Great Weekend

Fortunately, an awesome weekend usually follows a shitty week. The weather felt like spring. I laughed with friends. I rested. I ate. That's all it takes to make me happy. My brother moved back to school this weekend. Looks like he was bored the night before.... I found this pic on my camera :) Even Trek had a fab weekend. Sunday, I went with friends to Mariner point with the dogs. Trek went swimming and running for a couple hours. He was good and tired by the time we left. My friend's dog is running up the ramp. The big green arrow should help you id Trek. School starts today and the past was over yesterday.

Another day, another disappointment

So I paid my school bill yesterday. Worked my ass off all summer at a job I hated. Worked my ass off at my new job since fall. It wasn't enough. So the family support my father begged me to move back home for is non-existent and my brother goes back to college this weekend. So I spent $1,000 on my car last month. The check engine light came back on yesterday. Fuck. So I have 12 saved voicemails. I don't have the time or energy to return any of the calls. So we talked last week. He admitted he was dishonest - understatement of the century. I told him the hurt it caused. I haven't heard from him since. I moved for you. I put my education on hold for you. I loved you without reservation. I'm paying for it now. Don't give me the line you have been busy when you finally decide to call - when you think I have forgotten our conversations, my tears, my pain... I'm done. So I've become listless. wish i may (listen to track here) i am losing my love of adventure i'm losing all respect for me and myself tonight i wonder what happens if i get to the end of this tunnel and there isn't a light i've worn down the treads on all of my tires i've worn through the elbows and the knees of my clothing i am stumbling down the gravel driveway of desire trying not to wake up my sleeping self-loathing do you ever have that dream where you open your mouth and you try to scream but you can't make a sound that's every day starting now that's every day starting now don't tell me it's gonna be alright you can't sell me on your optimism tonight don't tell me it's gonna be alright you can't sell me on your optimism tonight it's a stiff competition to see who can stay up later the stars or the street lights all they really want is to be alone with the darkness no more wish i may no more wish i might it takes a stiff upper lip just to hold up my face i got to suck it up and savor the taste of my own behavior i am spinning with longing faster then a roulette wheel this is not who i meant to be this is not how i meant to feel i don't think i am strong enough to do this much longer god, i wish i was stronger this song could never be long enough to express every longing god, i wish it was longer... -Ani DiFranco Today on 100 Things: Down in the Dumps

Is it spring yet?

Did I ever tell you how much I hate winter? I was told growing up not to use the word "hate" because it is a very strong word. I HATE winter. I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!! I took Trek to the dog park earlier this week. I was all suited up: Gore-Tex winter boots, long johns under my jeans, layered tops, Columbia jacket, fleece double lined head warmer, and gloves. All that just to take the dog to the park and I was still cold. (**insert obscene profanities here**) Okay, I just had to get that off my chest. Moving on... We are nearly a month into 2006 and I have yet to write my "New Years post". Okay, so here it is. First I'll recap 2005. I could look at it two ways: NEGATIVE: Other than April, May, & part of June, 2005 sucked. In fact, the sooner I forget it ever happened, the better. POSITIVE: 2005 was a difficult year, there is no denying that. I showed amazing strength and revealed big weaknesses as well. It is neither good nor bad, it just is. As with all the years before it, 2005 allowed me to get to know myself better. In the end, amazing things happened last year that I wouldn't trade for the world. Here are the highlights: [P E O P L E] Two major chapters closed: a 4+ year romantic relationship and 10+ year friendship ended in 2005. It was time and I am thankful for all the years that we shared. I met lots of new people last year that I may never had if I'd still been in a relationship. Lots of casual friends and one life-long one. [P L A C E S] I went backpacking!!!!!! And I made friends that are into all of the outdoor sports I love. There are amazing trips in the works for this summer. :) I also moved back to my hometown. Although I'd be happier living somewhere else, it lessened the financial burden and allowed me to heal. In essence it has been a break from the "real world" and a much need one at that! [T H I N G S] I have a completely new wardrobe. After years of "dressing down" for an insecure boyfriend, I found I really enjoy dressing up. While not mainstream, I've found my own unique style that expresses my femininity. That was a prime example of how easy it is to be negative. There is always a way to put a positive spin on things, sometimes it just takes more effort. Another important part of 2005 was blogging. It served as both a creative and an emotional outlet for me. There were many times when I couldn't articulate my feelings anywhere else but on this blog. Here is a recap of my blogging year by the first sentence of each month's entry. January: I broke my engagement with Yoni and ended the relationship. February: What was I doing at 7am? March: Wow, it has been a while since I've written. April: ...here are ten exams for this week and ten assignments due next week. May: "Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful." -- Denis Waitley June: The first title of this blog was "The Whirlwind Ahead". July: I'm taking a trip down south. August: I've moved on to the occasional coughing spell. September: I haven't posted nearly enough photos of my dog this summer. October: Guess who won today's running competition! November: I was a bunny. December: I was asked that question by a co-worker yesterday. Recap complete. From the feedback I got on 100 Things and what I have seen on other blogs, most people make resolutions for the new year. Some people delay the timing or call it by a different name - but they all seem like resolutions to me. I made resolutions last year and completed them all except for 'get back into road racing'. I think I got a bit overzealous with that one. I have a short list of resolutions for 2006: Find my inner strength. Finish my degree. Get a Brazilian bikini wax. Try a different approach to relationships: with my head instead of my heart. Spend more time alone. Go on at least three backpacking trips. Take a vacation. I am getting that new camera!!! Learn how to play at least a children's song on guitar. Get back into road racing. (HA HA HA!!) I have a good feeling about this year ;) Smiley for the Day:

Not just a day off...

Intentions

My intention was to sit down and write a post about the end of 2005 and the start of a new year. But now that I am in front of the computer, I'm not really feeling inspired. Maybe next week.... This week has been fantastic so far. With the break-neck pace of the holidays over, I have time for me again. In fact, since I had the last two days off, I have busied myself doing all the things I didn't have the time or energy to do over recent weeks. It feels good to have so much cleared out of my head. I still have a lot to finish but I think I can get it done on Sunday (my designated ME day). As I prepare to write my 2005 reflection, I would love some feedback over at 100 Things. So CLICK HERE to read my New Year post and leave a comment. Please and Thank you! Have a great weekend all!!! Smiley for the Day:

I know, I know

It's been a loooooong time since I've written a blog entry. Sorry. Holidays, anniversaries, and way too much work - it has been a rough couple of weeks for me. My friend at work looked me straight in the eye the other day and said, "You need a vacation." She's right - a vacation and a re-evaluation. But who has time for that? Certainly not me. I've got tuition to raise and the clock ticks ever loudly. So, I'll continue existing until spring when I can start living again. If that made no sense to you, consider yourself lucky. Moving on... I've been slacking with the picture taking these days. Guess I'm pouting since I still don't have a new camera. I will, however, share the top two photos of recent weeks: First we have this beauty. It is brought to you by a team effort: me, my brother, and unwittingly - Stephanie. It is a big family joke about how much and how fast my Dad eats. Seriously, this man can eat you out of house and home and he isn't shy about it. It was always embarassing to take him to my ex's parents' home for dinner. She (being a typical Jewish mother who loves to feed people) and he (eating like it was his first meal in years) were quite the dynamic! For some reason, he becomes awful shy when there is a camera around - I just can't imagine why *wink*. After several failed attempts to capture this eating machine in action, we finally got the shot we wanted. He was distracted by a conversation with Stephanie (who joined us for Christmas dinner) and my brother saw the opportunity. *Snap!* The perfect shot. He looks like a chipmunk! Lol!! A post on the internet is just the beginning; I've got mass e-mails and posters to distribute. Ha ha ha!!! This next shot was taken at a hookah bar. I'd never even heard of hookah before. It was a lot of fun: cool atmosphere, good music, delicious food, and of course great hookah. Here I am pictured next to Paul after he'd taken a ridiculously big hit of the hookah. LMAO! Looks like he's grown a beard! Well, with the roughest winter weeks behind me, I anticipate the same random blogging you have come to expect. As spring approaches, you can expect more accounts of adventures in the life of me. Thanks for all the comments and e-mails from my blogging buddies while I was away - ya'll are too sweet to me! I'm slowly coming out of hibernation - so watch out! :) Smiley for the Day: