touch it, but to walk me through it. So, if my blogging abruptly stops - you'll know why. Smiley for the Day:

It was one of those weeks:

Got cussed out by a fat woman at work over something that wasn't even my fault and I had absolutely no control over. Had car trouble. Fortunately - I think it is just the alternator. I'll find out tonight. Called out of work for plans that fell through. Missed a day of pay for no reason, just in time for school bills and car trouble. I was, once again, judged about venting on MY blog. I have already expressed how I feel about that. Had a friend call me crying hysterically in the middle of the night. She was three hours away and I could do nothing but try to calm her down over the phone. I hate feeling helpless. Three crying spells: once alone, once with the bar guy, and the last one in my brother's arms (refer to story below). They were all under the influence of alcohol - I think I'm going to put the bottle down for a while. Had another fight with my mother - no surprise there. My ex showed me photos of him kissing his new love interest. Not sure what the hell that was intended to accomplish but it did make me lose the little respect I had left for him. Was left alone at work for two hours - I AM super woman afterall. My ankles are TORE UP - damn mosquitoes . . . So, why was I crying in my brother's arms last night? I had just gotten home from any evening of Merlot. I asked my brother if he would go with me to walk the dog. As we were walking, a cop passed by us slowly with his spotlight on and lights flashing. Not a common sight in our neighborhood. So we look at each other like, "What the hell?" Then the cop stops at the bottom of the hill not too far from us. So we thought maybe he thinks it is rather late for two "kids" to be walking around the neighborhood and had stopped to ask us what we were up to. So we continue our path towards the police car. He shouted for us to stop and stay where we are. So many thoughts are running through my head at this point. I'm thinking, "This entire week has sucked enough, can I please just walk my dog?!" BANG! Then a deer rises off the road and struggles to get up and run away. Up until that moment, we hadn't even noticed there was a deer there. BANG! I just started crying hysterically. BANG! The cop shot a deer right in front of us - three times. Did it not cross his mind that perhaps he should have told us what he was about to do before proceeding to kill a deer right in front of us? Did it not cross his mind that it might be upsetting to watch a deer being shot, or even to see a gun being fired? Have I mentioned how much I fucking hate Bel Air?!! Not everyone's daddy takes them into the woods each fall to kill deer. I understand that the deer was struck by a car and needed to be put out of its misery. I understand that. But I did not need to witness it. I cried the whole way home. When we got back home, Del was trying to comfort me as was Trek. I ended up crying myself to sleep. I have got to get out of this town. On the bright side: Despite my emotional outbreak, I think things are going well with the bar guy. I got the job I interviewed for 2 weeks ago and start training next week. I get to quit my current job. Perhaps I will cuss out that lady on my last day. Kidding. I don't expect that this week will be as bad as last. Smiley for the Day:

I hate these damn things

What is this, "National Forwards/Tag Week"?! I received three this week alone. Enough!!!! To humor the annoying people that send these things, I am going to answer them. But THAT IS IT!!!! This is my ONE for the next 12 months - so don't bother sending any more!! (I have combined them for simplicity, so feel free NOT to read this post, it is rather long.) What time did you wake up? 7 am, 11 ish, and 12ish. Hey, it's Sunday, I'm allowed. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds, duh!! (What a dumb question) What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I can't even remember, how sad is that?! I know it was with Yoni but I can't remember what we saw... What is your favorite TV show? Anything on Discovery Health and most shows on Animal Planet. I'm not a big TV person, so I can't really narrow it down to just one show. Sorry. What is your middle name? Lorena and it is not pronounced like the Bobbit woman. It is pronounced, Lô´r-ē-nə. What is your favorite cuisine? Indian, yum! What foods do you dislike ? Now THAT is a short list. I do not like brussel sprouts, mushrooms, pork, and most seafood (I like crabs and fish, everything else is out). Other than that, I'll eat anything. What is your favorite potato chip? Not a big chip fan unless of course it is chocolate chip. What is your favorite CD at the moment? I currently do not have a CD obsession - I need to remedy that. What kind of car do you drive? Mazda 626. The first car I bought all by myself :0) She turned 100,000 last week and this week she's getting a new alternator :0/ Favorite sandwich? Turkey Lurkey When it comes to a purse, do you prefer black or brown? Neither actually, but if I had to choose I'd say black. Favorite item of clothing? Cute tops. If you could go any place in the world, where would you go? Alaska What color is your bathroom? Aqua Favorite brand of clothing? Express, L.E.I. & Paris Blues -Here is a bad combination: I'm short, have 'back', and am not conservative enough for the petite section. But those three manufactures seem to understand that - I'd just like to take a moment to say thank you ;0) Where would you retire to? Somewhere warm with my future husband. Favorite time of day? Late night - I seem to be most productive after midnight. What was your most memorable birthday? Dinner party at the condo. Yes, I spent my birthday preparing dinner for my friends but I loved every minute of it! I would like to thank my late grandmother for handing down the best spaghetti sauce recipe on earth. Where were you born? Southern California baby!! Favorite sport to watch? Anything live - but I'd much rather play than watch. Coke or Pepsi? Coke Are you a morning person or night owl? Come on now, that's an easy one. I love breakfast but I don't feel the need to get up in the morning to eat it. Night owl most definitely. What is your shoe size? 8.5, damn near Bigfoot. Do you have any pets? Yup, my doggie, Trek. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family and friends? Nothing I haven't already told them... What did you want to be when you were little? A plastic surgeon specializing in burn victims. Then I took chemistry in college. There will be no medical school for me. Now teaching is my passion. What were you meant to be doing today? I am supposed to be at the International Festival downtown. I'm instead cleaning and organizing my dungeon of a room. What book are you currently reading? Psychopharmocology - not by choice. What is your favorite color? Green - not dark, not light, but just right. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk. Mmmmmmmm! What is the next big thing in your life? Graduation, I hope. What are you wearing right now? Green running shorts and a yellow sports top. What was the last fun thing you did? I'll just say it was last night, no further details ;0) What is your most most prized material possession? My baby Mazda. What was the first thing you did when you woke up this morning? Looked at the clock and went back to sleep. What is your best feature? My smile??? What's on your bedside table? Don't have one, my bed is lofted. What do you eat when you raided the fridge late at night? Huh?! If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done? I wouldn't - EVER. Do you have a completely irrational fear? Spiders What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moment? I just get quiet. Not sure I have a physical habit. What do you carry with you at all times? My camera. What do you miss most about being little? What don't I miss? Are you happy with your given name? Yes, I just hate having to repeat it a million times and have people STILL say it wrong. How much money would it take to get you to give up the internet for one year? Priceless. What color is your bedroom? Cream Have you ever been in a play? Several musicals: King & I, Annie, & Wizard of Oz. There are others but I played such a small role in them I can't even remember what they were. Have you ever been in love? Yes and I don't regret a single moment of it. I think next time will be even better. Do you talk a lot? When I'm around people I know. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?Occasionally Do you think you're cute? As a button ;0) Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? No, but dumb questions like this does. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? Speaking of annoying... What is your style? It has been recently described as "hippie-sheik". I like whatever I feel comfortable in and that tends not to be mainstream. Any piercings? Four in the right ear, three in the left, and my belly. What taste is in your mouth? Raspberry tea. What is the weather like? Eh. What is your favorite drink? A tie between a Margarita and a lemon drop. What is your favorite thing to do on the weekend? Anything outdoors. What makes you happy? Having fun with someone I care about. WHEW!!!!!! That was CRAZY! That's it folks - no more e-mails and no tagging. I'm telling you right now - I am not responding. Smiley for the Day:

Numb.

I've moved on to the occasional coughing spell. I should probably go see a doctor as this has persisted well over a week and a half. I'm not going to though - my to do list cannot handle another thing and Robitussin can handle anything. If only I could remember to take it every four hours . . . once a day is better than NO times a day - right? Although I'm not 100%, I still managed to have a good weekend. Saturday I went to the Harford County Farm Fair. Yeeee Haaaaw!!! I of course took a million pictures and collected just as many freebies. I also made a purchase that has changed my life and will save me hundreds of dollars. No, I did not purchase a farm so that I may "live off the land". No, I didn't purchase a machine that turns cow pies into energy. This animal looks strangely similar to my dog: not so much the spots but more so the appetite ;) Nope, nope, nope. I bought . . . . sure you are ready for this? . . . . . A toy for Trek! Wait, wait, wait!!! Before you "X" the screen let me explain! My dog is a four-legged wrecking machine. He has destroyed more product guarantees than Bush has promises since his time in office. He has even chewed right through a Kong! (I am still a big fan of the Kong toys, it was crucial in getting my dog crate trained. But that was before he decided the goal was to destroy every toy I gave him.) So anyway, while browsing the tents at the farm fair, the bright yellow dog toy claiming to be the "World's "Tuff"est Soft Dog Toy", caught my eye. I snickered at the slogan thinking, "They haven't met Trek!" The toy felt pretty tough - so I figured it would at least give Trek a half hour of fun. It also had three squeakers; Trek loves to remove the squeakers and throw them around. So, to make a long story shorter, I bought the toy. Here it is four days later - looks brand new and still squeaks!!! All three squeakers in fact! If you have a tough chewer of your own (child or K-9) - check out www.mydogtoy.com. If these toys can survive Trek . . . . . . they can survive any dog (or child)! What is even more exciting is that they come in all different shapes and sizes. They even float! Sadly, it doesn't take much to make me happy. Sunday and Monday I went to the beach with Ed (the bar guy). It was a lot of fun. We went to a bar Sunday night that his friend was DJ at. I had my first "Mind Eraser" (Kahlua, Vodka, and Sprite I think) - it worked - I remember dancing in the DJ booth and can't remember much of the rest of the night. Ed said as soon as the cab pulled up I got in and curled up against the window and went to sleep! We spent some time on the beach and hanging out with his friend on Monday. I woke up without a hang over, despite the happenings of the night before. Well, it is time for me to head to work. I was going to get into some deeper stuff but seem to have run out of time. I'm too lazy to change the title, although it has everything to do with the post I intended and nothing to do with the post I actually ended up typing. Deal with it. Love, Brea Smiley for the Day: