A little costume help?

Yeah well, my breasts are still sore and after the workout I did yesterday, so is everything else. I also think I have aggravated an old track injury in my right knee. My goodness, are you supposed to fall apart at 24? First was climbing with Neil. Unlike Brian, he has no mercy. His philosophy is: if you don't consistently attempt routes above your skill level, you'll never get any better. Now, I am all about challenging myself, but every route?! I could swear my legs were shaking at one point. I completed every route I tried, but it was NOT pretty. I ended up hitting my head on a pipe at the end of my last climb, a clear sign I had had enough. Neil yells after I already hit my head, "Watch out there is a pipe there!" Very funny. After climbing, I met up with my brother and his roomie at the gym. They were lifting. I decided to get in the mix, with no thought to how I'd feel the next day. I should kick my own ass for that. Now, I can count the number of times I've been to the gym on one hand. I'd much rather get my exercise doing activities that cause knee injuries. **sigh** But I found the free weight workout challenging and enjoyable. Perhaps it was because my brother and I turned it into a competition. He with huge weights, me with.... 5lb. weights. **blushing** It was fun talking shit while we were doing sets together: "Why are you grimacing? What's the problem? That wasn't so hard." Oh, I was having fun! Then we moved on to the bench press. If free weights was entertaining, the bench press was damn near hilarious! I bench pressed the bar (hey that sucker weighs 45 lbs.). I only did one set because I couldn't stop laughing at myself. Here are all these huge guys bench pressing who knows how much weight, and here I am the only girl on that side of the gym, bench pressing the bar. My brother kept telling me to stop laughing before I hurt myself. I couldn't help it. The bar was swaying all over the place as I laughed through the entire set. I never thought the gym could be so fun! Good times. After the gym, I went costume shopping with my brother and two of his friends. I'm doomed. My last minute antics have failed me again, there was nothing left. I was invited to two parties on Saturday and we are dressing up at the restaurant on Monday then heading out to Fells Point afterward. I am soooo screwed!! I could dress up like a "sexy fill-in-the-blank" like all the other "original costumes" females come up with this time of year. But I don't need a holiday as an excuse to dress like a slut. Besides, I wear short skirts all the time and don't feel the need to catch pneumonia by wearing one this time of year. I haven't dressed up for Halloween in years; I think I am getting too old for this! Besides, I'm just not creative when it comes to this type of thing. See? Doomed. Yesterday, after dropping Trek at the groomer, I didn't feel like waiting for my car to be serviced. I ended up crawling back into bed. I got absolutely nothing done yesterday. So, guess what I'm doing today? That's right, cleaning WITH "my little helper": He's already been such a big help... The bandanna says it all! I think I have come up with the solution for my costume dilemma. I'll just go late to the party after everyone has already consumed plenty of alcohol. Then, when I tell them I am dressed like a procrastinator, they will think it is pure genius. Sounds like a plan. However, I still need to come up with something for Monday... I'm considering this a four-day weekend, those are always good: Friday: clean, work, hit the bars Saturday: REI attic sale, lunch with friends, party Sunday: recover from alcohol poisoning, take Trek to the doggy beach, sit around and do nothing, possible late evening trip back to the bars Monday: maybe go to class (I highly doubt it b/c I don't think anyone is going to show up), go to work (hopefully I will have a stroke of genius and come up with a costume, or someone will give me a good idea **hint, hint**), join the craziness in Fells Point (after plenty of drinks b/c it is going to be freeeeezing) Well, I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend - I know I am! Smiley for the Day:

The Usual

Random shit in the life of me. So, while I'm no longer anxious about my talk with Yoni, I still feel like I should figure out what I want before our talk. Last time he wanted to talk, he was trying to get me back. I'll quote from my June post as a refresher: He talked the entire way [home]: he loves me, he misses me, he thinks about me everyday, he's changed, he realizes what I was trying to tell him, he'll never find anyone like me and on and on. I just let him talk. This was a complete 360. I had to pull teeth to get him to share his feelings when we were together and here he is talking for an hour straight! I wonder if my jaw was hanging open . . . I didn't say much at all. I told him I still care about him and that I miss him too and that was it. After all the energy I spent getting over our break-up, that's all I had to give. Last time it took me by surprise - I'm not letting that happen again. I know what to expect, but what do I want? Hell if I know. Didn't have it figured out then, don't have it figured out now. Perhaps I should make a pros and cons list or something... And now for a little TMI: my breasts hurt. I haven't worn a bra in going on five days. I like to let my girls breathe every chance I get. I figured with the multiple layers I have been wearing, I didn't really need to wear a bra. I have a small chest too, I did all my breast development on the first day of puberty, I just don't understand the soreness. I guess even my little girls need support. Guess what I'm wearing tomorrow... This week I am not going a single day without talking about Trek, so here goes. Today we went to the dog park. An older woman came in with 2 little Datsuns. I was so proud of Trek. They were constantly yapping and getting under his feet. I wanted to punt the little fuckers but he was so nice to them. Perhaps I could learn a lesson of tolerance from this? Nah. These fall nights are getting damn chilly. I think the hand that was holding the leash tonight went numb for a minute. Perhaps it is time to bust out the winter gear. I'm not complaining though. It looks like the cold weather is driving business at the restaurant as everyone fattens up for the winter - I made bank again tonight. Whatever the reason, I'll take it - this tuition refuses to pay itself. Trust me, I already asked. Ya know, I really need to learn how to go to bed at a decent hour. Especially since I have to get up early tomorrow to take care of my babies - Trek to the groomer, my car for scheduled maintenance. After dropping off the kids, I'll probably crawl back into bed although I should get some cleaning done - it is much easier without the pitter patter of big feet. We'll just have to see... So today I was once again asked what has become a familiar question: why do you blog? Humph - I never have a good answer. It started as an emotional outlet. Now I think it is more of a daily journal, which serves as an outlet on an as needed basis. It is hard to explain to someone who doesn't blog. Why do you blog? Smiley for the Day:

"B" is for Beautiful

Yeah the cold rain has continued, but today was absolutely beautiful in my little corner of the world. The morning was beautiful. I had no classes today so I slept in, made myself a fantastic breakfast (my favorite meal of the day), took a long hot shower, did laundry, played tug-o-war with Trek, and got a good start on a project that is due next week. By 2pm, I felt like I had already accomplished so much! Beautiful. My commute to work was beautiful. I am so fortunate to be able to take the back roads to school and work. I travel down winding roads surrounded by trees, pass by farms, and cross over a reservoir - I am going to have to stop and take pictures one day. With the fall colors, the ride is absolutely breath taking. Beautiful. Work was beautiful. My last table left me a $50 tip. He said I did a great job taking care of him and his "pain in the ass" friends. I didn't find them the slightest bit irritating, but I sure wasn't going to argue the tip. The rest of my tables were loving me tonight as well and I ended up making as much as I usually do on a Saturday night. That money will be well spent at the REI attic sale this weekend. I mean.... tuition, gas, insurance, savings... ;) Beautiful. My ride home was beautiful. On my way home I spoke with Jess, Katie, Christina, Neil, Stephanie, and my brother. I was able to shoot the shit with Jess, Katie & Christina, wish Stephanie happy birthday, and make plans for Thursday with both my brother and Neil. Beautiful. As Trek and I suited up for our late night walk in the rain, I couldn't help but laugh - our coats match. If I gave him to a farm, do you think they would put a raincoat on him? No, I think not. I stand by my decision to keep my dog - I just couldn't give him away to some farmer who would let my baby get wet. Yeah, so I finally had to give up on trying to get Trek to pose for a picture! And yes, I've already been told I take too many pics of my dog. Deal with it. In fact, here's another one: This is my favorite pic of Trek & I - it was taken on our first day together. It's a scanned image, sorry about the quality. I adopted him at 8 months. He was supposed to stay that small. Look at those paws, I should have known better!! 45 lbs later, I wouldn't change a thing :0) The capitol BEAUTIFUL goes to how I feel right now. I feel a great sense of relief. I don't have to deal with how the bar guy made me feel anymore, I'm at peace with how my talk with Yoni will go, I feel I am doing the right thing by keeping my dog, school is going great, and my friends are awesome. For the first time in a long time, I feel like everything is right in my little corner of the world. BEAUTIFUL. Smiley for the Day:

About 45 minutes ago...

. . . I was sitting in my room, listening to music, burning a candle, and enjoying the sound of the rain. Then Trek started whining for his late night walk. As we walked in the wind and the rain, I realized how cold and miserable it is outside. I tell ya, I love this dog. There is nothing else on this planet that can get me to walk 30 minutes out in this weather - nothing. Over the last couple of weeks, I have been considering giving away my dog. He is a big dog and I thought he might be happier on a farm with lots of property to explore. My life is busy and I'm always concerned that he is not receiving enough attention. But right now, I know his place is with me. Not a day goes by where I don't ensure he gets in a good romp. Our weekends are spent at the park or on a hiking trail. Also, he's EXTREMELY slow to warm up to new people, if at all - who knows if if he will ever truly attach to another owner. He trusts me to brush his teeth, clean his ears, and bathe him. When I'm on the computer, he does his best to lay his big ass across my lap. After getting my attention, he curls up under my feet. It seems like such a small thing, but this daily ritual is a big part of my life. Even our nightly walks are important to me. I couldn't sleep at night not sure he was warm and happy. So, Trek will not be living on a farm. He will spend the rest of his days with me. And so my late night walks in all the elements will continue... This weekend wasn't terribly exciting, but it was nice. I spent a lot of time with the "girls", did some shopping, and ate some good food. Sunday night, Stephanie, her friend Patty and I made a traditional Malaysian dish. I have forgotten what it is called but all the preparation was worth it - yummy! Here is a pic of all the garnishes. (Posted by Picasa) I spoke with Yoni on Saturday. He finishes the project that has delayed our "talk" for so many weeks at the end of the month. So all my anxiety was for naught. There is still plenty of time for that come November. I have exactly a week to figure out what I need out of our "talk". It is times like this I wish life were scripted. Ah well... I am completely and totally done with the bar guy. What a freakshow he turned out to be. Sad thing is, he doesn't see how incredibly disrespectful and inappropriate he was. Yuck! It's sad what it took for me to finally get him out of my life. I've known for well over a month he needed to be given the royal boot. Loneliness will make you do some crazy things - glad that is over. Dear God, please let me learn a lesson from all this. Well, I'm tired and my tummy hurts (ate half a bag of cookies and a couple of donuts before the day was over, gluttony at its worst) - I'm off to bed. Night all! Smiley for the Day:

Going in with my eyes closed.

Closed because I'm tired as hell and I have no idea what the weekend holds. Yesterday, I went to the climbing gym with my friend Brian. I was quite proud of myself; it had been months since my last climb and I was climbing 5.8 without a problem. The last route (5.9), however, kicked my ass. So that took care of any cockiness that might have been developing. My arms and abs are slightly sore but I'm not in nearly as much pain as expected. I want more. I want to conquer that 5.9 route. I want to get back the climbing skills I once had. Even before ever trying it, I had a love of the sport; I still do. Like any other activity I love, it is a part of who I am. In fact, I wrote one of my very first posts on it: Climbing Through Life Tuesday, November 02, 2004 I guess I like rock climbing because it is a true combination of mind and body. You have to plan your route before you begin a difficult climb. If you do all of your thinking on the wall, you will find yourself in a difficult, avoidable situation. Sure, you can muscle your way through a tough spot. However, if you do that too many times, you will be left with a fatigued body. A body that will not be available for one last climb three hours from now. A well-planned climb will reserve your energy for times when you must use raw strength to continue. Watching an expert climber, you see as much skill and grace as shown by any professional dancer. It is as though they are dancing up the wall. Why? They plan every move before it is taken. They concentrate on details such as hip position, foot placement, and grip on every hold as they climb. While I am by no means an expert, I understand the mechanics of a successful ascent and am vigilant as I climb. I just wish I'd remember to apply some of these lessons to my life beyond the wall . . . Posted by Picasa I wish the sport wasn't so time consuming and my schedule wasn't so jam packed. I wish....oh I could go on forever but that doesn't change anything does it? Unfortunately, the answer is a big fat NO. Moving on... After climbing, was my weekly dinner date with my brother. As I walked to the car to meet him, I checked my cell for missed phone calls while I was at the gym. I missed a call from Yoni. He didn't leave a message. Was the call an accident? Was he calling to say hello? Did he call to tell me that he is ready for our talk this weekend? It took a couple of hours before I made the decision to call him back. There was no answer and so I left a message. How is it that he is always in control of my emotions? I take control for a while, but he always finds a way to take it back. And so I wait... I had been invited earlier in the evening to go hang out with the guys from my backpacking group. After explaining that Thursday nights are always dinner with my brother, they extended the invite. So, my brother and I decided to forgo our weekly pig out session, grab a pizza & beer, and head over to my friend's place. We played drinking games. As I suck at most games, I ended up getting pretty lit. Good times, good times. So now it is another cold, gloomy, rainy day in Maryland. Motivation is at an all time low. I have plans for tonight and tomorrow. But what will Sunday hold? Perhaps he will make me laugh. Perhaps he will make me cry. Perhaps the silence will continue. I'm going in with my eyes closed. Smiley for the Day:

Zzzzzzzz

Catching some zzzzz last night was hard work! I think anyone married to a snorer should be given a congressional medal or something. How do you do it? I couldn't even stand one night of it! I've spent many a night with this guy since June and not once did I have this problem. But last night, after I was already up until 2am doing homework, this guy sounded like a got damn train yard! Maybe I'm just grumpy when I'm tired but it took every ounce of my being not boot his ass off the bed! I tried shifting him on his side. He'd stop snoring and then I'd get to settling in. Then he'd shift and start snoring again! This went on for about twenty minutes all ending in the same result. Then I tried turning away from him with a pillow over my head to muffle the noise. Not only did it not help but I then noticed the bed shakes with each snore. Instead of using the pillow to then smother his ass, I decided to take it downstairs and sleep on the couch. I could still hear the snoring, so I went back upstairs and pulled the door shut. Ok, can I get some sleep now? Nope. Then I notice the loud ticking of the hallway clock and the chirping of the damn smoke detector (battery needs to be changed). I don't consider myself a light sleeper but I just couldn't get to sleep to save my life. I finally started to drift off and then the damn coo-coo clock goes off. Are you fucking kidding me?! I seriously contemplated sleeping in the basement or my car. Needless to say, I am tired and bitchy. I feel sorry for the fool that pisses me off today! Smiley for the Day:

Blah, blah, blah

Last week was weird. I was interviewed by Glamour magazine. Not for my fashion sense cuz we all know I have none. I was interviewed for my participation in 43 Things. Apparently, my list caught the eye of a reporter. That makes me laugh. I also won a $10 itunes certificate from a sweepstakes I entered at school a while back. I never win anything - ever. Also, my dad is showing an interest in my life all of sudden - humph? Weird. The weather this weekend was gorgeous - too bad I was busy working my little butt off all weekend. My only chance to enjoy the sunshine was Saturday morning - I sat out on the deck. Well looks like a mosquito was enjoying the meal b/c my ankles are tore up! The highlight of my weekend was chocolate chip brownies - but even that was a disaster. I forgot to grease the bottom of the pan before baking them, so it turned out to be brownie crumbles. Um yeah, so the weekend sucked. I won't recount it lest I have to relive it as I type. Is it really only Tuesday?! Yikes. Still looking for that fast forward button.... I am a bad Mommy. I still haven't taken Trek to the vet, nor have I set-up his grooming appointment. Just this weekend, I received a postcard from the vet reminding me he's due for a booster vaccine - that in addition to the e-mail reminder I already received and the reminder on my iPAQ. You would think by now I'd have taken care of it. Nope. See? Bad Mommy. I'm glad everyone enjoyed my post of Ani DiFranco lyrics. I'm happy to have introduced her to those who have never heard her music before - she's an absolutely amazing artist. I wonder what music other folks are listening to. Do me a favor, in the comments section, leave me a couple of your favorite music artists. I want to check them out and make sure I'm not missing out on anything. Ok, I'll stop wasting your time now. I tried to blog last night but the power went out just as I got started. Clearly, I don't really have the motivation now. I'll be back when I actually have something to say. Smiley for the Day:

This one goes out to you

I just wanted to share two Ani DiFranco songs with my female blogger buddies who have been feeling a bit of funk lately. I think there is a special bond between women, even if only through a computer screen. I think it is because we have all "been there". I just want to let you know you are not alone. out of habit the butter melts out of habit the toast isn't even warm the waitress and the man in the plaid shirt play out a scene they've played so many times before i am watching the sun stumble home in the morning from a bar on the east side of town and the coffee is just water dressed in brown beautiful but boring he visited me yesterday he noticed my fingers and asked me if i would play i didn't really care a lot but i couldn't think of a reason why not i said if you don't come any closer i don't mind if you stay my thighs have been involved in many accidents and now i can't get insured and i don't need to be lured by you my cunt is built like a wound that won't heal and now you don't have to ask because you know how i feel you know how i feel art is why i get up in the morning but my definition ends there and it doesn't seem fair that i'm living for something i can't even define there you are right there in the meantime i don't want to play for you anymore show me what you can do tell me what are you here for i want my old friends i want my old face i want my old mind fuck this time and place the butter melts out of habit thirty two flavors squint your eyes and look closer i'm not between you and your ambition i am a poster girl with no poster i am thirty-two flavors and then some and i'm beyond your peripheral vision so you might want to turn your head cause someday you're going to get hungry and eat most of the words you just said both my parents taught me about good will and i have done well by their names just the kindness i've lavished on strangers is more than i can explain still there's many who've turned out their porch lights just so i would think they were not home and hid in the dark of their windows till i'd passed and left them alone and god help you if you are an ugly girl course too pretty is also your doom cause everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room and god help you if you are a phoenix and you dare to rise up from the ash a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy while you are just flying past i'm not trying to give my life meaning by demeaning you and i would like to state for the record i did everything that i could do i'm not saying that i'm a saint i just don't want to live that way no, i will never be a saint but i will always say squint your eyes and look closer i'm not between you and your ambition i am a poster girl with no poster i am thirty-two flavors and then some and i'm beyond your peripheral vision so you might want to turn your head cause someday you might find you're starving and eating all of the words you said

Perhaps you missed it

I hate to be a party pooper; you all know how much I love to party. However, I don't do forwards and I don't do tags. In fact, if I did, the last two weeks would have been spent responding to them. Sorry, but you were warned! Besides, after that 3 questions post, what else could you possible need to know about me?! Better luck next year. Alright, now that we have this cleared up, I am going to run the errands I should have done on Monday. Smiley for the Day:

Despite the rain...

... I had an AWESOME weekend! I am seriously grinning from ear to ear just thinking about it! :D Unfortunately, I wasn't able to catch up with Stephanie who was in town from Morocco and leaving for New England. It is terribly interesting to have such a well-traveled friend but getting face time is hard work! We are already planning through e-mail our next night of talking each other's ears off, peppered with good food and art projects. I can't wait! After class, I went to visit my friend at her job Thursday evening. Our schedules have been clashing for two weeks now - so acting silly at her job was our time to do some catching up. Christina & I. Good times. Friday morning, I scrambled to pack for another backpacking trip. After my shower, I just threw everything in my pack and ran out the door. I then tormented myself thinking of anything I may have forgotten as I drove to meet with my group. Turns out, I remembered to bring everything except camera batteries - which explains why I have NO good pics from this weekend :( Fortunately, Brian brought his camera so I'll share those pics when I get a copy. That'll turn that frown upside down! :) I've always wanted to say that! **clears throat** Moving on.... This trip was to Shenandoah National Park. The terrain is much easier to hike but there are no campfires allowed. Given we'd be accompanied by a tropical storm all weekend - the terrain was going to suck and starting a campfire wasn't happening anyway. Such is life. We hiked in Friday evening after stopping for mexican food and a box of wine. Yes, a box of wine. You can't backpack with any glass containers - inside the box is a bag which makes it easy to fit into the pack - with me now? We figured we needed something to raise our spirits out in the wet woods. And raise our spirits it did! :) Sunset blush by Franzia never tasted so good - in a Nalgene bottle nonetheless! We killed the entire bag the first night. As usual, everyone went to bed except for Brian, Neil, and I. We decided since we didn't have a campfire to shoot the shit around, we'd do some exploring. In our Franzia and So-Co (only shared by the last night crowd - hee hee) induced state, we thought we'd try to find the nearby waterfall....in the dark.....in the rain....having never been there before. Um yeah, so I'm sure you already figured out we never quite made it there. We did manage to pass by our campsite three or four times, raid the snacks, and fall asleep in the Crazy Creek chairs. Good times, good times. I blame it all on Brian's poor compass reading skills - all of it. Saturday morning we woke up. Yup, still raining. The boys slept in hammocks. The tarps that came with them turned out not to be waterproof so they all woke up drenched. I was happy to have woken up in a dry tent - stupid boys ;) I realized the night before that I had left certain personal products in the van - stupid, stupid me. Fortunately, Brian and Catie agreed to hike back to the van with me to retrieve them. Thanks to the non-stop rain, the trails looked more like a creek bed than a trail. We found a crayfish scooting along right in the middle of the trail!!! Thanks to being "packless" we managed to make the hike back to the van in less than an hour. We were exhausted and wet, so we decided to rest in the van for a while. I locked myself in the trunk - long story. After Brian rescued me, I decided I'd take care of my personal needs while they were laying down in the van. There wasn't a car in sight since we had gotten there, and with the weather as it was, I didn't expect there would be any. Wouldn't you know the second I dropped my pants, five or six cars drove by!! Yeah, well I hope they enjoyed the view b/c it wasn't like I could do anything about it! After our short respite, we hiked back to camp. Yup, still raining. When we got back to camp we found the guys under the community tarp boiling water and the girls still in the tent. May have something to do with the fact one gender was smart enough to stay dry while the other . . . ok, this goes without saying ;) I cooked up some mean blueberry pancakes and then we decided what the day's plan would be. It was decided that since the rain wasn't likely to stop anytime soon, we'd leave camp set-up and just do some day hiking. We hiked to the waterfall (the one we never found the night before). It was beautiful! The water was so powerful with all the rainfall. Unfortunately, with the battery situation, I didn't get a pic of the waterfall worth posting. We all just sat in awe of the beauty of the place for at least half an hour. Near the falls we found a bunch of cool caves too. On the hike back for lunch, the spirits of the group started to get down. We were cold, wet, and the constant rain was beginning to drive everyone crazy. There was a lot of grumbling. I think everyone wanted to go home but was afraid to just come out and say it. We debated our options over lunch. I hate rain but I would have been pissed had the decision been made to leave - I had given up a lot to be there that weekend. To my relief, the rain finally stopped and the group decided to stay. We played a ferocious game of hackey sack. Not ferocious because we were any good, let me explain.... There were three rules: don't say sorry, don't serve yourself, and don't use your hands. Anyone caught breaking a rule gets pegged in the ass. I got caught on the "sorry rule" three times! That's me up against the tree getting pegged in the ass by Joe - LOL! We were packing some serious heat on all of our pitches, but thanks to all the layers it didn't hurt much. The game was a lot of fun and spirits were high again so we decided to get in some more hiking before nightfall. The hike involved: some creative water crossings.... some bouldering.... and best of all - NO rain! Dinner was pizza bagels - yum! After much laughter, once again everyone went to bed except you-know-who. We decided to try to locate the waterfall again, this time with the help of recall. Along the way: Both Brian and Neil are rock climbers so they did their share of climbing on things.... we found some cool salamanders on the trail.... and we encountered a friendly deer. We found the waterfall at night to be absolutely amazing. My camera had only enough juice to capture a pic of Brian after he climbed the falls: Posted by Hello I wasn't able to get any other good pics - bummer. After arriving back at camp, Brian and Neil decided not to brave the hammocks again. After opening the tent door, I found the smell to be quite offensive and didn't want to sleep there either. So, the three of us cleaned up the community tarp as much as possible (bread crumbs and anything that might attract bears) and slept out there. It was great. There was a cool breeze and it felt like we were sleeping out under the stars (the community tarp is huge, so we could look out from under it to see the stars with the benefit of cover in case it rained). The sky was perfectly clear and the stars shined brightly. I can't think of a better way to fall asleep. I can't think of a worse sound to wake up to! At about 6am, I awoke with a startle after hearing a loud crack and crash resounding throughout the woods. Everyone woke up, disoriented by sleep and darkness, trying to figure out what had just happened. For a second, I thought a bear was coming for us, as we were sleeping right where all the meals were prepared. Other members of our group were panicked because they weren't sure where we were. They knew we had gone for a late night hike, but since they were sleeping when we returned, they had no idea we decided to sleep out. After everyone was reassured that everything was okay and everyone was accounted for, we decided to try to get some sleep until the sun decided to make an appearance. In the daylight, we discovered that the sound we heard was a HUGE dead tree which had fallen. Had we not decided to move under the tarp, Brian may have been killed. The tree landed right where his head would have been had he slept in the hammock. We were all shaken up and it is still unbelievable even as I type this. It would have taken us hours to get him medical attention, given where we were and it being pitch black. Everything happens for a reason, right? Poor Brian couldn't even eat breakfast after seeing how close he had come to death. Wow, I can't even imagine. These trees are called widow makers. The park has many dead trees from a fire and a terrible ice storm. When setting up camp, it is important to look up to ensure none of these trees are nearby. The boys failed to check as they set up hammocks outside of the main camp. I don't think any of us will ever make that mistake ever again! Those trees aren't called widow makers for nothing! Crazy. After packing everything up, we headed back to the van. The sun was shining and everyone was happy that we had decided to stay. Let me tell you, that hike back to the van was completely different with that pack on. "Does this hill ever end?!" Those steady inclines are a B-I-T-C-H. What really made the weekend fantastic was that I got to know Neil and Brian really well. Brian, who is extremely outgoing, I had already gotten to know. Neil is more of a quiet type. I hadn't even noticed him until the last day of our last trip, when he said his first words to me. He piqued my interest and I was hoping to get to know him better this trip. Hope became reality and he seemed just as interested in getting to know me! He's big into outdoor activities and seems like such a great guy. He invited me on a trip he's doing with friends next weekend and asked me what my week looked like for getting together for some climbing. He wanted to know every outdoor activity I was into, and told me all about his. We spent our night hikes and the entire van ride home talking about all the trips that we should take and everything else under the sun. I am so excited to meet someone into the activities I like, who seems to be interested in getting to know me and not what I have in my pants. Woot-woot!! You ever meet someone and just KNOW that you have a lifelong friend? I'm bummed I can't go on the weekend trip with him, I have to work, but I have a feeling there will be plenty of other opportunities. God, I'm so excited I could just pop! After returning from the trip, I stopped to see my brother because I hadn't seen him all week. We hung out for a while then I took out his braids and picked out his hair: There he is looking like a young Don King! We had a good laugh. The boy looked like "who-did-it-to-what", as my Dad would say. LOL! I gave him some pointers on his upcoming speech and headed home. Trek was excitied to see me and took to sniffing me and all my gear. After a looooong hot shower, Sunday night was spent bar hopping with the girls. We helped ourselves to an unattended bar upstairs at one of the bars and sat and talked. I found myself gushing over Neil like a H.S. crush. But it is not a crush. I can't explain it, so I won't try. I had the same feeling when I met Stephanie. I connected with her so well, so fast - I just knew I had a lifelong friend. It has only happened a few times in my life, each time resulting in amazing relationships. Ever have an experience like that? Smiley for the Day:

Just DON'T do it!

Now I am going to try to gather my thoughts enough to answer my own question: what is the most important attribute you look for in a good relationship? I'm not sure there is a word for it in the english language, and if there is I am too lazy to try to think of it. The closest I could come is somewhere between comfort and security. "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." - Billy, age 4 In a relationship, I want to be able to share any and every thing and know that the other person feels safe enough to do the same with me. When they need someone, I want to be there and know they will do the same. That is the short answer. Now this is where I step up on my soap box. I have a lot of beef with a lot of relationships I've had. I'm happy to say I've spent the last year weeding out the bad ones - but the hurt and irritation is still there and I feel like venting. Consider yourself warned. DON'T judge me. I have a lot of dark spots in my past and "fuck up" is my middle name - so I feel like I should be able to share all of it and not be judged. Nothing is worse than getting "that look". And if you don't know what look I'm talking about you are either really good, have had nothing but awesome relationships, or you are the one giving it. I am an adult - I waited 18 long years to make adult decisions - don't give me that fucking look. I hate it. DON'T lecture me. There is a HUGE difference between voicing your opinion and lecturing. Professors lecture - parents lecture - clergy lecture -friends share opinions. I don't need someone to agree with every decision I make (how scary would that be?!). I like to hear other's opinions - they may bring up a point I missed or shed new light on a situation - I value that. Please, offer your opinion, but don't lecture me. I like conversations NOT lectures. DON'T disappear when you enter a new relationship and then reappear when it breaks up. I can't even begin to count how many of these friendships I've been in. I can handle once maybe even twice - but three, four times?! He/she was more important then so why are you calling me now? DON'T tell me you don't have time. I was working two jobs, going to school, taking care of a 93lb dog and planning a wedding at one point in my life - I still made time for all my friends. There are 720 hours in the average month - you can't spare any? I'm not going to be the one constantly calling to talk or offering an invitation somewhere. I'll do it for a time but I stopped playing chase in elementary school. If you aren't going to make the effort, guess what, neither am I. Don't give me excuses - I had a dead beat father, remember? I hate excuses. DON'T expect a surface relationship because Brea don't play that. I have a strong personality and I like to have fun - people are drawn to that. But there is more to me than that crazy party girl you see at the bar or that kayaker you see on the water. If you want a relationship - take the time to get to know the other pieces of me. My other pieces may not be a heart stopping thrill ride, but they are worth getting to know. I'm a whole person, not just a piece of one. DON'T disappear when I need you. I will call to check in on you. I want to know what is going on in your life. I want to share in your hopes, dreams, triumphs and failures. I want to be there for you when you need me. I answered every time you called me crying - every time. Can I get the same in return? Why am I supposed to be the strong one without any problems all the time? DON'T let your baggage clutter our relationship. I understand you have been hurt in the past, I have too, explain to me again why I am getting blamed for your past? Honestly, if you are that hurt by your past relationships that you are letting it ruin your current ones, maybe you need some time alone or some counseling. I can respect that and I will be here for you if you need help working through it. But sorry, I will not be your scapegoat. DON'T expect perfection. I am only human - I am going to make mistakes. I am never too proud to admit when I am wrong. And when you do something to hurt me, I may not let you know right away, but trust me I will let you know. Let's talk about it and move on. DON'T disrespect me. Yes, I'm laid back and a lot of fun, but I am also deserving of the same respect you show your mother. That also means don't talk about me behind my back. Anything you have to say to me can be said to my face. I don't bite....hard. I will always treat you with respect - I expect the same. Okay, I'm stepping down from the soap box. That is about all I can write this time of night. I'm thinking about all the crap I need to get done tomorrow so I better get to bed soon. After reading this post, you may think I sound like a complete bitch - I am - only becuase I'm sick of being everyone's doormat. Seems like you have to be a bitch to get what you want. Brea the bitch - has a nice ring to it :) Hope everyone has a fun weekend planned. If not - GET TO IT!!!.

Confession

So much to do, so little energy - the story of my life. Honestly, I have so many little tasks to complete but I just don't feel like it. Part of the problem is I still have yet to trust certain vendors here in Bel Air. So everytime I need my oil changed, eyebrows waxed, or dog vaccinated - I drive to southern Maryland to have it done. Some things need to be done by a trusted professional. I'm sorry, but I just don't trust this town with the three most important things: my car, my dog, and my eyebrows (anyone who has had a bad eyebrow waxing will understand). Anyhoo, everything is PAST DUE and it is going to take me all day to get it all done. Guess I'll stop procrastinating and make appointments for Monday. **sigh** This week is going by sooooooooooo sloooooow. I want it to be over already! Well, anyway, I have been thinking a lot about relationships this week. My concept of a good relationship has really changed over the years, especially this last year. People have really suprised me and I have really suprised myself. One good thing about all relationships (good or bad) is that they reveal strengths and weaknesses in our own character. If you really think about it, all relationships are really a reflection of self. As you can tell, my thoughts aren't really together enough for a blog entry on the topic. I am, however, curious to know: what is the most important attribute you look for in a good relationship (friendship or other)? I almost forgot, I have a confession to make. See.... Well, ummmm..... See what had happened was.... I LET TREK CHASE SQUIRRELS BEFORE RUNNING ON MONDAY SO THAT I COULD WIN! Okay - I feel better now. Smiley for the Day:

Fast forward?

Sometimes I wish I had a fast forward button: Heartache . . . . Fast forward Uncertainty . . . . Fast forward Disappointment . . . . Fast forward Loneliness . . . . Fast forward Exhaustion . . . . Fast forward Confusion . . . . Fast forward Well, life doesn't come with a fast forward button. I know by now that I am going to feel the bad times just as deeply as the good ones. What makes it a little easier is to know that I am not alone. It is easier still knowing someone has gone through the exact same thing and they made it through. You've gone through shit, and if you are not going through shit right now, you will. That's life. Everyone has problems - everyone. What makes people unique is how they choose to handle their problems. Some people are martyrs. They carry the same load throughout life. They will drag the same baggage, year after year, in and out of new relationships. To them, their life is horrible and they find comfort in getting sympathy from others. If they are not hiding behind the baggage, it leaves them exposed. For them, letting go and dealing with the real problem is too uncomfortable. Some people are in denial. They choose to ignore its existence. It is easier to pretend that it doesn’t hurt deep down. They choose to live their life on the surface. Some people are selfless. They are so immersed in the problems of others that they don't make time for their own. It is easier for them to deal with someone else's problem than their own. Constantly helping others gives them a false sense of security. They refuse to admit that the constant neglect of self is slowly catching up with them. Some people are selfish. They are so far up their own ass that they never stop to help anyone else out. What is going on in their life is more important than anything else. Some people are self-righteous. They have all the answers all the time. They have never made a mistake; it is always the fault of someone else. Every failed relationship and every failed endeavor is always someone else’s fault. They fail to see the pattern in their lives. Many of these people constantly tell others to carry life's load the way they do - because their way is the right way. They alienate others constantly but never see how their actions affect others. Life is about learning – learning how to live. I think there is a time and place for all these things (with the exception of being self-righteous). Sometimes you need to be selfish, selfless, or even in denial. Of course I only touched the surface; there are many other big pieces of a person. The key is to find a good balance. When you find a piece dominating your life, you have to get it in check. Although, I think I’m headed in the right direction, I still have a long way to go. So far I have learned one trick is to find someone or something to help lighten the load: good friends, fun activities, forms of expressions, a safe place, ect. I’ve also learned that some relationships have an expiration date. Choosing to ignore the expiration date can cause spoilage in other areas of your life. It is neither good or bad – it just is. When relationships or circumstances make the load heavier, you can't be afraid to pull over, rearrange the load and/or dump a few things. This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn. I’m not sure where I was headed with this post – just some random thoughts in my head – as always.

Sweet victory!

Guess who won today's running competition! Yes, my effort to get back into shape has developed into a direct competition with my dog - SHUT UP.